When ESPN embarked upon identifying the 50 Greatest Athletes of All Time, I said, "Good idea."
When the list came back and included a horse, I said, "Who was voting? Mr. Ed? Trigger?"
The effort by ESPN was noble. Its "SportsCentury" series was well conceived. The features on the Top 50 Athletes were richly produced and quite compelling. I watched as many as I could.
But I missed the one about a horse. Call it part bad timing, part protest.
As if the following sentence ever needed to be uttered or written, allow me anyway: A HORSE IS NOT AN ATHLETE!!! A HORSE IS A HORSE (of course, of course).
Thankfully, I was not the only one to scream this from atop my Barcalounger. Many other sane sports fans were able to see the difference. The panel of sportswriters and broadcasters who came up with the list apparently did not.
No doubt the "old fart wing" of this panel (i.e. guys who used to ride trains with ink-stained legends like Red Smith and Jim Murray from game to game) led the charge to place Triple Crown winner Secretariat among the pantheon of sporting greats.
They no doubt did this because once upon a time horse racing was the second best beat any writer could land at a major metropolitan paper behind Major League Baseball. I also point out that once upon a time sportswriters went drinking with players and smoked cigars like chimps in the pressbox. So what?
So because horse racing used to be a premiere sport to cover, and because Secretariat was the most dominant horse of all time, the incorrect leap of logic that Secretariat was an athlete (a HORSE, people!) was somehow was made.
At least I figured ESPN had learned its lesson. Apparently not. Last week ESPN Classic ran a whole week of horsie features on its SportsCentury series. This time canonizing the likes of Alydar, Seattle Slew, Affirmed and Citation.
You gotta be kidding, right? Unless they intend to farm those features out to the "Equestrian Channel" (call your cable company or satellite provider for availability) I can't think of a bigger waste of videotape.
This would be like VH1 doing a "Behind the Music" feature on the lead singer of Menudo, and then deciding to do the rest of the "band."
So once and for all (are you reading, ESPN?) let me explain why horsies are not athletes.
They are not athletes because they are not human. They don't have emotions. They don't know much more than "eat hay, run fast, turn left." There is no "mental side" of horse racing, otherwise we'd have already seen sports psychologists swoop in to help a horse deal with the pressure of taking the Derby and the Preakness into the Belmont for the Triple Crown. And don't bring up the "Horse Whisperer." We all know that was a bunch of crap.
Horsies are not athletes because they don't have to deal with teammates who won't pass them the ball. They aren't traded to a totally different barn in mid season. They don't have to learn to play a different position. Or read the paper to see that everyone thinks you are not giving it maximum effort down the backstretch. Or listen to sports talk radio and hear Joe from Yonkers call you "a disgrace to horse racing!"
Horses don't rank as athletes because they don't come back from season-ending injuries. You break a leg, and you'll be giving pony rides at birthday parties (if you are lucky).
Good thing Willis Reed wasn't a horse. Otherwise the Knicks would have shot him at halftime of Game 7 back in 1970. Horses don't run with a debilitating flu and win races. But Michael Jordan did to the Utah Jazz in the NBA Finals.
Horses don't add "new wrinkles" to their game through practice. They don't innovate and change the nature of their sport. Horseracing is the same as it was "back in the day." You breed 'em. You whip 'em. You bet 'em. Compare that to the NBA where you could once upon a time shoot a set shot and not have it blocked. Real athletes are always looking for an edge to make them better. Horses are looking for a bucket of water and a warm spot in the stall. I don't blame 'em. They're horses, for God's sake!
I don't think Seattle Slew grew up in a crime ridden horse farm, where his "momma horsie" had to fend off rival "horsie gangsters" with a shotgun. But Isiah Thomas did. If they ran the Derby and the Preakness on back to back days, maybe I'd be impressed.
In the NHL, they play so many back-to-back games during the season, their equipment barely has time to dry. Nobody ever came up with a "game plan to stop Secretariat." Hell, he still only won a single Triple Crown. That puts him three titles behind Jordan, and the same number of majors behind Tiger.
Perhaps if there were a horse that won the Kentucky Derby and then went on to take a gold medal in Steeplechase at the Olympics, perhaps I'd reconsider. Charlie Ward won the Heisman Trophy and then went on to become a starter in the NBA. He also proved this year he can make himself look like a horse's ass when he opens his mouth about religion.
The next time I see a horse out all night before the Derby slamming vodka shots and chasing tail, but still managing to show the next day, I'll be closer to calling him an athlete. Or maybe when a horse learns how to answer the same question asked 67 different ways by idiot sportswriters. If he has a Web site, a shoe deal, or several illegitimate foals, then maybe.
Next up: a SportsCentury feature on Dale Earnhardt's Chevy Monte Carlo. It should run just after they profile Jack Nicklaus' set of Macgregor irons.
A horse, people. Now come on.
Steve is a native Washingtonian and has worked in sports talk radio for the last 11 years. He worked at WTEM in 1993 anchoring Team Tickers before he took a full time job with national radio network One-on-One Sports.
A graduate of UC Santa Barbara, Steve has worked for WFNZ in Charlotte where his afternoon show was named "Best Radio Show." Steve continues to serve as a sports personality for WLZR in Milwaukee and does fill-in hosting for Fox Sports Radio.
