The Green Bay Packers are 1-0 after a solid road showing against the divisional rival Minnesota Vikings, featuring Aaron Rodgers looking pretty vintage, a high-scoring offense and even a safety for good measure.
So let's go ahead and rain on that parade before 2020 does its 2020 thing and ruins our joy and happiness first.
That's right: It's time for Drew Magary's annual Why Your Team Sucks column on the Packers – albeit in a brand new home.
Since last we discussed each NFL team's unique brand of turditude, Deadspin went through a pretty seismic shift as its entire editorial staff quit late last fall after their parent company decided its successful political commentary content needed to go. (A pretty hilarious mandate considering the state of sports this year in particular.) The site lay dormant for months, and while Deadspin is now somewhat resurrected, all of the popular site's key staff members and writers united together to create their own site: Defector, owned and run by them. Their motto: "All of our bullsh*t, none of theirs."
But while its home may be new, the blissful (and painfully accurate) bile spit at the Pack – and every NFL team, including Magary's own Minnesota Vikings – is all thankfully unchanged. This year's edition hits on everything you've tried to forget about the Packers, from last season's playoff drubbing from the 49ers (good news, opposing teams: with Mike Pettine's defense, you don't even need a quarterback!) to Aaron Rodgers' descent into grumpy old mandom and, yes, the Jordan Love situation. Here's a highlight, in which Magary says Rodgers "makes Michael Jordan look like a f*cking Labrador." No, it's not meant as a compliment.
"Whenever you read a quote from Aaron Rodgers, it’s important that you picture him saying all of it—every f*cking word—through clenched teeth. This is an eternally small and petty man who, in terms of good natured-ness, makes Michael Jordan look like a f*cking Labrador. Every interaction with him is an unhappy Thanksgiving dinner. The Packers revealing their operation as a sprawling, multi-front 'The Game'-style prank on Aaron Rodgers makes me like them more than I ought to.
"Your backup is Tim Boyle. I have no idea who that is. Boyle’s backup is rookie Jordan Love. Rodgers will cut his brakes four days from now. You’ll never see Jordan Love alive again."
Yes, he then proceeds to dig into the entire population of Wisconsin – and no, he does not have much flattering to say. But all is forgiven because all is painfully funny. And also because he's gifted us the incredible nickname "Merguez Sausage-Scantling." And also because the Packers just pummeled his anti-masker quarterback and the rest of his team in front of a crowd of empty seats doing their best impression of a Vikings trophy case.
Anyways, read the whole thing – complete with self-owns from Packers fans – and then be sure to read the rest of Magary's Why Your Team Sucks columns because they're all hilarious verbal napalm (especially his Vikings piece because he tends to save his most barbed attacks for his own team). And if you want to read these pieces again next year, consider becoming a subscriber to Defector as well.
As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.
When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.