So, we can all stop holding our breath and wave goodbye to the Bears heading to hibernation with their tails between their legs.
It's on to Dallas and I'd guess that a lot of people who read this column are going.
I've been to six Super Bowls, not much compared to those Visa commercial guys who have been to every one. But six has given me a taste of what Super Bowl week is like.
As a public service to those who are going to Dallas, I've prepared a guide to help you navigate Super Bowl week. (Ed. Note: Not all of these guiding principles are the result of personal experience.)
- Bring lots of money -- Nobody hands out tickets to underprivileged kids to go to the Super Bowl. The NFL controls the whole thing with a tight hand and it's a huge fund raiser for Roger Goodell and associates. Think $25 for a hot dog from a street vendor and $50 for a pot of room service coffee in your hotel.
- You are not irresistible -- If you are a single guy and you meet a hot lady in a bar and she offers to accompany you back to your hotel for an hour or so, do not think it's your charm, your clothes or your hair. It's your wallet. I was on a plane to Miami for a Super Bowl and the hottie next to me was reading the book, "The Happy Hooker" by Xaviera Hollander. I asked why and the hottie looked at me and said it was "kinda like cramming for a final exam."
- Forget autographs -- If you think you can get your favorite player (or any of the 500 B and C List Celebrities who show up) to sign something, forget it. There is not a chance in hell that you will even get within hailing distance of anybody. The Super Bowl is a part-time gig for the off-duty Secret Service presidential detail and they keep the unwashed away from anybody who is anybody.
- What game? -- Believe it or not, there will actually be a football game in Dallas the day of the Super Bowl. It is very easy to forget that fact because the week leading up to the big game is so full of parties, alcohol, shopping, alcohol, dancing, alcohol and remembering where your rental car is parked that football is the last thing on your mind. So if you are actually planning to go to the game,stop drinking on Friday morning.
- Put 'em up -- I have never seen so many fights as I saw during a Super Bowl in Miami. It was Pittsburgh against Dallas and the management at the hotel where I was staying asked the Dade County Sheriff for extra deputies 24-hours a day to prevent battles between the fans of the two teams. I saw one drag down with six women and one man. Pittsburgh fans are nuts. And everyone knows about Packer fans. So, if you are going to wear a jersey, hat or cheesehead (God forbid) bring along your brass knuckles.
- No tickee no washee -- If you don't have a ticket for the game, forget getting a ticket for the game. You can buy a counterfeit ticket for about $500. But as far as getting the real thing, it's not possible. Once again, the league of maximum control doles out tickets to people who contribute to the big bottom line of the league. That does not include you and me.
- Look out for has beens -- Never let a washed up football player you just met who is so drunk he can hardly stand ask to stay in your room for just one night and then he stays until after you've checked out and runs up a four-figure room service tab on your bill. (Do You Hear Me Billy Kilmer?)
- Watch that tour -- If you decide, for some crazy reason, to tour Dallas, please know it has more gated communities than any city in the United States. They have armed guards. They shoot to kill. Be warned.
- You be in Texas -- Never forget you are Texas where the state motto is: It Ain't the Heat. It's the Stupidity.
- How drunk can you get -- In case I haven't mentioned it, alcohol plays a bigger part in Super Bowl week than pigskin, artificial turf or Jerry Jones' ego. So it's critical that you be able to recognize the famous 10 stages of drunkenness.
- Stage 1 -- No Name associated
- Stage 2 -- Witty Charming Part I
- Stage 3 -- Patriotic
- Stage 4 -- Witty and Charming Part II
- Stage 5 -- The hell with dinner!
- Stage 6 -- "Crank Up the Enola Gay!"
- Stage 7 -- Rich and Powerful
- Stage 8 -- Introspective
- Stage 9 -- Invisible
- Stage 10 -- Bulletproof
That's it. My semi-official guide to Super Bowl XVIXMCVXIIIWVLCTUV or
whatever. Have fun.
With a history in Milwaukee stretching back decades, Dave tries to bring a unique perspective to his writing, whether it's sports, politics, theater or any other issue.
He's seen Milwaukee grow, suffer pangs of growth, strive for success and has been involved in many efforts to both shape and re-shape the city. He's a happy man, now that he's quit playing golf, and enjoys music, his children and grandchildren and the myriad of sports in this state. He loves great food and hates bullies and people who think they are smarter than everyone else.
This whole Internet thing continues to baffle him, but he's willing to play the game as long as OnMilwaukee.com keeps lending him a helping hand. He is constantly amazed that just a few dedicated people can provide so much news and information to a hungry public.
Despite some opinions to the contrary, Dave likes most stuff. But he is a skeptic who constantly wonders about the world around him. So many questions, so few answers.
