By Jimmy Carlton Sportswriter Published Apr 03, 2017 at 2:39 PM

Recently I was sitting in the Miller Park press box, watching the ballgame and not live-tweeting the count, when I spotted, in the lower section along the first-base line, maybe 100 feet away, a man wearing a white Brewers jersey with a long name that started with ‘N’ but was difficult to distinguish from the distance and angle.

At first I thought it was a Kirk Nieuwenhuis, which, you know, weird, but at least he’s currently on the team, so I guess props to you, Mrs. Nieuwenhuis. But then the subject turned slightly and I was able to see the full name in all its glory: Neugebauer. As in Nick Neugebauer, the portly pitcher and Brewers’ top prospect in 2000, who was called up to Milwaukee in 2001 but lasted less than a year in the big leagues before a shoulder injury forced him to retire in 2004.

Neugebauer!

I was amazed that a Neugebauer jersey – a white, button-up No. 32 – was still being worn by this fan at Miller Park, 15 years after the only time since its manufacture that it was relevant and seemingly sincere (the man was middle-aged and keeping score, which are not typical traits of an ironic display). I went from shock to incredulity, briefly to hate, to ambivalence and then finally to admiration.

It also got me to thinking: What are the acceptable and unacceptable Brewers jerseys to wear to games? What rules constrain jersey etiquette, not only in terms of the garment but also the individual dressed in it? When must you stop wearing a particular jersey, which ones are timeless and which are never OK? Would my reaction to the Neuge have been different if indeed it had been a Nieuwenhuis? And, most crucially, is it a shirsey or a shirtsey?

This is an acknowledged rebuilding season for the Brewers, the first of at least a couple, but fans have proven they’re going to keep coming out to the ballpark, even though the club is not contending; Milwaukee has a record of 49-62 but is 15th out of 30 MLB teams in average home attendance, at a little more than 29,000 per game. So if you’re going to go and likely see the Brewers lose, you might as well look good – or at least make other people chuckle – doing it.

After crowdsourcing Twitter for fan consultation, here are some hard-and-fast rules to jersey-wearing, as well as an authoritative, unabridged list of acceptable and unacceptable jerseys to see at Miller Park.

Rules

In general: Current players are always fine, historical stars are good and historical fringe dudes that are now pretty obscure are the best. For Brewers Nation, that last category is where fans can have the most fun. Seeing a John Jaha jersey while in line at the bathroom really brightens up a 7-2 loss to the Cardinals.

Tuck rule: Never tuck. You’re not on the team, and you’re not AC Slater. I used to be a front-tuck-only kind of guy – especially as a medium who only ever-so-wants to be a large! – because the jersey was usually too big, but if we can see a belt, you’re doing it wrong. Addendum: Don’t wear matching pants. There’s only one fan who can get away with wearing a full uniform, and it’s Wrigley Field’s Ronnie Woo Woo, and you are not him. Probably that’s a good thing.

No personalizing: This borders dangerously close to sounding like a sartorial fan version of the stodgy old baseball columnist grumbling about playing the game the right way, but, honestly, putting your name on the back of a professional team’s jersey just looks stupid. If it was a gift from your grandmother, that’s very nice, but it needs to stay in your closet except when she comes over on holidays; otherwise, keep wearing that generic Kohl’s Department Store Brew Crew T-shirt. Neither your own real name nor your nickname ("Schmitty," "Ace," "Chastity," whatever) belong on Brewers gear, you raging narcissist.

Customizing is OK: The overzealous purists will tell you that getting a customized jersey is as similarly sacrilegious as personalizing one, but I’m here to say nay. Nay! Like beauty in the eye of the beholder, senses of humor vary and depend on many factors, such as age, intelligence, how serious you take yourself and how drunk you were when you ordered it. Particularly during a down season, and especially when your franchise has a .476 all-time winning percentage, you need a little levity in the stands. Some of my suggestions: "Doctor Hot Dog," "Two Balls" and "Beer Here."

Get a jersey that fits: This is a different issue than the tuck rule, and I’m going to go in an unconventional direction here. A lot of people will tell you to wear clothes that contour to your body and look appropriate; not me. This is Wisconsin, which means a few things for jersey-wearing. First, it will be cold half the season, and you’ll want to have a sweatshirt underneath, preferably with the hoodie pulled through the collar because, come on, that looks pretty sweet. Second, if you’re from Wisconsin there’s a good chance you’re fat; but even if you’re not, after 10 beers, three brats and a large Dippin' Dots, you’re really going to be straining the fibers of that fabric, whether it’s an authentic jersey or a Chinese knockoff.

