{image1} This summer, the Detroit Tigers baseball team flirted with setting the modern record for losses in a major league season. And even though they rallied to win five of their last six the 119 losses provided endless hours of punch lines for sports fans around the country.
The Tigers were undeniably toothless, laughably clawless and comically hapless.
Shortly after this season of infamy, one seven year old male tiger named "Montecore" attacked his longtime Las Vegas trainer and headline performer Roy Horn. The attack came within inches of killing him, thanks to deep puncture wounds of crucial arteries in Horn's neck.
Now, many of you out there, probably think these news items are unrelated. Well, I am here to connect the dots.
You see, real tigers can only take so much of being ridiculed as a symbol of cowardice and ineptitude. Something had to give. Sadly, that was Horn's neck. It was a small bite for Montecore, but a big bite for tiger-kind. The attack reminded all of us humans, that real tigers (not the baseball Tigers) are some seriously bad muthas.
Which of course, is why we make animals the object of our team nicknames. To inspire fear. To connote power and prestige. And well, to look damn cool on the side of a helmet, or front of a cap.
I had never given a second thought to the sports nickname "tigers" before this incident, but I certainly do now. In doing a little cursory research on tigers, I found an interesting little nugget. They are killing machines! Even with a high powered rifle, oddsmakers would still post "ol' stripey" as a three point favorite over a human being. And that's either at home in the jungle, or even on the road -- like say, in a New York City apartment, for example! (More on that later).
Unlike lions, who are mistakenly considered a rough equivalent since they too are "big cats," tigers can stalk their prey alone for days at a time. Lions have to hunt in packs and generally try to pick on the slow and weak when possible. They are pretty good at creeping up on an antelope or water buffalo behind tall grass, but if the going gets too tough, you'll see a bunch of lazy-ass lions catching some shade under a guava tree.
Tigers will follow a human being for three days based on scent alone, wait in a tree until you have your back turned, and then jump you. In fact, natives in the tiger rich region of Sunderbans (a 4,000 square mile area between India and Bangladesh) started to wear masks on the back of their heads that look like human faces to trick the tigers.
Problem is, the tigers have now figured out the trick. So go ahead, wear a George W. Bush mask if you want, all it means is that you'll be a pile of chewed flesh with a stupid mask on (what is left of) your head.
How about water? Lions won't dip their toes in it, yet tigers love it! Many tiger-human kills come from humans in canoes. Yes, canoes! Tigers just swim out, tip you over, and start eating.
Did I mention these creatures are badasses? They are fast, sneaky, smart, can climb any tree, have incredible sense of smell, razor sharp claws, a powerful jaw with mandible teeth, swim like Mark Spitz, and according to one tiger fact Web site: "Once a tiger has acquired the taste of humans, they will in all likelihood continue to kill them."
Nice. We're not just on their food chain "menu," we are also a "Chef's Special."
Oh, did I mention that some male Bengal tigers are listed in God's media guide at "9 feet, 2 inches tall, 605 pounds?" Um, that's bigger than Shaq. And unlike the diesel, tigers still hunt with a bruised heel.
After the Sigfried and Roy tragedy, I read a lot of different opinions from tiger "experts" as to whether or not the attack was intentional, or a horrible mistake. On the one hand, the Mirage and their spin machine said was that it was a fluke occurrence, a sequence of miscues only slightly more unbelievable than the Cubs in Game 6.
Of course, they are going to say that. Otherwise, if they somehow re-open the show someday, who the hell would buy a ticket if they had said: "Hey, they are tigers, everybody! This was bound to happen eventually after 14 years of good luck. We couldn't sell this place out if Sigfried and Roy were training a bunch of house tabbys to jump around through hoops!"
Once expert, in a roundabout defense of Montecore, said that he thought the incident was not an attack. Why? Because he said tigers who want to kill, will often just grab their prey by the head with both paws and shake violently, thus snapping the victims neck.
Nice. This is supposed to make me feel better?
And you heard about the six foot, 400 pound tiger in the apartment in New York City, right? Can you imagine if that idiot who owned him, happened to leave the door open one day? A tiger loose in Gotham. Now that's a helicopter chase I really want to see on television!
S.W.A.T team members were so wary of it, they rappelled down the side of the apartment building and shot it with a tranquilizer dart through the window. Now remember, these are the same S.W.A.T. guys who regularly bust into crack houses chock full of armed drug dealers and think nothing of it.
As humans (and sports fans) we have "dumbed down" the truly awesome power and lethality of many animals through nicknames, logos and kids books. Look at Winnie the Pooh for crying out loud. Here's a bear, with a friend who is a tiger. And I've been reading all these stories that make my daughters think they are loveable little creatures that just like to eat honey and bounce around on their tail. Come on.
Even humans who should know better, don't. Take the case of the brown bear activist who was mauled to death with his girlfriend in Alaska, by (what else) bears! He spent years videotaping himself cavorting with these beasts at close range. He would lecture to kids in elementary schools about how nice and friendly these creatures were, and how we were more of a threat to them, than them to us, blah blah blah.
Um, never mind.
One really hungry bear later, and the pristine beauty of untamed wilderness looks a whole lot different all of sudden.
So even though the Cincinnati Bengals, and Chicago Bears have a combined record of 2-8 this year, I know that the real life scoreboard says: "Tigers and Bears: 3 Humans: 0."
Steve is a native Washingtonian and has worked in sports talk radio for the last 11 years. He worked at WTEM in 1993 anchoring Team Tickers before he took a full time job with national radio network One-on-One Sports.
A graduate of UC Santa Barbara, Steve has worked for WFNZ in Charlotte where his afternoon show was named "Best Radio Show." Steve continues to serve as a sports personality for WLZR in Milwaukee and does fill-in hosting for Fox Sports Radio.
