A good mantra to live by when watching "The Bachelor": The more excited the show is about something, the less excited you should be.

Typically when the show gets into hype mode, the end result tends to underwhelm; they sell meaty drama and then deliver a bore fest, undercooked beef or a drama settled within ten seconds. So I was very much waiting for Colton's much anticipated fence jump to be a disappointment. The day would finally come and it would be revealed that he jumped the fence because, I don't know, his hat blew over the fence or he decided to get some weird cardio in or he'd immediately land on the other side, realize he left his wallet in his room and then awkwardly return as if nothing happened. 

And I was completely and totally wrong. The fence jump, and the two hours leading up to it, was totally worth the wait and the ludicrous hype. OH HARRISON, YOU CHEEKY BASTARD, YA DONE IT AGAIN!

Anyways, let's cover everything else that happened before Colton performed his Edgar Wright Cornetto Trilogy homage – because there was a lot. One thing missing? A shower. Indeed, there was no Colton shower this week, which only makes sense because this episode was all about Colton getting DIRTY. I hope you're still playing that drinking game where you knock back a shot every time someone brings up Colton's virginity – and by that, I mean I hope you're not because you'd be dead from alcohol poisoning – because it's Fantasy Suite week, and everybody wants to give Colton's passport to Boink Town its first stamp. 

After having an awkward reality show variation of the birds and the bees chat with Harrison, Colton announces to the remaining ladies that Fantasy Suite week is headed to Europe. Indeed, the producers blindfolded dart toss apparently landed on Portugal so we're off across the ocean!

The first date belongs to Tayshia, who Colton takes on a helicopter ride because the producers can't stop mocking these two's fear of heights. I look forward to next week when "The Bachelor" puts them in a SpaceX rocket and launches them into orbit. While zipping above Portugal, Colton notes as naturally as possible, "I wonder what, other than figs, they export." WELP, SOMEBODY JUST WIKIPEDIA-ED PORTUGAL. There's definitely a deleted scene where Colton says, "So what are your thoughts on (*awkward silence as he scrolls quickly on iPhone*) the Carnation Revolution and European integration?" In conclusion, Colton determines Portugal is a land of contrasts. 

After Colton finishes his book report on the Iberian Peninsula, the two land and have a picnic where they chat and flirtatious chat. Colton says he's never done anything like this, prompting Tayshia to ask, "What else is something you haven't done?" YEEEAH, PUT THAT ONE ON A TEE FOR HER, COLTON. Colton jokes that he's not very flexible, probably because he's a virgin, and Tayshia's like "I can help with that." NO EXPERT HERE, BUT SHE SEEMS INTERESTED, COLTON. Still, it's not quite time yet, so instead the two climb to the top of a big, throbbingly red, erect, phallus-looking lighthouse. Meanwhile, Colton keeps explaining his requisites for his first time, which he insists, "It'll be caring. It'll be passionate. And it'll be something I remember forever." Colton, you're really overselling this. It'll be awkward. It'll be clumsy. And it'll be something you'll probably wish you could do over when all's said and done. Life ain't a Nicholas Sparks novel. 

All this sexy talk has made everyone quite hungry, so it's time for dinner. And because it's a very serious night, one with an important and mature decision at the end of it, we spend most of it giggling about boobs. Apparently Tayshia's dress tape is, well, not getting the job done. After Colton gets his giggles out, it's time for serious conversation, however, as Tayshia reveals to him that she waited to have sex until her husband ... and he repaid her by eventually cheating on her. Colton's sympathetic and promises that, "If it is us, that'll never happen." Aww. I believe him. After all, nothing screams a heartfelt promise of loyalty like a guy dating two other women during Sex Suite Week on "The Bachelor."

Speaking of which, it's off to the Sex Suite, where Colton prematurely ejaculates a bottle of champagne all over the living room while explaining to the camera that, listen, he may be a virgin but he's done other stuff too, so he'll be totally fine. YOU'RE SOMEHOW MAKING THIS MORE AWKWARD, COLTON. They discover a bubble bath – which how long was that just sitting there waiting for the two to get done with dinner? The water's probably gone cold. Awful; do not go in there. One word, Colton: shrinkage. Thankfully they skip the bathtub because tonight's all about the bedroom, baby. Cut to black and cue a sexy giggle. 

It's the next morning. Cut to birds. Cut to bees. (*Takes a drag from a cigarette*) I hope it was good for you ... because it was CLEARLY not good for Colton and Tayshia, who definitely didn't end up doing the nasty. The two are cuddly and talking politely about how they got to know each other better and had intimate ... conversations, but at the same time, Colton's talking about how he didn't want to have sex because, while he's falling in love with Tayshia, he's not in love with her. Always enjoy this show's weird obsession with emotional semantics. Also, Colton couldn't stop thinking about his other girlfriends enough to get freaky so THAT DOESN'T SEEM PROMISING. At this point, my bet is on Tayshia to go home. 

But wait, because Cassie has something to say about that. 

After perusing some markets and making out in a random abandoned Portuguese alley, the two sip on champagne overlooking the city. Colton can't stop talking about how much he's fallen in love with Cassie, about how you know you're in love when you're in love, how he can't wait to make her his wife and WELP I GUESS WE CAN CALL IT A SHOW; CASSIE WINS. There's just one hangup: Colton tells Cassie that her dad didn't end up giving his blessing last week – and Cassie is weirdly shook by this non-information. I get family is very important to her, but you can make your own decisions, girl. This isn't the 1800s; you don't NEED a dad's permission to get married. There's no goats and horses to gather for a dowry. Anyways, Cassie's very confused and she's finding this all very hard. So very hard. You know what; the sex joke here is too easy – I decline. 