You shouldn’t be swimming in the thing, but it’s way, way worse for everyone else to be grotesquely spellbound by a skintight jersey that precisely outlines your obese globe of a gut. (Fun fact: In the case of free shirts, either launched by T-shirt canons or given away by Gruber Law Offices, the issue is moot, because those are always and only XXL.)

Speaking of authentics: Hey, speaking of authentic jerseys ... who cares? You won’t find any elitist, top-shelf, league-certified-apparel-or-bust gear-shaming from me. Everyone’s got a different price point for things, and when you’re one of 30,000 in the stadium, it doesn’t much matter if your shirt says Majestic or modest on it. It’s already expensive enough to be a sports fan.

Don’t wear third-party colors: Look, this isn’t the Crips and the Bloods or anything, but if it’s Brewers-Pirates, don’t come to Miller Park wearing a Diamondbacks jersey. (Unless it’s an Arizona Richie Sexson, which would be awesome, because Milwaukee totally won that trade.) It’s obnoxious. I once was happily tailgating before an important Brewers-Cubs game in 2008, when both teams were playoff-bound, and a woman in White Sox garb walked by. Wait, what? I don’t get it. Are you indirectly signaling temporary Brewers fandom by wearing Cubs-rival clothes? Are you just a visiting tourist being proudly provincial about the South Side? "Look I’m from another place!" Shut up, go away, leave us alone (to paraphrase Gene from "Wet Hot American Summer"). This doesn’t involve you.

Don’t divide loyalties: "Well, I was born outside Cincinnati and my dad used to take me to Reds games when I was a kid but then I moved to Milwaukee for college and tailgating is really fun, so, like, I kind of cheer for both teams now!" No, you don’t. Wrong. Remember how Laura Quinn Hawk once wore a split Notre Dame-Ohio State top because she was the sister of Brady Quinn and the boyfriend (future wife) of A.J. Hawk? Well, now both players are out of the NFL, presumably because she couldn’t just make a decision a decade ago.

Embrace analytics: If you’re an advanced metrics sabermatrician like David Stearns, don’t shy away from it, fly your nerd flag high by showing off that custom-designed jersey with the pocket protector for your mechanical pencils and oversized calculator! In exchange for meathead bullies not giving you a swirly in the Miller Park bathrooms, you can kindly explain to them how Weighted Runs Created Plus (wRC+) is computed.

Minor league jerseys are good: The Wisconsin Timber Rattlers, Milwaukee’s Class A affiliate, are just up in Appleton, and the Double-A Biloxi Shuckers’ name is an homage to the city’s oyster and seafood industries. Terrific! Either of those would be well-received at a Brewers game, because after all, the prospects are our future. It’s just alternative enough to be cool, without being baseball-hipster annoying. Bonus points if it's an Isan Diaz jersey.

Hats: This is only tangentially related to jerseys but it's still significant. Guys should always wear fitted caps, girls should wear adjustable hats with their ponytails pulled through the opening and no one should wear those beige Brewers ones sponsored by Culvers that were given out for free a few years ago.

Colors: Don’t wear pink except on Mother’s Day, and then ideally it should be a Carlos Gomez jersey with all the pink accouterments because he looooved wearing pink on Mother's Day. Women don’t need to be pandered to with girly pink jerseys; they are perfectly able to wear regular team colors. Similarly, avoid camo gear (this applies to you, too, Packers fans), holiday-themed apparel and anything plaid. Also, stay away from the licensing-skirting knockoffs, like the ones sold at every mall kiosk, with the weird colors and designs. They're dumb and confusing.

Limited edition can be OK: Even though it’s a blatant money-grab gimmick by the teams just to sell more merchandise, the Brewers’ Sunday alternates and the gold Cerveceros jerseys are truly excellent. You’re feeding the corporate beast, but you look bad-ass as hell.

Past fan favorites: This is tricky. On the one hand, Geoff Jenkins was a beloved player, genuine good guy in the community and decent player during a moribund Brewers era; on the other hand, his three true outcomes were solo homer when the team was down by eight runs, ground into double play or strikeout. You can wear a Jenks jersey and nobody will really mind, but they’ll probably just assume you don’t want to pay for a new one, rather than think you’re honoring the one-time All-Star.

The Braves legends and the greats from the '80s are always a safe bet. But just because you had a love affair with some random player, like 1996 Matt Mieske, doesn’t mean everyone’s going to get it. And they might even think it’s your name on the back, which would be terribly unfortunate if it’s a Matt Mieske.

