By Kevin Brandt Special to Published Oct 30, 2006 at 5:27 PM
I am terrible with costumes. I have never had a decent Halloween costume in my entire life. Subsequently, I have avoided costume occasions at all costs. Not because I think I am too cool, but because I would rather subject myself to ridicule for not dressing than make a half-hearted effort at some lame costume that everyone is going to think is stupid anyway.

But, that doesn't stop other people, now does it?

Here is my list of Halloween costumes that indicate, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that the wearer gave no thought or energy into costume selection or constructions.

Guy Dressed Like a Woman

Just putting on a dress, wig and smearing lipstick over your mouth ala Florence Henderson in "Shakes the Clown" does not a costume make. I am sure it was funny as a part of your fraternity’s homecoming skit, but it isn't funny now. Your hairy legs sticking out of the floral pattern housecoat are offensive and disgusting. And yes, we know you aren't wearing any underwear. Why? Because you've spent the entire evening telling everyone you aren't wearing any underwear. And, for future reference, women are only interested in viewing your exposed junk if you're wearing a kilt.

The Athlete

Putting on a jersey from your favorite sports team doesn't constitute a costume. It means it’s Sunday. Furthermore, if you actually play a sport, never go as an athlete from that sport. For example, if you are a hockey player, don't put on all the gear and go as a hockey player. If you play baseball, don't put on the baseball uniform, even if you do decide you are going to, plus it up with eye black and a Breathe Right strip. The same goes for football, basketball, tennis and soccer: soccer is acceptable only if you go as a soccer player who has been trampled to death by European soccer hooligans.

The only athletic costume that is acceptable as a Halloween costume is the Greco-Roman wrestling singlet and headgear.

The Slutty Girl

Not a costume. You're just breaking free from your repressed Puritan upbringing. Unless, of course, you really are a slut, in which case let me buy you a drink.

The Girl Dressed Up Like a Cat

I hate cats.

The Character from a Movie That is No Longer Relevant

Austin Powers. Dr. Evil. Napoleon Dynamite. Zoolander. Ron Burgundy. That mask from the movie "Scream." Or for that matter any movie that is overplayed on TNT. Quite frankly, we don't want to hear you saying, "Groovy Baby. Shall we shag?" 4,000 times this evening. If you want to be a movie character, go as Borat, and show Beaver Hunt pictures of your sister. At least that would be authentic.

Any Killer from a Movie That Has More than One Sequel

Mike Meyers from Halloween. Jason from Friday the 13th. Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Freddy Krueger from Nightmare on Elm Street. We've only seen these costumes for the last 20 years. Ooohhhh. Scary. You can also file them under the character from a movie that is no longer relevant category.

If you want to go as a serial killer, I suggest, Richard Ramirez, Ted Bundy, the BTK Killer or the post-estrogen injections Richard Speck.

Fat Elvis

Too easy. If you want to go as Elvis, go as the early years gold lame Elvis. And if no one can figure out who you are, you can always say you are Congresswoman Gwen Moore.

So again, another Halloween will come and go and I shall remain costume-less and at home. But then again, I also won't be one of those listed above. Too bad the same can't be said for everyone.
Kevin Brandt Special to
Kevin "KB" Brandt has been bringing Milwaukee radio listeners their morning sports for years. His "Sports With Intrigue" entertains, educates and challenges listeners to figure out which parts of his sportscasts he bothered looking up and which he guessed at.

In his spare time, KB buys vests, adds to his Bruce Springsteen Shrine and plays with his band, kb'smidlifecrisis (available for church festivals, bar mitzvahs and to fill opening slots for national acts.)