The forecast is back for lucky Week 7 for those fantasy owners hungry for a win. On the menu this week is blue moon ice cream, bad American Idol auditions, political informercials, Steven Jackson's hair, an Az-Zahir Hakim sighting, Matt Schauf playing Madden NFL football and every kid's favorite -- Spaghetti O's.
Oh and by the way, this is the most entertaining fantasy football weekly column, period. Toot, toot!
Starting "player A" is like...
Starting Randy Moss against the Packers is like having bigger eyes than your stomach can handle. You lick your chops upon seeing the delightful Randy stats against the green and gold, and the handful of injuries affecting their defense, but his attitude on the field may end up making you feel sick come Sunday night.
Starting Ray Rice against the Bills is like Landon Donovan playing kickball with elementary school children. The only chance the Buffalo defense has is if they bean Rice with the pigskin.
Starting Cedric Benson against the Falcons is like drinking bitter beer. It is not advised, and will cause major "fantasy" irritation. Is it Miller time yet?
Starting Johnny Knox against the Redskins is like eating a waffle cone full of blue moon ice cream. Even the leftovers that leave the lips blue are tasty. And if you don’t like ice cream, then that’s just more for me.
Starting Felix Jones against the Giants is like a bad American Idol audition. Those who have him in their starting lineups will get annoyed, while others will laugh hysterically upon watching Jones showcase repulsive dance moves against a fast G-Men front four. William Hung anyone?
Starting Max Hall against the Seahawks is like one of those political candidate infomercials. On one hand it makes no sense because of who he is, but on the other hand he’ll be up against a defense that has been gashed defending the pass. I say only do it if you’re desperate for change.
Random Fantasy Tidbits
- Eagles wide receiver Desean Jackson is expected to miss this week’s game against the Titans, but I’m sure that’s okay with Jeremy Maclin owners. Maclin had his best game of the season (seven receptions, 159 yards and two touchdowns) thanks to the departure of Jackson, and is expected to be a heavy contributor this week against a Tennessee defense that is allowing a 23rd best 231.0 passing yards per game. Jason Avant will get the start opposite of Maclin and figures to contribute this week as well.
- Saints running back Pierre Thomas missed practice again this week, and is likely going to miss his next start against the Browns on Sunday. Rookie Chris Ivory, who is coming off a 150-plus yard, one-touchdown game last week, will start in his place. There is no timetable set for Thomas’ return, who has stood on the sidelines a lot in the past few seasons.
- Seahawks wide receiver Mike Williams is back, again. This time, though, I think it's for good. With Deion Branch out of the picture he's pretty much a lock to get targeted at least 5-10 times per week. Plus, his head coach is in love with his USC talent.
- I suspect a few undefeated team owners were probably close to collapsing upon learning about Antonio Gates’ fate during last week’s game against the Rams, and for good reason. However, it is being reported out of San Diego that his "toe" injury is only minor, and that the team is hopeful he will play against the Patriots this week. This is also good news for Philip Rivers owners as well, as the team is already going to be without Malcom Floyd due to a hamstring injury.
- Did you know that Broncos quarterback Kyle Orton has thrown for over half the amount of yards (1942) he threw for last season through just six games? Yeah, the Broncos quarterback is at peak value right now, but if and when Knowshon Moreno makes his fantasy comeback I suspect Orton be the hot name in many transactions.
Four Downs with Huber and Schauf
It’s first and goal with the ball on the nine yard line. You line up in a jumbo set. Your running back options are Ryan Torain and Tim Hightower. Who are you handing the ball off to?
Aw man. I swear I had Steven Jackson in my backfield. If I have to make the call I’m handing it to Hightower, only because he reminds me of Jackson when his hair sways in the wind.
You lose two yards and are left with a long 2nd and goal. Are you throwing a pass in the flat to Visanthe Shiancoe or looking for Bo Scaife on a post corner route in the back of the end-zone?
I’m starting to wonder if these players are coming from the fantasy dumpster behind my house. Starting either of these options is like imagining Spaghetti O’s taste like a plate of homemade spaghetti. Neither will please my fantasy appetite, but I’ll play it safe and go short to Shiancoe.
The pass falls incomplete, and you’re left with a third and goal. Are you gunning it to the back of the end-zone to Anquan Boldin, or going short middle to Larry Fitzgerald?
I finally have some talent to work with. The only problem now is that the routes seem backwards. I think I’ll flip the formation and look for Fitzgerald in the back of the end-zone; I like his hair.
Your pass falls incomplete once again. Now on fourth and goal you have the option of going to Nate Washington on a short fly route or Steve Johnson on an inside cross. Who are you throwing to?
I think I just threw up in my mouth. I refuse to throw to either of these fantasy chumps. I’m throwing to my top tight end Jason Witten instead, even if it takes throwing a spoiled brat tantrum to get my way. And if he drops it like Yancey Thigpen I’m cutting him for Ben Watson.
With seventy five seconds left to play and 60 yards to go you line up in the shotgun on first down. You see that the defense is playing prevent. Are you running a draw play with Justin Forsett or throwing a screen pass to Marshawn Lynch?
I'm getting the ball into Forsett's hands a lot more often at that point in the game than I am Lynch's. He's a much bigger threat to break a big play, and even if Forsett gets stopped he'll at least do it quicker.
After having your play blown up on first down you take a timeout and are left with 10 yards to go. Are you taking a shot and going 40 yards down the field to Mike Wallace, or gunning in to the gut of Patrick Crayton on a quick five yard curl route?
Let's put the women and children to bed and go lookin' for dinner, boys. I'm going deep and hoping like heck that I have an NFL quarterback's arm in this scenario.
Your pass is dropped, and you’re left with a third and ten with 50 seconds left. The defense lines up in prevent again as you come to the line in shotgun formation. Are you running a draw play with Thomas Jones or throwing a seven yard out route to Roy Williams?
Neither. Since I'm apparently running the 2004 Detroit Lions -- already having made the wise choice to sign Thomas Jones off his showcase year in Tampa -- I'm looking for Az-Zahir Hakim to get me what I need and threaten to break one. If it doesn't work out, at least I've given everyone a chance to say Az-Zahir Hakim again.
You gain seven yards, and are left with a 4th and three. Are you doing the unthinkable and throwing a 53-yard bomb to Roddy White, or throwing a wide receiver screen to Wes Welker and hoping he can get enough yards and get out of bounds?
First I'm thanking my Madden game for allowing me a team with White, Welker and Roy E. on it and wondering why I'm down late to begin with. Just before the delay-of-game call, though, I'm going Welker's way. We can always go lookin' for dinner on the next down.