By Steve Czaban Special to Published Nov 22, 2006 at 5:28 AM
Anybody have an opinion on the BCS this year? Anybody? Bueller, Bueller?

College football’s annual ponzi scheme known as the “Bowl Championship Series” is now front and center, and oh what fun it is.

Prepare yourself for loud arguments, using convoluted logic infused with double standards, caveats, and what ifs.

Imagine two fat guys at a bar, speculating what IF they both somehow hooked up with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan at the top floor of the Bellagio on New Year’s Eve. Who would get whom? Which one would be the better lover? How many rounds could your buddy go with Paris in the hot tub?

And on and on…

That’s your typical BCS argument.

What kind of team was Arkansas when USC beat the stuffing out of them back in September? What do Florida’s two close victories against Vanderbilt and South Carolina mean? How could Notre Dame leapfrog Michigan when they were spanked by the Wolverines?

What, is somebody afraid of one-loss West Virginia and its spread attack?

How come Wisconsin gets no love? Is it the Badgers’ fault they didn’t get a shot at Ohio State?

Rematch? Nobody ever gets a stinkin’ rematch! Fuggadaboutit!


Let’s argue about fat dudes hooking up with Paris Hilton instead.

It’s all so tiresome, because the same thing happens every year. And every year, some moron in the media says or writes: “Isn’t this wonderful! Everybody is talking about college football!”

Yeah. ‘Cause nobody would ever discuss what might happen in a 16-team playoff. Sure. I bet the country would be bored to tears by that. Yep, that No. 3 USC vs. No. 14 Auburn showdown in Round 1 wouldn’t move the needle much.

Nobody would care to opine about the winner of the No. 7 vs. No. 10 game involving Wisconsin and West Virginia, might have an excellent chance to upset No. 2 Michigan.

Could upstart Boise State shock the world and beat the Gators? Ah, I doubt it. Plus who would watch anyway?

The BCS is a marketing scheme, first, second, and last. Never forget that. There’s a reason why the Big 6 Conferences run the thing. It’s like the Big Six crime families in New York. By keeping the garbage routes evenly split up, everybody makes a nice living.


Why risk messing that up? Sure, a true playoff of any sort – even a tepid “Plus One” format would generate a boatload of cash. That’s not the problem. Splitting it up is the problem.

What University presidents fear most is the popularity of a college football playoff rising up like a beast that can’t be controlled. Playoff advocates say they can do a limited playoff (say eight teams) and still keep the Meineke Car Care Bowl safe and sound for use by MAC teams and the like. They even have the spreadsheets and flowcharts to prove it.

Hell, I know. I have seen them. Every year, at least a dozen guys with too much time on their hands, email me exhaustively perfect playoff schemes that account for all the known objections.

But nobody knows what will happen once you uncage the beast. It may break the chains of a four or eight team affair, expand ravenously to 16 in just a few years, and swallow whole whatever was left of the Outback Bowl.

That’s why nobody is willing to risk it. Just like why the mob doesn’t like their garbage guys selling cocaine off the back of their trucks. It could make tons more money. But it also brings in too many unknowns, and too much chance for somebody to get hurt.

Then, once the thing is reasonably settled, just wait until the first time a powerhouse team gets screwed by what it perceives as an unfair seeding and loses in the first round. Now here come more nerds, with more computers, tasked with “solving” that problem.

If you have 16 teams, then the 17th team will scream bloody murder. If it’s 32, then count on number 33 yelling.

Don’t get me wrong, all of these issues are fixable, but I’m not the one with millions of dollars at stake if they change the seeding formula one year, and my team loses a chance at an opening-round home game.

Urban Meyer said that if Michigan gets another crack at Ohio State at the expense of his Gators, then all the ADs, coaches and Presidents should get together and make sure we get a playoff NOW, dammit. Not tomorrow, or next year. Now!

Well, good luck with that.

As it stands, we’ll get a good game between Ohio State and somebody for the “National Championship*#!” It will suck compared to a real playoff. We’ll have to wait 47 days for it. At least several teams will go home for the winter with a very sour taste in their mouths.

But, the checks will cash, nobody will get fired, and a lot of college kids will get a free trip to play an exhibition game called a “Bowl.” There will be embroidered hats and logo t-shirts, and the local chamber of commerce will put out a press release stating the economic impact of the “YOUR NAME HERE Bowl” in their fair city.

This is how it has been done forever, in the Big Six college football crime family. It may seem old fashioned, but it’s the way they like it.

* = Note: Championship may be disputed by another 1-loss team.
# = Note: Computers may still disagree with your unofficial “Title.”
! = Note: Good thing you only needed to play one game to win it.

Steve Czaban Special to

Steve is a native Washingtonian and has worked in sports talk radio for the last 11 years. He worked at WTEM in 1993 anchoring Team Tickers before he took a full time job with national radio network One-on-One Sports.

A graduate of UC Santa Barbara, Steve has worked for WFNZ in Charlotte where his afternoon show was named "Best Radio Show." Steve continues to serve as a sports personality for WLZR in Milwaukee and does fill-in hosting for Fox Sports Radio.