There was a lot of bullcrap on last night's episode of "The Bachelor" – and some of it was even from the cattle!
Indeed, despite a segment of last night's Sconnie-centric show literally dedicated to shoveling sh*t, the leading "poopy" peddler was once again America's favorite, Corinne, who received the final rose at the rose ceremony at the front of the episode – despite the protestations of all the girls in the house, most of America and probably even Corinne's nanny (though she's probably enjoying the free time right now).
Yes, Nick listened to the girls – namely Vanessa, who asked him some truth-bomb questions about why he was there and what he saw in her – and, like the thoughtful, caring and considerable guy he is, utterly ignored them and tossed a rose Corinne's way. 'Twas a bummer for everyone, except ABC's ratings.
At least we got to hear a lot of people very seriously and sternly say "bouncy house." That was fun.
Given new life for another episode, Corinne delved deeper into villain mode. Last week, I supposed that Corinne knows exactly what she's doing on an entertainment level – and this week just furthered that notion. Anyone who goes "You call this immature?" while juggling her boobs knows what her role is on this show, and she went full-tilt Monday night, trolling the girls' conversations with overtly fake speeches, developing some sort of crippling hand ailment during the farm-themed group date and then getting into a "to-be-continued" verbal tiff with Taylor at the end of the episode. Also: She compared herself to Abraham Lincoln and Michael Jordan using the transitive property of naps. So yeah, as I said in the last recap, she was exactly the villain the show demands.
And if we're being real, her debate with Taylor wasn't a completely one-sided affair. It'd be nice if somebody snapped Corinne into reality, but Taylor's approach was weirdly condescending and circled around the wrong issues. Despite having the world on her side, Taylor only wound up with maybe a tie in that fight (we'll see if actual fisticuffs break out next week).
The point still stands that Corinne is a nightmare person – but she's also entertainment, no matter how Duke-level annoying she is to watch. The greater issue for "The Bachelor" is that this all reflects poorly on Nick, the technical focal point of the show. We still haven't gotten any closer to knowing what he sees in Corinne other than sex appeal, growing no connection greater than a shared love for bouncy house hi-jinks. So he comes off bad, as a shallow and insincere guy squandering the affections of the much smarter, much kinder and much more appropriate women surrounding him.
Corinne will be fine when she eventually leaves the show; her job description on the screen as well read "Future Bachelor in Paradise Contestant" at this point. But Nick's getting damaged as a central character this season – and if next week Corinne gets a rose after their only meaningful date time included her not participating in the farm activities (despite Nick saying he wanted to see the girls dive in and have fun), it'll only get worse.
But obviously she's getting a rose. After all, we haven't heard her describe her vagina using a precious-metals rating scale yet.
As for the non-Corinne-related activities this week, everyone was shipped up to Wisconsin (woo!) for the week's dates, which kicked off with meeting the parents – who seem real done with this ish – and selecting Danielle L. for a solo date through downtown Waukesha.
The two decorated cookies with the help of the least enthusiastic baker in town, ran into Nick's ex-girlfriend in a way that was TOTALLY natural and COMPLETELY authentic and DEFINITELY not staged weeks in advance. Then it was off to make out in front of a gorgeous view of a rainy intramural soccer practice. Swoon. The date wrapped up with, as even I expected, apps at The Iron Horse Hotel and a country concert at The Pabst. It looked like a fun night for everyone – except Danielle's dress, which was having a hard night of work keeping things in place (and, according to friends at the show, failed more often than not).
Wardrobe malfunctions aside, Danielle L. has turned into quite the contender these past few weeks, scoring the Backstreet Boys win last week and on now this episode. And while her "I don't want to rush into marriage; I just want to find love on national television competing against 30 other women" heart-to-heart with Nick clanged a little insincere, she seems like a fun, sweet and overall real pick. She asked fine questions with Nick's ex, and the two had decent banter – less of the "You're so handsome; you're so beautiful" so-called "connections" of past dates, and more real conversation.
As one who writes about this show professionally, I'm sure having two Danielles as frontrunners won't get confusing or irritating at all.
And speaking of the other Danielle, she was sentenced to the group date, which sent the girls out to a dairy farm to milk cows and scoop poop (or, in Corinne's case, pout and apparently get frostbite). Whitney, who is, in fact, still there, got some quick-casual hug time with Nick, while Jaimi had her first standout moment since awkwardly pulling her nose ring out on opening night by successfully milking a cow. We'll see how much that helps her at the next rose ceremony; save for the awkward phallic/teat imagery (you confuse me, "The Bachelor"), I'm not sure how much it actually pushed her up Nick's list.
Anyways, Kristina got the group date rose – and my rose for the night with her slouched, "I had to talk with Corinne and now I hate my life" face instantly popping into a surprised smile. As far as Contestants Dueling With Corinne Last Night With Little Chance Of Winning Overall go, it was Kristina >>> Taylor.