To make things worse, a mystery man has arrived in Portugal in a van. Is it an ex-boyfriend? Is it a long-lost brother? An ill-timed circus clown?! Nope, it's Cassie's dad. That's right; THE PRODUCERS SHIPPED IN HER DAD. And if you thought he was there to help calm her nerves, make her feel better about making her own decisions or maybe give his consent, YOU WOULD BE VERY WRONG. He is here to deliver a whole sack of concerns and to take a big dump on Colton's heart. (A bad place for dumps, according to most doctors.)

And to be honest? Cassie's dad doesn't make bad arguments. I mean, if we're going to do this retrograde ask-for-permission rigamarole, his rationale for saying no – that he's only known Colton for about the length of a "Parks and Rec" episode and that Cassie's committing to a guy she's known for a month as he's dated dozens of other women – is kind of sensible. And while he may be leading her on and messing with her head in the process, she's also clearly confused and wildly uncertain about what she actually wants. The audience, however, feels pretty certain at this moment what Cassie wants: "The Bachelorette." Is this where I point out that Cassie was already on a reality show before this? Seems relevant. 

With her dad's help, Cassie and her newly formed spine of overcooked linguini eventually come to a decision: She's going to tell Colton that she's not ready for the commitment he wants. And thus, with dinner ready, the table is set for misery. Prepare yourself for a disaster, everyone. 

And when I speak of disaster, I'm of course talking about this reprehensible cheese plate.

I know there’s significant drama about to happen, but this cheese plate is horrifying. #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/z9ZUKm35l8 — Kelly White (@kellymowhite) March 5, 2019

Look at that sub-Kraft looking nightmare. A bunch of individually wrapped string cheeses would look more dignified. Listen, "Bachelor" caterer, I know watching your dreams go from "Michelin star chef" to "reality show food organizer" is quite the grim reality check, but that's no excuse for those sad-ass grapes or playing half-hearted Jenga with Velveeta blocks. How am I supposed to carry on like normal knowing that exists? Oh, that's right; we're jumping a fence tonight. WOOO!

Cassie begins her slow fade out of Colton's life, explaining that she's confused and she's uncertain and that she's basically this GIF of Meryl Streep:

She tells Colton her dad dropped by – at which this point he starts looking around the room at the producers and crew members with a face that screams, "WHAT DID YOU DOOOO?!" He definitely thought he was finally going to have sex tonight – and now it's ending with a breakup instead, as Cassie insists that she's full of doubts, that she wants more time and that, even if she had it, she's not sure she could get to the point of loving Colton. Man, "Bachelor" producers; you just HAD to give Cassie's dad a free vacation to Portugal, didn't you? 

Colton doesn't take her rejection laying down, however. For about an hour of Monday night's episode, Colton is just trying to convince her to stay – but Cassie, who comes off wildly indecisive and fairly childish during this entire segment, just won't take. She says that she doesn't know if she's ready, so Colton says that he knows that it's OK not to know, but Cassie doesn't know how she feels about not knowing if she knows. In general, there's a lot of not knowing things going on, though one thing is clear: Colton was going to pick Cassie at the end of the show. He's pleading for her to stay, basically saying straight-up that she is the person he wants to be with. But no matter the case, Cassie's heart just isn't completely in it, and after many tears, even more not knowing things and a whole lot of tremors – but really, Colton's body starts having a full-scale collapse, shaking with some combination of confusion, sadness, rage and sexual frustration – she leaves. Enjoy DEFINITELY never being "The Bachelorette" now!

And lo, we've arrived at the moment we've all been waiting for. 

After a few moments along in his fantasy-turned-nightmare suite, Colton bails, knocking a camera out of the way. Chris Harrison, who must've been just sitting in a bush somewhere or in a nearby tree just waiting for the Harrison signal to turn on and light up the sky, pops out of freaking nowhere to try to stop Colton, but no one will stop him as he charges toward his only escape. And that escape ... is a fence jump. 

West Coast...it’s time. #TheBachelor. pic.twitter.com/yIaEi93Uln — The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) March 5, 2019

Of course, he could've just unlatched the fence as Harrison does ten seconds later BUT WHERE IS THE FUN IN THAT?! Colton hasn't been working out and showing off his abs in the shower every week for him to NOT jump a fence and sprint off ... somewhere. Indeed, we've lost Colton, which weirdly causes the entire "Bachelor" crew to act like they've lost a dog. Calling his name out? Fine. But whistling? That's not how you find a person. Next thing you know they were probably barking out "Come Colton!" and trying to bribe him with Milkbones and belly rubs. Hopefully they got one of those tracking chips installed in his neck. In the meantime, however, BE ON HIGH ALERT, PORTUGAL. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THERE IS A SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED REALITY STAR ROAMING YOUR STREETS. LOCK THE DOORS. BOARD THE WINDOWS. EVACUATE IF YOU CAN. 

As for Hannah's fantasy suite date with Colton ... well, we outta time! And frankly, aren't we pretty much out of show? I mean, Colton basically told Cassie that she was the one and that she was going to be the woman he picked. He put a lot of big statements out there during that conversation – and he can't put those back in the box now even though Cassie's gone. How do you put Hannah and Tayshia through the indignity of a weird consolation round? I guess we've got two more episodes and a Ladies Tell All to find out!