Other sports jerseys: I know it’s August, which means this is NFL preseason time, and you love your Packers. But that’s not the team or sport you’re watching right now. If you want to wear a green-and-gold Aaron Rodgers jersey, go up to Green Bay and stand on that hallowed ground. Miller Park is a Brewers cathedral. I'm not thrilled about Bucks gear, either, but at least that still represents Milwaukee and, let's face it, nobody's gonna complain about seeing a Giannis or Jabari jersey at the ballpark. 

No Russell Wilson jerseys: Just a reminder to never be that guy.

Shirsey, not shirtsey: Are you listening? Hey, stop singing along to "Roll Out the Barrel" and pay attention to me. This is important. The colloquial term for a T-shirt/jersey – you’ve no-doubt seen literally thousands of these at Miller Park – has become a point of contention among the T-shirt/jersey cognoscenti, with some claiming it is shirsey (more closely resembling the latter word) and others calling it a shirtsey (with the emphasis on the former word).

Linguistically, what we've got here is a portmanteau, which blends the sounds and meanings of two component parts, not a compound, which joins two stem words. It is no more a shirt than a jersey, nor vice-versa; it is a combination shirt-jersey, and that makes it a shirsey. There can exist no more debate on this.

Don’t be like me: As a cheapskate who’s floated between being a fan and media member the past half-dozen years, my jersey-wearing game has frequently been the opposite of on-point. My first baseball jersey was a Derek Jeter Yankees shirsey (!) that my parents brought back for me from New York. That sucks. I even wore it in my fourth-grade class picture. Ugh. Later, I bought a Ben Sheets replica jersey at Kohl’s and wore that sucker through 2009, when he was no longer on the team, and then I actually, honestly, regrettably taped over the name and number to keep using it. I was a cheap idiot in college.

But wait, solidarity! 

Later I got a Ryan Braun shirsey – note: shirsey – and kept that for five years, even after it acquired bleach stains. I currently do not own a Brewers jersey or shirsey, but have several T-shirts, and I now realize I’m really not qualified to write this article.

On that note, let’s get to the acceptable/unacceptable lists!

Acceptable jerseys

Anyone from the old Braves teams: Hank Aaron, Warren Spahn, Eddie Matthews, Red Schoendienst, Andy Pafko, even Del Crandell and Johnny Logan. MLB clubs didn’t sell replica jerseys back then, but those are all historical baseball legends in this city and all of them deserve to be on your back. On a practical level, you really only ever see Aaron jerseys, but I’d shake the hand of anyone rocking a Pafko.

Most of the '80s greats: Robin Yount, Paul Molitor, Gorman Thomas, Cecil Cooper, Ben Oglivie, Ted Simmons, Jim Gantner, Pete Vukovich, Mike Caldwell, Rollie Fingers. The ’82 Brewers for Milwaukee are like the ’85 Bears for Chicago – we revere and romanticize them, possibly more than we should, because they’re our pinnacle. A Bill Schroeder jersey would be amusing, especially since he’s now a team broadcaster, but you don’t need a Jerry Augustine. And I hope there are no Charlie Moore jerseys out there.

Bud Selig: I’ve never seen one, but I think it’d be a pretty solid jersey. Say what you want of his essentially open-steroid policy as commissioner, the man did save professional baseball in Milwaukee and still lives and works here. I’d also accept a t-shirt with Selig’s bespectacled face on the front of it. 

Lovable players from the '90s: Here, you’ve got your Jahas, your Greg Vaughns, Kevin Seitzers, B.J. Surhoffs, Jeff Cirillos, Ricky Boneses, Dave Nilssons, Jeromy Burnitzes, Mark Lorettas and Fernando Vinas. Oh man, Fernando Vina. I miss that guy so much. I used to pretend to be him on my Little League teams, even imitating his double-pump, smack-the-glove move when fielding grounders and throwing to first. Turns out, it’s a lot more detrimental for the team to do that at third base when you have a weak little-kid arm than when you’re a major-leaguer throwing from second. Those '90s Brewers teams were really crappy, but those guys at least made it more interesting for fans.

Ironically adored bad players: This is dudes like Jose Valentin, who I believe never played a defensive inning without committing at least one error (will check on that later); Cal Eldred, who was good for a couple years, then awful; Jose Hernandez, a single-season record-setter for strikeouts; Johnny Estrada, who was a fat non-athlete but could hit; Joe Winkelsas, the former garbage man who threw seven total innings in 2006 but endeared himself to some fans; and Wes Helms, who my friend saw at Dairy Queen once and said was really nice. They're OK in small doses.

Also Jody Gerut, I guess?

