Dear Ron Johnson, senior U.S. Sen. from the great state of Wisconsin,

I was watching, as I do, video news updates from NewsMax. I can't believe how many people I meet who don't know about NewsMax, all those moonfaced liberal idiots. NewsMax is the only outlet that is willing to tell The Truth, everything from how U.S. President Barack Obama was not born in America (faking his birth certificate) to the truth that global warming is a hoax and stupid liberals running around in a "climate change" panic are being fed lies to whip them into a paranoid fit of believing they are about to die from cow farts. Ha ha!

Anyway, Senator, you've convinced me that I will surely die of ebola at any moment. Or "Obola," as Obama has steadfastly refused to seal our borders, stop any travel from Africa, and change his name to a distinctly non-African name like Steve or Superman to confuse the squiggly little virus bug about where it is. And as you pointed out in the video I was watching, those terrorists in ISIS are lined up to bring ebola to all of us -- a "real and present danger," you said.

I know you also said that if Obamacare wasn't repealed, I would probably die, too. Well, the death panel hasn't gotten me yet, though here in my bunker they're much less a threat to me than ISIS soldiers and their infections lined up at the border. I apologize for the quality of my handwriting, as I am quite terrified at the thought.

I considered taking matters into my own hands -- jump in the truck, stop at Menard's for some of that plastic you put over the windows with a hair dryer, and the drive up to our border with Canadia to start protecting America the way its spineless leaders won't. But instead I'm sitting here and scrawling out my will on the the back of this, my pocket Constitution with the second amendment written in 18-point font the way the lord intended.

I'm sure you appreciate that detail, Senator. Can I call you Ron? I feel that as I share my last living moments with you, I should be allowed to be familiar. Anyway, Ron, I know you appreciate my love of the second amendment. You're one of the heroes -- every single GOP senator, in fact, along with some Dummocrats who were right for once -- who blocked the nomination of Vivek Murthy for U.S. surgeon general. Murthy had the nerve to say that guns kill people, and that they should be regulated.

That's absurd! Guns don't kill people, Ron, ISIS fighters with ebola kill people. And what kind of name is "Vivek"? That certainly isn't one of those all-American names like Steve or Superman, so he probably hates America anyway, so good for you for supporting that filibuster. Having a surgeon general like that in this time of epidemic crisis is surely worse than having no surgeon general at all.

And the word "regulate" isn't even in the second amendment! What are they trying to do to our guns, Ron?

Speaking of, well, this is supposed to be my last will and testament. So, Ron, I leave you my guns. When they come to take my body from the bunker, they may not be able to find all of them -- or the ammunition I've been stockpiling since 2009 when NewsMax convinced me that Obama's thugs were coming for our guns and ammo. But they might want to ask my young children where the guns are; like in so many other families in America, my kids keep finding my guns and playing with them, so I am sure they can tell you where they all are.

Make sure, too, Ron, that my wife gets all the Social Security and Medicare she is entitled to after I die. I am, as you like to champion, a victim of government, given how many times I've had to call those fat-headed bureaucrats to tell them to keep their government paws out of our Medicare! The government is completely useless, I tell you and should be shut down entirely -- no government programs at all anymore!

I'm dropping this in the mail today, Senator, and that will probably be the last time I breathe fresh air before the virus gets me. Keep fighting the good fight on Benghazi, and God bless.