One of the great things about sex is there are so many different ways to enjoy it.
Like coffee, you can mix it up with different things, share with others or have it on your own, and it comes in many sizes and flavors. OK, maybe I'm pushing it. The point is that whether you're a fan of being on top, a public-places lover or a traditional missionary type, when you get what you want, you can really get into it.
So, let's get down to it and talk rough sex.
Rough sex gets a bad rap because it can so easily be misinterpreted. Rough encompasses an entire spectrum of things that may be just outside the box. (OK, that one wasn't intentional, this is just too easy.) In all honesty, it's far more popular than you'd think, based on how we tend to talk about it at parties.
My friend Kelly, for instance, has told me that she likes getting her hair tugged and when her boyfriend pins her arms above her head during sex. OK. I can see the draw, yet it still seems pretty tame.
I've ventured to ask other friends that go as far as to say they could or do get into the whole "rape fantasy." Before we go any further with this, I'm going to take some artistic license and rename that term, because lets face it, there's nothing fantastic about rape, no matter how you spin it.
Let's drop this rather insulting term and use something like ... domination fantasy. That I can live with.
All right, domination fantasy is a little more off the cuff and probably the reason people think "rough sex" is as rough as it sounds. And it's not just the ladies that like it rough. I know plenty of guys that have confessed a love of being on one end or the other of a domination fantasy.
Yes ladies, it's true, he wants you to ravage him even if it hurts a little. It's a game of submission and domination and if you're comfortable enough with the person you're sharing a bed with, bringing up what you like shouldn't be a problem even if it comes with whips and chains.
I might not suggest it for first-date conversation, unless you met in an S&M chat room, but it certainly doesn't have to be a forbidden topic as you're getting to know someone.
Being dominated obviously gives you a sense of someone else taking control, which lets face it, can be appealing in many more areas of life than sex. The same goes for being the dominator. For women, especially, I think dominating can give a sense of empowerment. There are a lot of areas of life in which we aren't able to dominate the way we'd like or to the level we want even in the 21st century.
Strapping on a pair of leather thigh-high stilettos and making our partner submit to our every command can release built up tension and frustration in numerous areas. I'm not trying to imply that we somehow forget about the glass ceiling while we're handcuffing you to the bedpost, but it might help.
I can't get into the ball gag or cattail whips or really anything that might leave me with more than a wicked rug burn or two to have to explain the next day at work, but that's just me. Personally, I can get into the hair tugging; hold my hands down; tell me what to do kind of stuff; and I love shoes, so I'm sure a pair of dominatrix heels aren't too far off in my future, but there is definitely a comfort level associated with this topic.
If you aren't sure whether rough is a direction you want to go, try watching porn that delves into it a little. If you get squeamish just watching, then maybe it's best keep to the lighter side; perhaps a gentle spanking is in order.
If it's a clear turn-on then head to your local porn shop and check out the latest. Just as a side note, you can learn a lot about your own turn-ons by watching porn, perhaps even things you never thought you'd be into.
The point is that rough sex on any level can be a fantasy you've been dying to act out and if you trust the person you're with, you can live out your fantasy no matter how dark or kinky it may be.
The objective word in that sentence is trust; there are levels of rough sex in which you want to make sure the person you're with knows when "Stop, it hurts" really means, "No, stop, you idiot, that really hurts!"
No one is saying you have to jump directly into the deep end either. Take your time, sometimes the road to discovery is the best part.
No, the OnMilwaukee.com sex columnist's real name is not Sarah Foster. (Foster is the model/actress that played an ex-lover of Vincent Chase in the first season of "Entourage.") In reality, our sex columnist is a Wisconsin native with a degree in journalism and a knack for getting people to talk to her.
Sarah never considered herself an "above average" listener. Others, however, seem to think differently. Perhaps she has a sympathetic tone or expression that compels people to share their lives and secrets with her despite how little they know her. Everyone from the girl that does her hair to people in line at the grocery store routinely spill the details of their lives and relationships to Sarah, unprompted but typically not unwanted. It’s strange to her that people would do this, but she doesn’t mind. Sarah likes that she can give advice even if it is to complete strangers.
So why the pseudonym? Simple. People tell Sarah these things because for some reason they trust her. They believe she cares and therefore will keep their secrets in a locked vault the same way a best friend or therapist would. Sarah won't name names, but that vault is now unlocked.