The, like, three good players from the early 2000s: We’re basically talking Scott Podsednik, the female fan-favorite and 2004 league leader in stolen bases, Tyler Houston, because I was at the game in 2000 when he hit three home runs and the crowd gave him the bowing-in-worship cheer (Tyler Houston!) and Bill Hall, who spent eight mildly above-average seasons with the Brewers and left just before they got good.

A couple from the golden generation: As important as they all were to returning Milwaukee to relevance, of the vaunted core of Rickie Weeks, Corey Hart, J.J. Hardy, Prince Fielder and Ryan Braun, only the last two are really still acceptable at Miller Park. Weeks, Hart and Hardy were good enough, but they weren’t stars and aren’t among the organization’s all-time greats. Fielder was an iconic superstar when he was here, and Braun is still playing for the Brewers.

Vinny Rottino: The scrappy Racine native and utility player was with the Brewers from 2006-2008. Wisconsinites are always acceptable, and who knows, if you see a Rottino, maybe it’s actually him!

Relievers: These are hard to find, especially non-closers, but if you can get them, they’re always wearable for the comedy. John Axford was funny, had a great mustache and is still closely involved with the Milwaukee Film Festival even after parting ways with the Brewers. Even the guys who imploded – Derrick Turnbow, Eric Gagne and Trevor Hoffman – are treasured by some people. 

Others swear by former left-handed specialists.

CC Sabathia: The man single-handedly carried the Brewers to their first playoff appearance in a quarter-century. He only spent three months in Milwaukee, but his jersey is forever welcome at Miller Park.

Nyjer Morgan: Possibly the most entertaining Brewer ever, Morgan not only was memorable for his antics and hilarious alter ego, Tony Plush, but also for his series-clinching walk-off base hit in the 10th inning of Game 5 of the NLDS against the Diamondbacks. He spent less than eight months in Milwaukee, but they were unforgettable.

Carlos Gomez: Always acceptable. It’s not up for discussion. And he just got released by the Astros, so maybe we'll see Go-Go back here again soon.

The current guys: Players from the current team are always allowed, even if they can be risky purchases (especially during a rebuild) and boring displays. Besides the ubiquitous Braun jerseys, similarly "meh, fine" options are Scooter Gennett, Jimmy Nelson and Chris Carter.

The potential future: If trotting out the old Braun shirsey doesn’t get your blood flowing anymore, and it shouldn’t, how about a new edition of Jonathan Villar? If you’re a kid 14 or younger, what about getting a Zach Davies jersey and having all your friends at school confuse you for a major-league pitcher? Orlando Arcia should be around for a while and sure seems popular.

Milwaukee-connected fictional characters: Maybe customize a Harry Doyle blazer in honor of Bob Uecker in "Major League" or a Stan Ross No. 2 for Bernie Mac’s Brewers player character in "Mr. 3000." Just don’t put "Fonz" on it.

Marcus Hanel: I still have never seen someone wearing the Brewers bullpen catcher’s jersey, but I really, really want to.

Craig Counsell: Player or manager, he is Milwaukee’s best.

Unacceptable jerseys

Gary Sheffield: Screw that guy. Wearing a Sheffield jersey is the ultimate fan sin and the only truly terrible choice.

Unlikeable guys on bad teams: Mike Matheny was a Brewers catcher, but now he’s the loathsome Cardinals manager. Hard pass. Ronnie Belliard was Milwaukee’s Minor League Player of the Year in 1998 and had a productive rookie season in 1999, but then he got fat; he let himself go and then was let go in 2003. Nope. Alex Sanchez was a high-upside centerfielder in 2001; by 2003, his erratic defense and poor attitude had gotten him traded away.

Jeffrey Hammonds: Signed in 2001 to the largest contract in Brewers history at the time, he was a total bust. I actually saw a guy wearing a Hammonds jersey a few years ago and it didn’t seem like a joke.

Lyle Overbay: The Big O was a well-liked doubles machine during the Brewers’ down years, so he should be acceptable. But alas he’s not, because if you wear his jersey at Miller Park, everyone around you will make their arms into circles and yell, "OOHHHHHH." And we just can’t have that.

Decent back then but who cares? In the mid-2000s, the Brewers knew they were improving, so they made moves to get closer to contention, trading for players like Carlos Lee, Dave Bush and Francisco Cordero. Those guys were all right in Milwaukee, but they’re long gone and it’s not worth flaunting their jerseys now.

Jeff Suppan: Good guy, but just a terrible pitcher when the Brewers signed him to be a strong front-line starter. "Soup pitched great." He did not. For that matter, don’t wear a Ned Yost jersey, either. And let’s include Randy Wolf here, too.

