By Eric Huber and Matt Schauf   Published Dec 04, 2010 at 3:06 PM

One of Leslie Nielsen's most popular quotes states, "Doing nothing is very hard to do ... you never know when you're finished." It's also a quote that I think is hanging in Brett Favre's purple locker.

Rumor also has it that Favre hangs up the RapidDraft Fantasy Football Forecast as well. In this week's edition he and many fantasy owners will see a mix of Usain Bolt and man boobs, find out who will be throwing overhand haymakers, and will get bad advice on when to get a Colonoscopy. Let's get to it.

Starting player "A" is like

Starting Ray Rice against the Steelers is like playing the drunken Bean Bag Toss King for the case of Miller Lite. You have to play him because of the slight possibility of collecting the award-winning beer, but know you have absolutely no chance, especially because the "King" gets better with more keg stands.

Starting Jamaal Charles against the Broncos is like watching Usain Bolt run the 40-yard dash against Andre Smith. Charles darting past Broncos defenders though, is less predictable. If you don't start him, then basically you're taking Smith over Bolt, and that's utter man boob insanity.

Starting Sam Bradford against the Cardinals is like watching Ilya Kovalchuk destroy Mike Comrie (April 2007) with overhand haymakers. Comrie had no chance from the start, and should've been booed for even trying to fight the Goliath goal scorer.

Starting Santonio Holmes against the Patriots is like trying to refuse free sporting event tickets from the co-worker who has lost interest. It's hard to say no because they're free and have your heart beating faster than a rock band drummer. Ultimately though, you would rather take the safer option, fearing that the wife or girlfriend may bring the verbal heat.

Starting Jacoby Ford against the Chargers is like the scene from Two and a Half Men, when Charlie calls his doctor to schedule a Colonoscopy so he doesn't have to meet his girlfriend's parents. Yeah, admit it, you're desperate. He's a Raiders receiver.

Don't fall off your chair

  • I had the weirdest dream about Randy Moss getting thrown to. I had no idea what to do, so I ordered a McRib and yelled at the guy who served it to me.
  • If Brett Swain, Clay Matthews and A.J. Hawk ever wind up standing around together with their helmets off, you can bet there's someone nearby wondering which guy plays bass.
  • Eric Mangini is a big fan of waiting until the last minute to announce his starting quarterback to make the opponent prepare for all possibilities. When the starter is Jake Delhomme, I would imagine that opposing defenders are annoyed to not get the full week to prepare their touchdown dances.
  • Shaun Smith's early rushing touchdown left me thinking that Todd Haley has a bet with someone that Jamaal Charles can't score from inside the 5. Fortunately, Kansas City's between-the-5s runner later scored from 3 yards out. (Perhaps Smith merely had Haley by the balls.)
  • Know how we could tell that Brandon Marshall was missing? No one was flinging Cheerios in the Miami huddle. (Actually, that's an unfair analogy ... for small children.)
  • I'm guessing that Anquan Boldin's weak production at this point in the season comes as a result of him having no idea what to do while playing so many consecutive games without a knee injury.
  • Watching Kevin Boss run for more than 20 yards to score a touchdown is like watching a young child bowl: It takes forever, and you're left assuming that success came almost totally by accident. Fortunately, Jaguars defensive backs make for excellent bumpers.

Random tidbits

With Frank Gore likely to miss the rest of the season, 31-year old ceramic Brian Westbrook will be the 49ers new starting running back, for now that is. Westbrook's fantasy value is currently sky high, but owners should be aware that one bad fall and his value will shatter. Owners should also be aware of the fact that Westbrook does have an ankle injury he's nursing, so his Fred Taylor-esque glamour may be short-lived. Beyond him is Anthony Dixon, who is reportedly going to be the 49ers "Thunder" to "Lightning" Westbrook. As far as I'm concerned I'm jumping on Dixon before overpaying for Westbrook, especially if I have the depth to do so.

