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Everybody knows World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) is fake and the matches are scripted.
What many people don’t know is that there are radio broadcasts of each match, and those are also scripted and taped in advance of the match. They are read into a recording device (using a cassette recorder) and then the recording is played back while the match goes on.
I've obtained what I believe to be a leaked script of a match that is going to be staged on Memorial Day 1 in Taipei. Here is that script:
ANNOUNCER: Ladeeeez and gentlemen! Tonight's tag team match will crown the North American and Asian tag team champion. LEEETT'S GET READY TO RUMMMMMMMMBLE!
In this corner ... let’s hear it for ... Ebony and Ivory! Wearing the big black hat and the badge that pierces the skin of his chest ... Milwaukee County Sheriff David A. Clarke! And wearing the orange hat and the bulging billfold attached by a red tie – made in China – around his neck ... the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump.
Their opponents tonight the are the tag team of Dan Black, the guy who the sheriff almost had arrested after an airplane flight, and Elizabeth Warren, the uber-liberal senator from the uber-liberal state of Massatooosh*ts. Let’s get a comment from each of our stars before the bell rings.
CLARKE: When I hear people say we need to reach across the aisle and work with people, with the Democrats, you know what I say? The only reason I'll be reaching across the aisle is to grab one of them by the throat. And to remind them that the American people, you, have spoken, and you said you wanted Donald Trump to be the next president of the United States.
TRUMP: Let me tell the lying sportswriters covering this match that me and the sheriff are going to win. No matter what the umpire says, we are winners. The polls say we are winners. If you want to write that we lose, go ahead. But we are winning. And that’s a fact. An alternative fact, which is the best kind of fact, better even than a true fact.
WARREN: Who are these guys?
BLACK: Seriously, who are these guys?
(Bell rings)
ANNOUNCER: Black comes out of his corner and HERE COMES CLARKE! He’s got his cowboy hat on backwards and his hands curled into claws. Black ducks, and Clarke puffs out his chest, urging the crowd to scream. Black jumps on Trump with his arms around his neck and his legs around his waist. Clarke starts walking toward his corner. His hat has fallen off. He reaches out with his trigger finger and tags Trump. Here comes Trump. He is walking slowly toward Black, holding his billfold. He sits down in the middle of the ring and starts building a wall of $100 bills. He turns and shouts.
TRUMP: This wall of bills is going to be YOUUUUUGE. Don’t cross this wall!
ANNOUNCER: Black turns and taps in Warren, who daintily steps over the rope into the ring. She points her finger at Trump. Trump shakes his hair in front of her face and knocks her glasses off.
Trump charges Warren and pulls out a hidden golf club. He swings at her. He misses! He holds up a sign that he pulled out of his shorts. It says "Mulligan." And now ... look out ... the crowd is getting angry. Five women are leaning against the ring, spitting at Trump.
CLARKE: Them girls are part of the group of chicks who staged that riot last week. Snowflakes and Jigaboos. Let’s arrest them. Call the sheriff!
TRUMP: You are the sheriff!
CLARK: ME? Are you sure?
ANNOUNCER: Trump and Clarke are looking at each other. Clarke points his finger at Warren and pretends to pull a trigger.
CLARKE: BANG, BANG!
TRUMP: Great shot! She’s wounded. I know there’s no blood, but believe me, she’s wounded. It’s an alternative fact.
BLACK: Who are these guys?
WARREN: Seriously, who are these guys?
ANNOUNCER: Uh, oh. The five women spitting have been knocked out by a mob of a dozen … no about 20 … crazed middle-aged white men. Wearing baseball caps. Toothpicks coming out of their mouths. Drooling on their flannel shirts. Oh, no. They’re climbing into the ring and heading toward Warren and Black, who are ducking down behind the turnbuckle in the corner.
That’s it! That’s it! The fight has been stopped by the referee, and he’s holding up the hands of Ebony and Ivory. They’re the winners. The clear winners.
WARREN: Who are these guys?
BLACK: Who are these guys?
TRUMP: Clarke! You’re fired!
CLARKE: Donnie, you’re under arrest!
WARREN AND BLACK: Who are these guys?
With a history in Milwaukee stretching back decades, Dave tries to bring a unique perspective to his writing, whether it's sports, politics, theater or any other issue.
He's seen Milwaukee grow, suffer pangs of growth, strive for success and has been involved in many efforts to both shape and re-shape the city. He's a happy man, now that he's quit playing golf, and enjoys music, his children and grandchildren and the myriad of sports in this state. He loves great food and hates bullies and people who think they are smarter than everyone else.
This whole Internet thing continues to baffle him, but he's willing to play the game as long as OnMilwaukee.com keeps lending him a helping hand. He is constantly amazed that just a few dedicated people can provide so much news and information to a hungry public.
Despite some opinions to the contrary, Dave likes most stuff. But he is a skeptic who constantly wonders about the world around him. So many questions, so few answers.