Past their expiration date: Hardy, Hart, Sheets and Weeks were important pieces of the Brewers’ 2006-08 resurgence, but, like the players have, it’s time for fans to move on. Hardy jerseys, especially, are still troublingly prevalent at Miller Park because all the teenage and early-20s girls who were obsessed with him eight years ago – and wore those awful "J.J. Hotty" shirts – have held onto them. Dudes, too, it seems.

Casey McGehee: Apparently people are confused about this. The guy hit .223 his final season here! He is, and probably always was, unacceptable. 

Yovani Gallardo: The ace-by-default who was never quite as good as everyone always wanted him to be and he was traded two years ago. Also, it’s hard to see a fan wearing a Gallardo jersey and drinking beers knowing the pitcher was arrested for DUI in Milwaukee with a .22 blood-alcohol content. Just not a good look. Same for Francisco Rodriguez: He was good while he was here, but he’s gone (for now) and doesn’t have the kind of wonderful off-field reputation you need to celebrate at Miller Park.

Yuni B: If you wear a Yunieski Betancourt jersey, just know that fans – Brewers fans, your peers, even friends and family – will heckle and jeer you. So if you’re wearing it ironically, because Betancourt was one of the worst offensive players in baseball history while he was in Milwaukee, that’s all well and good, but you should expect some very non-ironic abuse in the stands.

No more Nori: I still see a Norichika Aoki replica almost every game. I don’t get it. Again, a perfectly fine player, but three years later, it’s A-OK to throw his jersey away.

Hank: Hank is a dog, not a baseball player. That makes it a personalized jersey, which is bad enough for Hank to wear, but it means if you are wearing it you are a dog. Ipso facto.

Recently departed: Listen, I understand the dilemma; I’m frugal, too. You bought a jersey – a Jean Segura or an Aramis Ramirez or a Will Smith or a Jeremy Jeffress – and now that player is no longer on the team. That sucks. But it doesn’t excuse wearing that thing around the ballpark as though the ghost of Khris Davis’ whiffs is coming back. People will notice. If you're into getting jerseys of journeyman or veteran players that are unlikely to be here for very long, you knew what you were doing. So grab a Chase Anderson or something to tide you over.

Matt Garza: Why did you buy a Matt Garza jersey in the first place?

Cubs jerseys: You’d think this was one was obvious, but after the Brewers invited former Bears player Charles Tillman to throw out the first pitch last month, we can’t overestimate anyone or anything involved with Milwaukee baseball. Cubs fans are intolerable and innumerable enough at Miller Park; they don’t need any loosely affiliated, "my brother-in-law lives in the northern Chicago suburbs" bandwagon-jumpers joining them from our ranks.

Jonathan Lucroy: This one’s difficult. Easily the most popular Brewers player over the last few years, an All-Star on the field and very involved in the community, Lucroy’s trade on Aug. 1 to the Rangers – even with a quality return of prospects – is still a fresh wound that hurts. Not much time has passed for you to replace that jersey. And maybe you still support him. If you do, buy a Rangers replica Lucroy; he doesn’t play for Milwaukee anymore. Or save up for a new Lewis Brinson.

Whatever you want: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

What do you think? Which jerseys are acceptable and which are not? What's your favorite to wear? How angry did this article make you? Let us know in the comments! 

Jimmy Carlton Sportswriter

Born in Milwaukee but a product of Shorewood High School (go ‘Hounds!) and Northwestern University (go ‘Cats!), Jimmy never knew the schoolboy bliss of cheering for a winning football, basketball or baseball team. So he ditched being a fan in order to cover sports professionally - occasionally objectively, always passionately. He's lived in Chicago, New York and Dallas, but now resides again in his beloved Brew City and is an ardent attacker of the notorious Milwaukee Inferiority Complex.

After interning at print publications like Birds and Blooms (official motto: "America's #1 backyard birding and gardening magazine!"), Sports Illustrated (unofficial motto: "Subscribe and save up to 90% off the cover price!") and The Dallas Morning News (a newspaper!), Jimmy worked for web outlets like CBSSports.com, where he was a Packers beat reporter, and FOX Sports Wisconsin, where he managed digital content. He's a proponent and frequent user of em dashes, parenthetical asides, descriptive appositives and, really, anything that makes his sentences longer and more needlessly complex.

Jimmy appreciates references to late '90s Brewers and Bucks players and is the curator of the unofficial John Jaha Hall of Fame. He also enjoys running, biking and soccer, but isn't too annoying about them. He writes about sports - both mainstream and unconventional - and non-sports, including history, music, food, art and even golf (just kidding!), and welcomes reader suggestions for off-the-beaten-path story ideas.