It's hard not to spot Jay Cutler this week. He's coming off a four-touchdown and temper tantrum-filled performance against the Eagles, and is matched up against a Lions defense he has torched in the past. In fact, through four career games he's averaging two touchdowns per game and a quarterback rating of 110.1 against Detroit. However, I am a little concerned that he has thrown just four 40+ yard passes this season; an area of the field he has typically strived in. Now he's counting purely on his receiving talent, which isn't exactly dazzling.

I just about fell of my chair when I saw Brandon Lloyd's first down percentage of 93.1. I mean, I didn't know that Kyle Orton was smart enough to find Lloyd past the sticks on 54 of the 58 passes thrown his way. Lloyd also leads all receivers with 1,122 yards, and eight 40+ yard passes. Anyone that saw this kind of production from the Broncos receiver was either hanging out with Cheech and Chong when crunching rankings, or rode with Marty McFly in to the future. The best part for those who own him is that he seems to be heating up again, as he has scored six touchdowns in the last four games.

Four downs

Huber: The ball is on the 50 yard line, and you're up by three with 1:18 left, and the defense has all three timeouts remaining.

First Down -– You know the defense will stack the line. Are you handing it off to Chris "Beanie" Wells or Tashard Choice?

How did "Beanie" get on my team? I would hand off to Dmitri Nance at this point over that leaker. So I guess that leaves Tashard Choice, who is my favorite Cowboys runner anyways; always has been. Yeah, he's the clear "choice" for me.

Second Down -- You gain just two yards, but want to continue to keep the clock moving. Are you throwing a wide receiver screen to Johnny Knox or a tight end screen to Jacob Tamme?

Again, I'm not sure how or why "Little Johnny" is on my team, as I thought I made it pretty clear that there are no Bears allowed. Nevertheless, I'll use him as a blocker for Tamme's fast legs. The defense won't see it coming.

Third Down -- You gain just two yards again and are faced with a heavy dilemma. Will you attempt to convert the third down through the air to receiver Mike Williams (Buccaneers) on a slant route, or are you handing off to Thomas Jones on a shotgun draw play?

As confident as I am in my right arm and it's sniper-like accuracy I have to take a pass on Pete Carroll's pet, and go with the veteran who has the ability to break tackles and come up big on key downs. I'll hand it off carefully though, and make sure the pigskin hits between the 2 and 0.

Fourth Down -- You come up one yard short. There are 57 seconds left. Are you letting coach pooch punt it, or are you trying to entice him to take a chance and go for it? If so, what play are you suggesting?

Coach will have to drag me off the field like a three-year old child if he wants to punt. I've learned when playing Madden to call a quick pitch to the outside with just one yard to go, and that's precisely what I'll execute with receiver Steve Johnson who will be wearing Tashard Choice's jersey. Johnson owes me big time for last week's slippery debacle.

Schauf : You're down by 21 points with 6:06 left. You have the ball first and 15 on the on your own 38 yard line thanks to a false start penalty.

First Down -- With the defense playing in a nickel zone you have three underneath options. You can either throw a quick hook to James Jones lined up in the slot, run an inside draw with Toby Gerhart, or throw a five yard square in to Mike Thomas? What are you doing here?

The big-play is my best friend here, so I'm going to Prince Upside, James Jones, unless he's covered. I like Mike Thomas, too, though, so I'll look his way for safety whenever I need to.

Second Down -- You gain seven yards, but another false start penalty leaves you with a 2nd and 13. You see the middle of the field will be open again. Are you throwing a quick hitch to Kevin Boss, or a square in to Bo Scaife?

Both of those guys are standing on the sideline at this stage. I might call on Boss once I get closer to the end zone.

Third Down -- You gain just four yards on second down and are faced with a 3 rd and 8. Are you throwing a sideline out to Terrell Owens, or throwing an eight yard jump ball to Marques Colston?

I don't believe in jump balls unless they're in the end zone and Calvin Johnson is doing the jumping. With this kind of deficit, I'm counting on being able to find a better option than one of these routes ... especially with Owens facing the tough Saints' pass D in Week 13.

Fourth Down -- You have inches to go after a terrible zebra measurement. Are you running up the middle with Brandon Jackson or sneaking it across the imaginary line yourself?

Does Brandon Jackson actually run the ball? I'm calling my own number.