Talk about your great days. Finally, at long last, after such a fright-filled delay, we now have concealed carry in Wisconsin.
In case you live in a cave, let me explain. In Wisconsin, people now have the right to pack handguns under their coat, in their purse, strapped to their leg under their pants, in their bra, under their hat, in a fake cast on their wrist, in a laptop case, in your jock, under your toupee or underneath your mask on Halloween. You can also carry a stun gun if you just want to electrocute someone instead of drill them full of lead. Or a knife, if slicing or stabbing is your style.
You may wonder why we now have this law. Well let's let Darren LaSorte, a lobbyist for the National Rifle Association, explained the rationale.
"For the first time, violent criminals are going to have to fear that their next attack might be their last," LaSorte said. (By the way, I want to meet Darren LaSorte in a dark alley some night and kick the crap out of him. I don't think he can shoot me if I just punch him into oblivion.)
This new law goes to some lengths to explain where you can go if you are packing a pistol. A house of worship is fair game for pistol packers. Schools are not. And in a clever display of their brilliance, the Republicans who wrote (using the term in its broadest possible sense) the measure went out of their way to say it was okay to carry a gun in a tavern, as long as the concealer wasn't drinking.
One thing the lawmakers ignored, however, was the world of sports. They didn't set down any guidelines for arenas and stadia. So, as businesses throughout the state try to figure out their guidelines, I've got some suggestions for our sports teams.
The Milwaukee Brewers ought to do what they did back when people could smoke – designate a couple of sections just for guys and girls who are carrying. I suggest sections 411 and 433. The main reason I picked them is that they are far enough away so that I don't think the umpires or Yuniesky Betancourt are within range of your average concealed pistol.
The Milwaukee Bucks face a tough decision here because it's not uncommon for NBA stars to bring their own guns to a locker room. Not that they intend to shoot any fans or anything, but we may already have guns on the grounds. Bucks games are also full of kids almost every game, so we have to think of those impressionable kids who are too young to get their own concealed carry permits. I recommend that the Bucks just ban the guns altogether and include a pat down of opposing players as they get off the bus.
The Green Bay Packers have already decided to ban guns from Lambeau Field, but if I were a pistol packer I'd sue to get them to change their mind. I mean did you ever see your basic crowd at a Packers game? The layered look hardly begins to describe the attire. Even if you wanted to pull out your pistol and shoot the special teams coach or the guy who was sitting on those cold benches and encroaching on your space, it would take you so long to get through the layers that by the time you pulled it out you'd forget why.
Camp Randall is one of the easiest decisions to make. With all that jumping up and down that they are so famous for the sound of bullets popping would drown out the sound of "On Wisconsin" and the Budweiser song. Guns are banned. Plus if someone gets shot the crowd might swear at the shooter and then somebody would have to write a letter telling kids not to swear.
I think the Admirals, the Wave and whatever our indoor football team is called should publicly embrace concealed carry. These teams scramble for people to come to the games and this new law offers a tremendous marketing opportunity. They could have .45 caliber night. They could have trick shot night. They could give out bullets to the first 500 fans. Hell, they could pick the person sitting in Section 322, seat 34 and give them a chance to play Russian Roulette for a Kia. Talk about publicity.
And finally, the biggest winter sport in Wisconsin: Deer hunting.
Now this one is going to be really difficult, but anything worth having is worth fighting for. What we do is let the deer carry concealed guns. Then when your average guy in blaze orange cocks his rifle to blast away, the deer can pull his Smith and Wesson X-frame Model 500 .50 caliber out and fire right back.
Oh, one more sport. Golf. Let's allow golfers to conceal a gun in every one of those pockets in the average golf bag. That way when a band of teenage caddies comes roaring out of the woods angrily swinging seven-irons, you've got enough firepower to blast every one of those bastards.
With a history in Milwaukee stretching back decades, Dave tries to bring a unique perspective to his writing, whether it's sports, politics, theater or any other issue.
He's seen Milwaukee grow, suffer pangs of growth, strive for success and has been involved in many efforts to both shape and re-shape the city. He's a happy man, now that he's quit playing golf, and enjoys music, his children and grandchildren and the myriad of sports in this state. He loves great food and hates bullies and people who think they are smarter than everyone else.
This whole Internet thing continues to baffle him, but he's willing to play the game as long as OnMilwaukee.com keeps lending him a helping hand. He is constantly amazed that just a few dedicated people can provide so much news and information to a hungry public.
Despite some opinions to the contrary, Dave likes most stuff. But he is a skeptic who constantly wonders about the world around him. So many questions, so few answers.