Overcoming fear is key to ending domestic abuse

My high school boyfriend was incredibly controlling, jealous and, at times, even violent.

I was 17, thought I knew what love was and figured he just loved me so much that he couldn't stand to be away from me. It was my impression that this was how relationships worked. If I so much as spent a night at the movies with my girlfriends, my boyfriend would scream at me and accuse me of being with someone else and not loving him and so on.

If I was 10 minutes late meeting him for his lunch break at work, he would throw a public tantrum followed by apologies and gifts promising never to do it again, all because he loved me. If I sound like a Lifetime Original Movie, there's good reason for it, because this is the mentality of many people in abusive relationships.

That takes its toll, for sure, but when I realized that this was all a manipulation to control my every move, I knew something was wrong. I became so exhausted and fearful from always being screamed at that I just gave up, gave in and did everything possible to avoid the fights -- which also meant he got what he wanted.

I was kept away from my friends, only allowed to venture out with him. High school love tends to be very dramatic, anyway, but this eventually reached levels that my family and friends were uncomfortable with and I finally began to comprehend what serious impact this one relationship was having on my other relationships and my life. Even after I began to realize how wrong this was and how unhappy I was, even after the abuse became physical, I couldn't walk away.

Domestic abuse is something many of us see everyday, but either the signs are too slight to recognize or we believe that it's none of our business to intrude. It's true that many abusive relationships start out very subtle; so subtle, in fact, that victims themselves have trouble identifying the abuse until it reaches more severe levels. By that time, the manipulation of their emotions is such that even physical violence is not enough to convince them to seek help.

I have and -- I'm sure many of you have -- friends, acquaintances, co-workers or family members currently in abusive relationships that cannot acknowledge or refuse to acknowledge the presence of abuse. It can be incredibly difficult to watch from the outside and know what you are witnessing is wrong, but feel very powerless to help someone that won't accept it.

When you have been in the same situation, it's easier to recognize the signs but also more frustrating to watch someone continue to ignore or downplay the abuse. It's infuriating to know this goes on, and the question always is, "Why don't you leave? Just pack up and leave." Fear is the answer to that question. As angry as it makes us to know people stay in these relationships, it's not stupidity keeping victims in these situations, it's fear.

Keep in mind that abuse does not mean you have to have visible bruises, scratches or black eyes. Domestic abuse takes many shapes; physical, emotional and even sexual abuse. Men can be the victim of domestic abuse, but statistically the victims are women. Abuse can occur in same-sex and opposite-sex relationships. And ,if it weren't nauseating enough already, a lot of domestic abuse begins or escalates when a woman becomes pregnant or a baby is brought into the situation. Children and pets are often used as pawns in violent relationships. This aspect makes my blood boil. I understand that you may not be able to pull yourself out of a relationship in which you are being abused, but I cannot grasp allowing someone to hurt the innocent and defenseless. There is no excuse for this.

As friends and family of abuse victims, we have to be the litmus test for those that cannot recognize the problems in their own relationships. Don't ignore or fear that you'll embarrass someone by bringing up signs of abuse. Think of the alternative, especially when it comes to children, expectant mothers and pets. Would you really rather avoid embarrassment?

If you are in an abusive relationship, realize that the reason you are being kept from your friends and family is not simply because he or she wants to spend all that time with you out of love; it's because your abuser knows full well that those are the people that are going to sit you down and show you what's really going on. Those are the people that will bring you back to reality and show you that no one that claims to love you would abuse you. That's simply not the way it works. There are many symptoms of abuse, some that may even surprise you. There are also many resources available for those suspecting abuse in their own relationship or the relationships of others. My suggestion is not to wait another day before helping those that cannot help themselves.

I am angry with myself for staying in a relationship that made me so unhappy and that did so much to damage my self-esteem and friendships. I was young, stupid and it took me a long time to come to grips with the nature of this abuse. I learned a lot from those years and now I'm more capable of recognizing the signs of a relationship that won't work. I know that many abusive relationships do not end as smoothly as my experience did, and I believe that without the acknowledgment of my friends and family, it could have ended tragically or could still be going on.

If you or someone you know is being abused, please call The National Domestic Abuse Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (7233) for anonymous and confidential help 24 hours a day and seven days a week.