Question: Is this season just a parody of "The Bachelor" and no one's telling me? Because if so, not cool prank, guys.

So far, this season – my maiden voyage into the grossly sloshing jacuzzi seas of ABC's hit dating show – feels like the darkest timeline of what I expected. It's even more sleazy than I expected (almost entirely because of Corinne). It's even more shallow than I expected (also Corinne's doing). It's a whole other level of shrill (yep, Corinne) and melodramatic (Corinne again) and shriekingly overly competitive for a perfectly groomed but also perfectly generic dude who's objectively bad at finding love on television that you met, like, maybe a fortnight ago (do I even have to say whose fault this is?). 

I don't want to say Corinne is everything wrong with "The Bachelor" ... but Corinne is everything wrong with "The Bachelor." But also everything right. I know; I'm confused too.

Trust me, I didn't like our rerun of The Corinne Aggressively Sexy Fun Time Hour either, in which, before the rose ceremony – while everyone else is learning more about Nick post-Liz controversy and getting seemingly emotionally closer – she busted out the Definitely Not Readi Whip and her finest Inspector Gadget coat for a little lick-happy dessert. At least this week, we got in Nick's head a little bit more about what he likes about Corinne, rather than simply seeing him go gaga over a woman quite possibly losing her mind for him. But still, it's shallow behavior and hurtful to the others who are, like, right there.

Their dessert was interrupted, however, leading a solid hour of whining – and a startling amount of snoozing – from Corinne. She whined about being a bad dancer when the Backstreet Boys brought them in for their group date. She whined about other women being around Nick, as if she'd never seen an episode of "The Bachelor" before. She whined to the other women about not having her nanny around to cut her zucchini into triangles for her and make her cheese pasta? Also: What is cheese pasta? Do you mean mac and cheese? Cheese-filled tortellini? Why do you sound like a 7-year-old ordering at The Olive Garden – complete with post-meal nap time? Seriously, are you narcoleptic?

This is all very irritating behavior to have to sit and watch while Nick dopily submits and the rest of the women scowl – and that's all before we get to the cocktail party-turned-pool party, where Corinne dragged in a bouncy house for a Nick make-out session. She's shallow and selfish and uncomfortably aggressive and rude and obliviously privileged – something the other girls bring up near the end of the episode – and catty and seemingly mentally unstable ...

And also exactly what "The Bachelor" demands. 

Corinne's performance living down to what you'd expect from a 24-year-old with a nanny made the first halves of both the last two episodes admittedly a struggle to watch – but they're also the first thing I'm talking about in this article, the reason for the headline and the only otherwise meaty drama and comedy to be found on the show.

Her overt villainy allows for an ideal strike strip for everyone else's matches to ignite from, creating fun tension, while also making all of the other, more viable candidates seem better and more enjoyable to root for. Would Danielle M. or Vanessa have seemed so real, down to earth and fun without an hour of Corinne pouting about bad dancing? Possibly ... but for a show as heightened as "The Bachelor," it can't hurt to nudge the audience. She is the Duke of this season, the reason you watch in the hopes of watching it fail spectacularly.

Plus, she definitely knows what she's doing – not romantically, per se, but dramatically. Her snoring through the rose ceremony was baffling comedy gold, and her later sleeping smug smiles were almost created in a lab to be obnoxious. Her random complaining about missing her nanny – and then laughably oblivious confessional interview – shows that she's here to either get a husband or, more likely, troll her way into "The Bachelor" hall of fame ... of shame. 

And that's fine. A show needs characters, and Corinne gives viewers one, while also giving other contestants a chance to be a character sparking off her crazy. Example: The only reason I know Taylor is because she was the one who interrupted Corinne last week. 

After enduring last night's episode, I then watched "The Dark Knight" on AMC – medically, I have to watch an Oscar-winning movie after "The Bachelor," or I start getting nauseous and my eyes start bleeding – and I realized Corinne is the Joker, the agent of chaos that's as darkly funny as she is harmful to everyone's health.

Yes, "The Bachelor" could rely on things like actual human connection and the natural awkwardness and sweetness of human courtship and quietly modest emotional tensions for entertainment. But that's not how it's survived for more than 20 seasons. This is a dim show about dim people trying to find dim connections under the dimmed lights of Hollywood – all played to the dimmest parts of our brains (see how obviously it foreshadows things).

And that's fine – and so is Corinne maybe being the villain we don't need, but the villain we deserve.

Oh yeah ... there's also the rest of the show. 

Vanessa was selected for the week's solo date, a trip on a Zero G flight that was the season's first actually nice date (surely better than last week's Museum of The Worst Relationships, or whatever that was). Vanessa and Nick had fun chemistry, and when she started getting the hurls (they don't call it the Vomit Comet for nothing), their moment somehow only got sweeter. It was a real date – awkwardness and all – and they seemed human, which only continued on the dinner part of the date when Vanessa asked real questions rather than just vomiting (sorry, too soon) flattery at Nick that the show portrays as "connecting."

So the first real moment of grounded romance and human connection came from defying gravity and launching high into the clouds.

The final group date took some ladies out to the track and field course, where they played dopey games under the surely bemused watch of three former Olympians. The final contest involved a dash for a ring – and then a dip in the hot tub with Nick (who the show tried to make sexy, but instead looked kinda sad, all puppy-faced and shirtless alone in the jacuzzi). Marquette Law School grad Rachel won the race ... but missed the ring, which the otherwise slow – thanks to her unhelpful sports bra – Astrid snagged for the soaking wet win. You know what they say: Slow, steady and under-supported wins the race. 

