What if the top college football teams were Halloween treats?
Glad you asked...
1. Ohio State (M&M's Plain)
The Buckeyes are a dependable presence, much like good ol' M&M's plain. They won't really excite many people and can be knocked off by a better choice of candy, but they are seemingly always around.
2. Boston College (Bit O' Honey)
Nobody likes Bit O' Honey, and even fans in Boston are largely ignoring this year's mid-major Cinderella story. Who wants a chunk of chewy, half-brittle, honey-based candy that gets stuck in your molars? Awful.
3. LSU (Snickers)
This is a meaty, serious gut stuffer of a candy, just like the football team. However, LSU isn't likely to make many fall in love with them, just as you don't rave about a Snickers aside from it's ability to satisfy your hunger.
4. Arizona State (Spree)
On the one hand, every once in a while, this candy makes sense. A big long roll of sweet, hard, disks. What's not to like? The chafed tongue. Arizona State seems like a good idea now. We'll end up thinking different.
5. Oregon (Mike & Ike)
The colorful candy chewies now come in different flavored boxes - regular, tangy typhoon, tangy twister, jolly joes and berry blast. Like Oregon's uniforms, you could theoretically mix and match Mike and Ikes into 2,432 flavor combinations.
6. Oklahoma (Milky Way)
They perfected the basic chocolate, caramel and nougat bar combination. A triple threat, just like Oklahoma perfected the wishbone.
7. West Virginia (Fun Dip)
This is a "candy" that involves a sugar stick you lick, and pouches of sugar powder to dip them in and lick off. Total novelty, gimmick candy. Like the spread with Slaton and White. Gimmicky, but delicious to watch.
8. Kansas (Candy Cigarettes)
People always ask: "Do they still make candy cigarettes?" Yes, yes they do. Just like people ask: "Does Kansas really play Division I football?" I'm afraid so.
9. Missouri (Abba Zabba)
Nobody is really sure what they are, where you can find them, and whether anybody really likes them.
10. Georgia (Hot Tamales)
A truly second-tier candy amongst the chewy non-chocolate set, no matter what fans of the candy may say. Let's be honest. Hot Tamales are over-rated. Just like Georgia fans think of themselves and their team. Overrated.
11. Virginia Tech (Reese's Peanut Butter Cups)
A delicious candy that will melt at the slightest increase in temperature above room level. Not unlike the Hokies, who typically melt once the schedule heats up in November.
12. Michigan (Kit-Kat)
What's not to like? Chocolate. Wafers. Simple, satisfying, right? Like the football team however, the Kit-Kat doesn't really inspire or wow you. It's just sort of there.
13. UConn (Nerds)
Best consumed in small doses.
Oh sure, they are a laugh riot when you first try them. "Hey Mom! Listen to my mouth!" But not an everyday candy. Just like Hawaii's football. Hilarious when you are taking the "over" 92.5 and not even sweating it. But sorta stupid to root for when you think about it.
15. Texas (100 Grand Bar)
You gotta have a candy that matches the average payout for an offensive starter over four years in Austin.
16. Auburn (Hershey's Crackle)
This is the exact same bar as the Crunch, but they swear theirs is so much better. To outsiders, it's hard to tell the difference.
17. Alabama (Nestle's Crunch)
18. South Florida (Smores bar)
An enticing newcomer to the candy scene. Nice mix of ingredients, and very satisfying. But does it have staying power to challenge the big vending machine boys in the future? Only time will tell.
19. USC (Twix)
A classic, classic, candy, with a near perfect mix of ingredients. A candy bar that will always be in "consideration" when you choose a champion at lunch time at your break room snack machine.
20. Florida (Starburst)
Packs a powerful sugary wollop to your taste buds in a compact form. Flavors are light, sweet, and fruity. Perfect for a sunshine state team.
21. Wisconsin (Twizzlers)
This candy won't fool you. It's coming right at you, with a basic taste, a meaty chew, and unmistakable all-red uniform scheme.
22. Boise State (Bottle Caps)
One of the most under-rated candies ever. Yet how come it is not stocked as a regular treat in 7-11's? I tell ya, no respect. Maybe it's the gimmicky "Bottle Cap" shape of the candy -- not unlike a blue Astroturf field -- that is cheating this candy of respect.
23. Virginia (Whoppers)
On the outside, they look like a substantial candy. But once past the soft chocolate shell, the guts of this candy melts away faster than you can say "Independence Bowl."
24. Wake Forest (Butterfinger)
This candy bar was never, ever a good idea. Brittle peanut butter innards, that make an ungodly mess when bit into. Remnants stay lodged in teeth until next dental visit. Again, why is Wake Forest playing football?
25. Clemson (Raisinettes)
In a limited way, this does remain a "power" and "tradition" candy. You can pretty much find it in every movie house. Still, I never understood the appeal. You are eating candy, folks. Why let real fruit remnants ruin it?
Steve is a native Washingtonian and has worked in sports talk radio for the last 11 years. He worked at WTEM in 1993 anchoring Team Tickers before he took a full time job with national radio network One-on-One Sports.
A graduate of UC Santa Barbara, Steve has worked for WFNZ in Charlotte where his afternoon show was named "Best Radio Show." Steve continues to serve as a sports personality for WLZR in Milwaukee and does fill-in hosting for Fox Sports Radio.