By Steve Czaban Special to Published Jul 04, 2006 at 5:03 AM

(Editor's note: Based on the way this "column" arrived on Tuesday -- as an Excel spreadsheet, full of typos, all in caps and with no formatting, it seems like Czabe fully enjoyed himself this long holiday weekend. Anyway, we cleaned up his ramblings as best as possible and present this comparison between the Fourth and Thanksgiving. We can't guarantee that Steve was sober while writing this -- all we know is that following chart is his opinion and his only.

Item Fourth of july Thanksgiving
Holiday vibe Go ahead, I dare you. Hey! Behave. It's thanksgiving!
Days off 3 day weekend 4 day weekend
Historical celebration Telling Nigel and company: "F off mates… we can make our own tea, and we don’t' want no stinkin king! Broke bread with Tonto to celebrate surviving one stinkin' year in this uncivilized hellhole
Gambling opportunity 3-team WNBA teaser 2 glorious NFL games, both on TV
Sports related activity Whip cream twister Two hand touch football
Table manners Caveman Martha Stewart
Food served Fried chicken, burgers, dogs, BBQ, corn, cole slaw, fries, beans, chips Turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, cranberry sauce, stuffing
Alcoholic consumption 16 Schaeffer lights, followed by passing out on a dirty blanket 5 glasses of red wine, followed by nap on the couch
Post-meal entertainment Topless Frisbee with three chicks you just met Listening to great uncle Harold tell stories about LBJ
Best looking chick to look at "Kylie," a 23 year old paralegal who happens to work weekends at the local strip joint to save money for "grad school" Cousin sally, who is a 33 year old accountant that looks like Rene Zellweger in “Bridget Jones'” diary
Chances for getting some Like walking into a women's prison with a fistful of pardons Virtually none
Pants Optional Dockers
Mayhem moment Shooting a roman candle into your buddy Sal's top down 325i convertible The dining room clearing out, when you blast a silent but deadly "onion casserole nose curler"
Best thing that can happen Your car is where you left it in the morning Lions cover 13 point spread with straight up win a 500 two-team moneyline parlay
Worst thing that can happen "Dude ... She was only 16, and her dad says he's going to testify" Your family doesn't speak to each other for 10 years because of one slightly off-center remark
Steve Czaban Special to

Steve is a native Washingtonian and has worked in sports talk radio for the last 11 years. He worked at WTEM in 1993 anchoring Team Tickers before he took a full time job with national radio network One-on-One Sports.

A graduate of UC Santa Barbara, Steve has worked for WFNZ in Charlotte where his afternoon show was named "Best Radio Show." Steve continues to serve as a sports personality for WLZR in Milwaukee and does fill-in hosting for Fox Sports Radio.