The final solo date of the evening went to Raven, who was treated to ... Nick's sister's soccer game. Again, not exactly an alluring date option; it's not easy to be fun and flirty while the little sister is taking kicks to the shin, and you just know some parent at the game was one of those over-competitive types yelling for his kid to score a goal every second and making everyone else uncomfortable. Hopefully she got a Capri Sun and a Chewy bar at the end of it all. She did earn the privilege of being the first contestant to meet the family, which is probably a good omen.
Things improved on the romantic side of things as the date went on, heading to Skateland for some roller-related fun – or at least Nick was having fun; Raven was catching up with Nick's sister, while Nick was impressing perhaps only the pizza-stand worker – and then grabbing dinner at the Milwaukee Art Museum. They talked about that time Raven caught her then-boyfriend boinking another woman and whacked her with a shoe; it was maybe charming and definitely awkward. Still, authentic awkward conversation is better than goopy glowing banter. Then it was back to rollerskating through the museum's halls, impressively not breaking anything in the process. Much obliged.
We all gathered back together just in time for Corinne v Taylor: round two, which will wrap up next week. Someone's certainly gonna get hit; unfortunately, I don't think it's going to be Nick. Bullcrap, indeed.
Brittany and Christen. In case you need a refresher, Brittany had the Adam & Eve costume at the wedding photoshoot date, while Christen was the one who heard Liz's not-exciting "exciting" one-night-stand drama. Neither made much of an impact on the show, but both are better people than Corinne, so that's a win for them in the end, even if not on the show.
1. Danielle L.
Two weeks. Two makeout sessions at concerts. Two promising interactions. I doubt she wins – Vanessa and Danielle M. are still my favorites to go all the way – but she's increasingly locking up a spot in the final four.
The date didn't exactly spark, but as previously noted, being the first one to meet the parents – plus quality chatting time with the adorable youth of the family – has to be a good sign. Maybe? "Bachelor" experts, help me out. Or don't. I've already moved on.
3. Danielle M.
She's been mostly a bystander since that first solo date, but she seems too strong a candidate to see her going away soon. Next week will be her reckoning, I'm guessing – in between mopping up the bloody remains of the great Corinne-Taylor War, of course.
I forgot that she's still on the show. And her only success so far was Rachel dropping a ring and a glossed-over quick makeout session in a high school track and field stadium.
Save for a brief hug during the group date (that almost certainly smelled of turds), I also forgot that she's still on the show.
It's a shame I have to sit through two hours of "The Bachelor" every Monday night to get to Alexis being bafflingly wacky and on a completely different wavelength than every other person in the house – and probably in this state. It's also a shame that, at some point, she will leave this show. It's happening; I know it hasn't yet, but if I keep predicting it, it's bound to happen.
Oh hi, Wisconsin!
So. Much. Wisconsin. After weeks of ignoring his home state, last night's episode was a big ol' Sconnie party (much to Corinne's chagrin, which YOU CAN LEAVE ANYTIME YOU WANT, DEAR). Waukesha got most of the attention, thanks to Danielle's solo date walking around town (oh hey, Chef Jack's! And Skateland!), but Milwaukee got some obvious time in the spotlight, as well, with The Iron Horse Hotel, The Pabst Theater and MAM all looking good in primetime (and hopefully getting a nice hosing down afterward). It'd be nice if everything wasn't so, I don't know, basic-tourist Sconnie, but no one wore a cheesehead, so overall, a win.
In barely related news, "Beware the Slenderman" premiered last night on HBO right after "The Bachelor." Big night for Waukesha!
At some point, rolling my eyes through Corinne's 47th annoying rant to the camera (so about 13 minutes in) I realized, "Oh damn, I forgot to make my fantasy league picks." I assured the league commissioner, however, that I totally would've guessed all the right answers, so I think this week should be a positive one and move me up into 1,372,997th place.
Line of the night
Corinne was, as usual, a fountain of brain-punching quotes, from desperately craving sushi to saying she wasn't privileged in any way, shape or form. There was also some corn metaphor. Oh, and proving one's maturity by juggling boobs. But that one seems too obvious, so we're going with the part where she said she's on par with Abraham Lincoln and Michael Jordan because of naps. That's an impressive commitment to crazy that even Alexis can appreciate.
After surviving last week's Corinne barrage, my mom seemed much more content watching the latest episode. She spent most of the time distracted by Facebook games and drinking wine, however, so this might not reflect anything on the quality of the episode. She did predict Corinne to be a guaranteed "Bachelor in Paradise" cast member – which also guarantees she will not be watching. "I wonder how her parents feel about this," my mother mused. Probably the same way they do about having a grown daughter with a nanny: shameless.
As one who actually grew up on a farm, my mom had fun watching the farm date, dishing out some advice to the TV and noting that milking a cow is actually much harder and complicated than it seems. She also liked that the conversations seemed much closer this episode – but it might've only seemed that way because she was busy popping bubbles or something on a Facebook game.
I think this also makes me the Mueller family's primary fan of "The Bachelor," which is unacceptable. I should be shoved off on an ice floe to die.
As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.
When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.