By Matt Mueller Culture Editor Published Jun 28, 2017 at 6:56 AM

Four hours is a lot of "Bachelorette" for one week. Between watching the show and then writing about it, I've spent an alarming percentage of the past 48 hours (re: anything over 0%) thinking about fake people on a fake reality show looking for fake love. 

But you know what: If it involves Lee getting punted off my television set, TIME WELL SPENT.

Picking up from Monday night, Kenny comes down the hill, cackling at lying-ass Lee and busting out more snake talk thanks to the singer-songwriter's accusation that he drunkenly pulled him out of a van. Lee's response? Rachel must be lying! I think Lee just came on this show to accuse black people of being liars, because accusing the woman you're supposedly trying to woo of lying is literally the dumbest strategy on the planet. Either that or Lee's drunk (Lee's probably drunk; he's seemed completely sozzled most of the time). 

Lucky for Lee, Rachel comes back over to the unhappy pair and Kenny doesn't decide to match notes with her about who's lying about what. Unlucky for Lee, Rachel's done with him and kicks him off the show. As for Kenny, she's not sure what to make of him after all of this drama, so she wants more time before she hands off a rose, so their two-on-one becomes a one-on-one. They head off to the helicopter, Lee is stuck drinking alone in the wilderness and America throws a ticker tape parade in celebration. Wednesday should be a national day of appreciation, and everyone should get a day off of work. 

So now we can move right along ... wait, Kenny, where are you going? Kenny, stop moving toward Lee. DAMMIT KENNY, WE CAN BE DONE HERE! But no, the wrestler quick heads back to give a few parting shots to Lee – all while Rachel waits in the helicopter eye-rolling along with the rest of the country. His final words could've been worse, but it was a minute of annoyingly forced pettiness that impressed nobody. You won Kenny; now go on a date with a beautiful and intelligent woman, and leave the lying racist behind. So they fly off and Lee is abandoned forever in the Norwegian woods with nothing but alcohol and patio furniture, never to be seen or heard from again (please don't correct me). 

But wait – so where does Kenny's much-ballyhooed bloody eye come from? No fisticuffs break out, and Lee and Kenny don't start slapping each other with wooden chairs? Nope! As it turns out, Kenny's wound comes much later in the show, after his one-on-one with Rachel – which goes well, convincing her of his earnestness and scoring the rose in the process – and during the group date: viking games in Denmark. The guys, aided by just the two most charming "viking teachers"(?), are all rough-housing and competing in contests like "wrestling" and "one-legged wrestling" and "stick wrestling" when Kenny and Adam have a chummy sword-and-shield battle that ends with the two getting cute matching eye scabs. 

HOLD. THE. SWEDISH WORD FOR PHONE. The bloody eye was from a completely unrelated and totally mundane friendly accident? It was all just a manipulatively teasing edit? I'm not sure what's worse: selling racial tensions escalating into violence for "entertainment," or pulling a complete bait-and-switch. Either way, Kenny getting a bloody eye from accidentally tripping on a rock walking down that hill and rolling down the bank would've been less underwhelming. A mild shaving accident would've been less underwhelming. 

But whatever. We're done with Lee and that somehow overdone, undercooked, uncomfortable drama now. Resume ticker tape parade and dumb televised search for love. *pops confetti popper*

Tuesday's episode wasn't done with the bloodshed, however, most of it coming from Rachel as she brutally culled the dozen remaining dudes by half. First there was Lee (*pops another confetti popper*). Then during the first of TWO rose ceremonies, she axed Anthony and Josiah, who was extremely convinced he would be around for a while – and then punished for his hubris. Wait until he watches the game tape from the last episode; he'll see where things went wrong (namely his entire one-on-one time with Rachel).

Will seemed safe after a few episodes of strong Rachel time and fun quotes, even getting the one-on-one date this episode. But after a day of pleasant but not quite passionate tourism around Sweden – including an awkward stop on a bridge where he was posing like Horatio Hornblower on some stiff romance novel art – he was shown the door as well. Then Alex failed to survive the second rose ceremony, probably because Rachel was still haunted by the memory of seeing him grind on every grandmother in the "Ellen" studio audience.

But the saddest of all was Kenny. After surviving Lee hijacking his time with Rachel and his time on the show, America's favorite still felt mixed feelings about remaining on the show, not sure if he wanted to drag his daughter into the hubbub if it wasn't going to end well. After a surprisingly honest and real conversation with Rachel – not just by "Bachelorette" standards, but by human communication standards – the two mutually agreed to part ways. It's a shame so much of Kenny's energy on the show got wasted on a racist, but to see Rachel and Kenny talk and walk out together was a weirdly heartwarming moment.

Maybe a relationship didn't blossom, but it sure seemed like at least a friendship did. And that might be the sweetest thing I've seen on this show. See what happens when you leave Lee in a forest to be never found again.

Gone

Lee, Josiah, Anthony, Will, Alex and (*sheds tear*) Kenny. I'm telling you; it was a massacre last night. Rachel's gonna run out of dudes soon and wind up married to Adam and his mini death mascot.

Contenders

1. Bryan

Only one Bryan makeout session tonight, and he mostly kept his sloppy tongue in his mouth, so 1000% APPROVAL.

2. Peter

See, Peter? After all that stress about not getting a rose post-hot tub, and now he got himself a rose. Though next week's teaser looks ... concerning (so did Kenny's gushing eye though). 

3. Eric 

Eric's got some, um, intriguing hangups with Rachel's racial preferences on the show – ones that led to some interesting conversations and also ones that may become more prevalent considering he's the last person of color left in the group.

For now, though, he had a good episode, scoring a one-on-one date that seemed sweet, authentic and fun – even with that one extra getting a little too eager in the public sauna and flashing the camera. TOTALLY SPONTANEOUS! I wanted to cringe when he asked about kids; it's a heavy question, but he handled it smoothly and with humor. Add in the whole love conversation, about his hangups in the past, and it was a good night for Eric. Keep dancing, you lovebirds. 

Pretenders

1. Adam 

A grown-ass man with a creepy-ass doll is still on this dumbass show. At least he got words this episode – and a scar. 

2. Matt

He spoke and everything! Truly this was a most shocking and unbelievable episode of "The Bachelorette."

3. Dean

If we're being honest, only two guys are pretenders right now: Adam and Matt. The other four are all genuine contenders. So I'll just put Dean here for now because he seems like the youngest – and because he was the weakest Viking since Sam Bradford. I also still need an explanation about why he wore his jockstrap on the outside of his handball leotard Monday night. THE WORLD WANTS ANSWERS.

Oh hi, Wisconsin!

Nothing. Just a whole lot of Scandinavia. What's so great about it? I see no Real Chilis there. 

Line of the night

Josiah left tonight, but he went enjoyably scorched earth on his way out, calling Alex some kind of KGB agent and calling Adam out on having an evil possessed Chucky doll, which FAIR ASSESSMENT. He also says "something must be wrong with Rachel's brain" because – paraphrasing – Josiah is the greatest man placed on this planet. See, this show is so much more fun now that there's no racists.

Mom-mentary

Friends, my sister GASPED watching "The Bachelorette" last night. I brought her for cynical, feminist, reality TV-hating thoughts, and instead she's gasping at Kenny's surprise elimination. I even thought she was crying for a brief moment (she said it was just a cold, but SUUUUUUURE). I've created a monster. What have I done?

Matt Mueller Culture Editor

As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.

When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.