As a new year dawns, soothsaying seems natural. Because some of the predictions could (should?) be swept away by the tides, this column is for entertainment purposes only. In other words, don't take them to Vegas. If they come true, however, we will demand full credit.
Snow Job: Campaigning under the mantra of "we plowed the streets," all Milwaukee aldermen easily win re-election. No matter that the city ran out of salt and thousands of residents' cars were all but eroded by rust due to the heavy salting. The 15 men were seen dancing on the freshly salted pavement Downtown. As for the potholes, voters are told they'll be fixed in time for the next election.
Pave Crave: Angered by lingering protests over plans to expand I-94 into eight lanes from Milwaukee south to the Illinois state line, the state Department of Transportation announces a plan to entirely pave over South Milwaukee, creating the nation's largest park and ride lot.
"I used to be a Teamster for sure," responded DOT chief Frank Busalacchi, a former local Teamsters president. "But, I still like concrete."
Jailbird Reach: In a stunning turn of events, Michael McGee Jr. gets elected mayor while in jail awaiting trials for shaking down taverns and stores and threatening witnesses and various other folks. The write-in campaign was fueled by the "McGee for Me" fan club, which bussed people in from Waukesha to vote in the April election. McGee was in the Waukesha County Jail awaiting trial and developed a cult following while cooling his heels.
Thompson Rolls Over: Tired of being out of the headlines and bored with the mundane task of collecting millions while serving on various corporate boards, former Wisconsin Gov. Tommy Thompson declares his intention to run for president in 2012. But given that it was 2008 and a current presidential battle was being waged, no one showed up for the press conference at Thompson's Boca Raton compound.
Water Torture: Global warming continues to plague the Midwest further, dropping Lake Michigan water levels to record lows. Freighters begin to unload their wares on canoes outside the break wall in order to have their goods make it to port. The WE Energies intake pipe for its new Oak Creek power plant is exposed as nothing more than a big plastic drinking straw.
Realizing that Lake Michigan water will not be available to save their souls, Waukesha officials ban water use altogether in favor of giving residents cheap Merlot from California to drink and water their lawns with instead. Residents don't notice the difference, except that their lawns have a purplish hue.
Tough Ticket: Thinking that no one is taking her presidential effort seriously, Hillary Clinton, in a nationwide broadcast, summarily executes her campaign staff to show the world she has the cojones to bomb Third World countries into oblivion as well.
Plundering Pakistan: Seeing a dwindling number of Third World invasion possibilities, President Bush orders an assault on Pakistan in order to restore democracy and eliminate weapons of mass destruction. Bush is thus praised for his insightfulness and hitting the right target this time.
Furry Fun: Mink farmers are accused of using human growth hormones to enhance their product. Men everywhere are found flocking to furriers after seeing the end result, a furry version shaped like Paris Hilton.
Favre Plays On: Shocking the world, Brett Favre announces he will retire -- at the end of the 2020 -- in order to hold the record for being the oldest player ever to play the game. In the meantime, he runs for governor of Mississippi and gets a reprieve from his political duties in order to play football. After hearing the news, Aaron Rogers falls into the Fox River and drowns.
The Coach K Way: Seeing his team lacking a fundamental defensive mindset, Bucks coach Larry Krystkowiak dons his old uniform and hits the court once again. The coach becomes a convenient target since he's easily spotted wearing the old-style short shorts.
The Power of the Pen: After seeing the success of his wife Tonette's e-mail begging for campaign money, Scott Walker drops out of the Milwaukee County executive race in favor of his wife.
An avid outdoors person he regularly takes extended paddling trips in the wilderness, preferring the hinterlands of northern Canada and Alaska. After a bet with a bunch of sailors, he paddled across Lake Michigan in a canoe.
He lives in Bay View.