We ended the episode with the cocktail party that flipped unexpectedly – but actually very expectedly – to a pool party (who would've guessed a stand-up dude like Nick would ditch the dressed-up civility of a cocktail party for the mostly undressed bacchanal of a pool party), which instead became a bouncy-house party. Normally, I'd be all for a bouncy house, but this one involved Nick and Corinne all on top of one another in front of the rest of the women – which, again, is a worse look for Nick than Corinne. 

The girls are starting to rebel, complaining to Nick about Corinne's approach, her nanny and his handling of the situation. Raven's approach ("I think you're making a mistake") was probably a bit brusque – maybe that'll haunt her at the next rose ceremony – but Vanessa hit the exact right notes and questions, dropping an absolutely brutal drone strike of truth bombs. What will the damage look like? We'll see next week ... 

Gone

Elizabeth, Lacey, Hailey and Dominique. I called Lacey's departure last week; she apparently has some fun offscreen romantic drama, too. Didn't call Elizabeth's, mostly because I had no idea who she was on the show. Same with Dominique, whose only meaningful screen time was this week ... complaining about her lack of meaningful screen time. She left shortly after, so more like DONEminique, amirite?

The only real surprise came with the departure of Hailey, who seemed like she'd have a long life expectancy. Nick must not have dug her rose ceremony attire, which couldn't seem to decide if it was lingerie, a dress, a night gown or a robe, so it went with all four. You know what they say: One day, you're in; the next day, you're out (I might be getting my reality shows mixed).

Contenders

1. Vanessa

As mentioned, Vanessa had a great night; the solo date was shockingly genuine and cute, and she asked Nick solid questions during dinner. As overused as the word is on this show, there seemed to be a connection. It's obvious her biggest speed bump to Nick's heart, however, will be Nick himself. As one of the oldest contestants at 29 (this goddamn show), she seems ready to genuinely meet her future and not put up with a guy happily flinging himself into every woman's wild bouncy castle (somehow, that's not a euphemism). And good for her. She's the best candidate for Nick, but with all the mishandled Corinne drama, I'm not convinced Nick is the best candidate for her. 

2. The Danielles  

Danielle M. had very little screen time this week, but the high of last week's solo date hasn't gone anywhere. Danielle L., however, did impressive work this week, going from a complete nobody on the show to really stepping up (2 the Streets) during the Backstreet Boys challenge and winning an awkward slow dance in front of everybody. Still, she went from non-factor to contender in record time. Also, she pissed off Corinne, and that's just the finest entertainment.

3. Rachel 

Near the middle of this episode, I was getting concerned for the former Golden Eagle. After scoring the First Impression Rose in week one, she disappeared most of the last episode and continued that ghost act well into last night. However, when the group date came around, she shined in several of the goofy sports tests and, more importantly, got some impressive random cuddle-hug time with Nick in between activities. She may have (technically) lost the sprint last night, but she's still in the key race. 

Pretenders

1. Jacqueline 

The two loopy contestants – Jacqueline and Alexis – are still in the contest, which is about two more episodes than I expected. But I don't see either lasting long, especially Jacqueline, whose only moment came during the credits and had her brutal singing mocked by apparently the entire animal kingdom. So the editors clearly aren't fans – and since they truly make or break the decisions here, well ...

2. Jaimi

Jaimi's only notable moment on the show so far was in the premiere, making a poor balls joke before pulling her nose ring out of her schnoz in a way that looked too much like picking one's nose. She's basically been a ghost since then, until this episode when, while everyone else seemed to be making further connections with Nick, she awkwardly apologized for coming up "lesbian-y" that first night. And this is all we've really seen of her.

3. Alexis 

Every episode we get with Alexis is a gift. Her random spot of cattiness during the rose ceremony was an oasis of fun in a desert of Corinne drama, and during the pool party, she was also dropping lighthearted, annoyed commentary. I would like this show a lot more if there was an Alexis commentary track I could play during each two-hour marathon. I would also like this show a lot more if there was a chance of Alexis making it anywhere close to the finale, but I still just don't see that happening. Too peculiar, too weird, too funny. 

Oh hi, Wisconsin!

No actual Wisconsin references this episode, but there was an entire date dedicated to track and field, Nick's local claim to fame at Waukesha North High School and UWM. So that's like a Russian doll Wisconsin reference.

Anyways, next week is apparently all Wisconsin, all the time, so cool.

Fantasy update

I'm currently in 66,094th place. 

How are the Backstreet Boys doing?

According to every female watching "The Bachelor" on my Twitter feed ... well. Very well. And fair enough. I'm more of a BBMak man, myself, but other than the brief, pitchy acappella number they busted out – they're the Backstreet Boys; we didn't come here for tonality – I have no idea why any of the ladies cared about Nick over them. 

Line of the night

Between Corinne talking about making herself great again and preaching the greatness of Raquel's cheese paste, you'd think America's Best Worst Person would score in this category. But Alexis' quiet "Move, b*tches," as she moved to accept her rose was such an unexpected, bafflingly catty moment that I couldn't stop laughing. Probably laughed too much really; this show's doing terrible things to my mental health.

Mom-mentary 

I'm becoming concerned that watching this season is going to kill my mom. My mom is a casual fan – and the heavily milked Corinne drama is just not the stuff she's interested in. During her Readi Whip escapades and ensuing sleepy pout, my mom sighed, "I don't know how much more of this I can handle." Then when Corinne pulled out the bouncy house, and my mom cried out that she needed more to drink. If this continues, I'll have to find a new watching partner (I'm not guessing; that's a quote from my exasperated mother). 

Also, before the episode started, she noted she already knew what was generally going to happen thanks to the internet and grocery store magazines. What is this nonsense? Who are these people who start the profound literature that is "The Bachelor" by reading the ending? You are no fun. You know who probably pre-reads "Bachelor" results? Corinne.