My elementary school teacher once said, "you learn something new everyday."
On that day, I learned to hate school teachers who try to sell you cheerful little life advice.
But she was right. Witness last Sunday night. While watching "Taxi Cab Confessions 2001" on the greatest television channel man has ever conceived (HBO), I learned something new.
The term: "Size Queen."
What is a size queen? Well, according to this young lady in the taxicab, it was a woman, who all she wanted was men who had very… (BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!)
(Sorry, my invisible Microsoft Word censors cut off that last sentence in order to keep this a remotely PG-13 column. Let me continue.)
Anyhow, as I was saying. A "Size Queen" was a woman obsessed with nothing but size. Baldness, flabbiness, skanky-ness, homeless-ness, it didn't matter. Size, baybee. The ultimate yardstick.
The notion of being a "Size Queen" struck me as rather odd. Wouldn't a sane woman look at the whole package? Wouldn't you sacrifice some size for a guy who doesn't look quite like an extra from the bar scene in Star Wars? Is there not a point when a woman says, "ok, that's enough size for me, now let's look at the intangibles?"
I guess with "Size Queens" the answer is no. The things you learn on HBO.
It then struck me that you don't have to be a little minx in the back of a taxicab to be a "Size Queen." In fact, I know 29 of them right now. They are NBA GMs, and they want to make a 7 feet 6 inch 20 year old from China the number one pick in this year's draft.
His name is Yao Ming, and as Kenny Mayne would say on ESPN: "He's taaaall." He plays in China for a state run team, in a state run league, on state run TV. (Hey they're communists, it's all about the state!) Being much taller than the guys he plays against, it's only natural that he scores a lot of points. He grabs a lot of rebounds. He blocks many hapless shots.
And to the NBA Size Queens, they gotta have him! Why? Because he's 7-6!! The most asinine phrase in all of sports has to be "you can't coach height." What else can't you coach? Can you coach a guy to have the cockiness of say Kevin Garnett? Can you coach a guy to have the toughness of Alonzo Mourning? Can you coach a guy to have the quickness of Shaquille O'Neal? The instincts of Tim Duncan?
Yeah, sure. You can teach jump shots and bounce passes and all the stuff from the John Wooden Basketball 101 video library. But it always comes back to one simple thing. If you got game, you got game. If you don't, you don't. Period.
Look at the wreckage of failed "projects" who were once fawned over because of their size. Are basketball people still scratching their heads over why Shawn Bradley didn't blossom into Patrick Ewing? Does anybody have Manute Bol's number? And if Gheorghe Muresan just didn't have that damn pituitary thing!
It should be quite evident at this point, that there is a law of diminishing returns when it comes to the effective size of basketball playing big men at the NBA level. For lack of a better cut off point, let's set the bar at 7 foot 3 inches tall.
Czaban hypothesis: once you get over 7-3, you start becoming more of a "lurch" and less of a skilled "big man." The further over 7-3 you are, the more "lurch-like" you are apt to be. It's just genetics and common sense. Anybody that tall is going to be skinny. Anybody that tall is going to run like a gigantic mechanical man, not a gazelle. Anybody that tall is going to battle coordination problems due to the sheer dimensions of their frame.
Let's look at the 7-3 and over crowd in NBA history. Manute (7-6), Gheorghe (7-7), Bradley (7-6), Chuck Nevitt (7-5), Mark Eaton (7-4), Ralph Sampson (7-4), Rick Burleson (7-4), Rick Smits (7-4) and Dikembe Mutumbo (7-4). Aside from Mutombo and Sampson, this group is a freak show. Even Sampson, while good, didn't "dominate" the way Hakeem did with the Rockets. Even though Sampson was strong, and lifted weights, he never "bulked up" the way people had hoped.
Sampson's best year, 1983-84, he averaged 22.1 ppg. That was good for 18th in scoring that season, behind guys like Orlando Woolridge and Kiki Vandeweghe. He wasn't in the top 10 in rebounding or blocked shots. Now I know, Ralph fancied himself as a point guard, and it was Hakeem who was patrolling the paint. But Ralph couldn't have been Hakeem if he tried.
The Dream had all the things Ralph didn't. Quickness, instincts, soft hands and a rugged frame. These are all things that make a great basketball player. Oh, did I mention Hakeem is no more than 6-11? Not having Ralph's extra five inches didn't seem to matter.
In fact, let's look at the 7-3 and under crowd of big men. Kareem (7-2), Arvydas Sabonis (7-3), Shaquille O'Neal (7-1), David Robinson (7-1), Tim Duncan (6-11), Patrick Ewing (7-0), Alonzo Mourning (6-9). Kevin Garnett (6-11). None these guys have seemed to have trouble with being "just 7 footers."
Back to our friend, the young Mr. Ming. In this week's edition of "Real Sports" on HBO (why I bother with any other channel is still a mystery) Leslie Visser featured Yao with an in depth piece from his hometown of Shanghai. Here is what we learned: Yao's parents were both very tall, Yao gets paid just $60,000 per year, he likes to eat snakes, turtles and frogs, and he doesn't like to dunk during games or lift weights.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up.
Doesn't like to dunk? Not interested in weight training?
Every warning light, siren and red flag should be going off in the face of our NBA "Size Queens" currently salivating over Yao Ming right now. I mean, the frogs can be imported, the money won't be an issue, and he can fly charter. But how you gonna convince him to start hitting the weights so Shaq doesn't snap him in two? How can you coach a guy throw down in Kevin Garnett's face?
But, "you can't coach size" the NBA "Size Queens" will say. And surely, somebody is gonna grab Yao Ming early, and hope they can coach him into being nasty like ‘Zo. Perhaps he can steal a move from Duncan, and maybe eat his way into a higher weight class. Good luck.
Being a "Size Queen" in the NBA often means hating yourself in the morning. It means reaching to draft a center, when you know that better players are being left on the board. It means waking up one to find that you picked Michael Olowakandi first overall. Or Tod Fuller ahead of Kobe Bryant in 1996. Or Bryant Reeves and Cherokee Parks ahead of Michael Finley in 1995. Sharone Wright was the wrong answer as the 6th overall in 1994. Adam Keefe went 14 spots ahead of Latrell Sprewell. Will Purdue and Luc Longley were lottery picks. Ugh.
Refresh my memory. Didn't the Hawks and Sixers make a trade this year? If I recall, the first place team with the 6-1 league MVP, acquired the 7-4 center from the last place team to be a final piece of the puzzle, not the franchise. If size mattered as much as some people think, Allen Iverson would be playing in Atlanta right now for Eastern Conference leading Hawks.
All I know, is that when somebody does figure out how to "coach size," the Yao Ming's of the world are going to be in big trouble.
Steve is a native Washingtonian and has worked in sports talk radio for the last 11 years. He worked at WTEM in 1993 anchoring Team Tickers before he took a full time job with national radio network One-on-One Sports.
A graduate of UC Santa Barbara, Steve has worked for WFNZ in Charlotte where his afternoon show was named "Best Radio Show." Steve continues to serve as a sports personality for WLZR in Milwaukee and does fill-in hosting for Fox Sports Radio.
