Hello there, Donald Trump voter. Thanks for taking the time to visit us here at OnMilwaukee. Maybe you're a hard-core Donald Trump supporter; maybe you're just voting for Trump because he's a Republican and those other candidates aren't. Either way, you may well believe some things other people have told you are conspiracy theories rather than truth.

I'm not going to try to change your mind with so-called "facts" (I'm not interested in any backfire effect), but rather with reasons why your beliefs actually make Crooked Hillary Clinton the better choice – or at least a plausible choice – for your vote. Shall we begin?

You believe: Hillary did Benghazi

The gist: Despite hours of hearings and pages of documents showing otherwise, you believe that on Sept. 11, 2012, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton let four Americans die in the Libyan town of Benghazi in an effort to boost President Obama's re-election chances. To avoid being found complicit, she and the administration's foreign policy team concocted the story that the deadly attacks on a U.S. compound there were sparked by a video, rather than being a planned terrorist attack that Clinton let happen.

The pitch: One thing you probably like about Donald Trump is that he is a cold and ruthless businessman, willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done. Does that mean sometimes people get hurt, financially or physically or psychologically? Sure. That's business.

Another thing you probably value is loyalty; that is, when The Boss says you do something, you do it. That's also good business – you surround yourself with people who will do what needs to be done.

In Benghazi, if what you think happened happened, then Hillary Clinton showed these traits in spades. She was loyal to her boss – Obama – and did what needed to be done to ruthlessly defeat an opponent. She saw a weakness, and she exploited it. She wasn't afraid to tell different stories to different people based on what they needed to know. And in the end, when Republicans hauled her in front of the cameras for eleven straight hours of testimony last spring, she never cracked once. That's stamina, right? I mean, isn't that something else you like about Trump – his stamina?

You believe: Obama is a gay Kenyan-born Muslim married to a transgender man originally named "Michael"

The gist: Well, that about sums it up, doesn't it?

The pitch: Hillary is a woman and Bill is a man, just as the Bible commands. And hey, if Bill has a little tail on the side, is he really different from, say, Solomon? Or whatshisname – has a lot of real estate? Bad hair? Oh yeah, Donald J. Trump.

You believe: "Climate change" is a hoax

The gist: University researchers and NASA scientists made up "global warming" as a way to save their jobs and get rich through government grants and by gobbling up the remains of the fossil-fuel industry. The EPA shuts down good people trying to do good things for Americans, and wants to confiscate your truck, just because those government egg-heads have to justify their bureaucracy.

The pitch: You should vote for a former cabinet member of the administration that really Made America Great Again. In 2015, the United States displaced Russia and Saudi Arabia as the world's leading producer of oil. That's right: Barack Obama's America is also the world's leader when it comes to fossil fuel production. Wouldn't Obama's former Secretary of State be a great person to maintain that momentum?

You believe: The Clinton Foundation was dirty

The gist: Donors to the Clinton Foundation were granted special favors and access to Clinton when she was secretary of state. People who say otherwise are clearly lying.

The pitch: Let me quote for you one Donald Trump: "When you give, they do whatever the hell you want them to do ... If I ask them, if I need them, you know, most of the people on this stage I’ve given to, just so you understand, a lot of money."

If it works for Trump, shouldn't it work for Clinton? And if the worst side-effect of all this access-buying is billions spent saving lives all over the world, then that seems like something worth considering, no?

You believe: Clinton and Obama founded ISIS

The gist: Because the George W. Bush Iraq war was such a success, and Obama's Muslim brothers so weakened, Obama and Clinton conspired to create a group that would work to establish a true Islamic Caliphate and usher in the end of times. Stories about ISIS having been founded in 1999 and brought to prominence in 2006 are simply lies (although it's possible you believe Obama was president in 2001 and was conveniently away from the White House when we were attacked on 9/11, in which case ISIS's founding in 2006 makes perfect sense).

The pitch: Clinton, as president, would have two ways to go on ISIS: She could let them keep going, perpetuating the Muslim world takeover that began under Obama, or she could fight them. Since Clinton is not a Muslim and in fact is a long-time Methodist who really seems to get what Jesus was all about, she would probably choose to fight.

Who better to fight ISIS than someone who knows where the (literal, probably) bodies are buried? I mean, when they planted the thermite in the World Trade Center, they had to have the plans so they would know the easiest and best places to do it. Clinton knows ISIS's holes and weaknesses. She knows how they think, as she has access to all the Benghazi plans and did nothing. It would be perfect, and perfectly ironic, for Clinton to turn on the organization that led to her current success. Once they're out of the way, there will be no one left in the world to stop an American superpower once and for all!

You believe: Clinton is sick and has a body double

The gist: Clinton didn't just have walking pneumonia. She has, in fact, something more dangerous like Parkinson's disease or maybe even mad cow disease.

The pitch: This is actually great for a president. Think about it: The real president can be securely in a bunker somewhere, getting whatever care is necessary (the U.S. has the best health care in the world! Well, except for Obamacare) and making all the decisions, and her body double can go out and do the dangerous things like lay wreaths or give speeches or attend state funerals. There could even be more than one body double, a whole stable of them, finally providing jobs to all the over-40 actresses in Hollywood who aren't on "Grace and Frankie."

It could really be like cloning, or maybe like the Cylons in "Battlestar Gallactica." Put a Clinton body double across the table from, say, the head of ISIS. But she's not there to negotiate (or celebrate some joint success; see above), no; she's wearing a suicide vest – kaboom! ISIS is no more.

You believe: Illegal immigration is rampant, and they're all rapists and murders

The gist: The southern U.S. border has more holes than Swiss cheese of Clinton's Benghazi story. The media are lying to you when they say net immigration from Mexico is actually negative. They're here, and they're coming at an alarming rate!

The pitch: Clinton running mate Tim Kaine speaks Spanish fluently. Some might see this as pandering to the Hispanic vote or an attempt to entice even more illegal immigration from Mexico.

But the opposite is just as likely to be true. In the same way that all modern presidents have tasked their vice presidents with important jobs (Al Gore invented the internet to fuel Bill Clinton's porn addiction, Walter Mondale sabotaged American helicopters in Iran, Dick Cheney shot people in the face), Kaine is no doubt being prepped to be Hillary Clinton's enforcer among the immigrants, continuing the staggering recent pace of deportations but hacerlo con una sonrisa en su cara.

You believe: Urban streets are deadly war zones

The gist: Big cities like Chicago, Detroit and Milwaukee are so full of rampant crime and especially murder, it's dangerous to walk the streets anytime day or night.

The pitch: Only liberals live in big cities. I mean, I live in Milwaukee myself! If big cities are deadly, then all we have to do is let that crime escalate, and all those troublesome liberals will finally be dead! In fact, I am looking out at a Milwaukee street right now as I ty