There's a wonderful meme online of someone having an absolute blast sowing, only to realize that the reaping freaking sucks. And honestly, my article for this week's episode could just be that meme on repeat, as Monday was just a delightful cavalcade of people playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes. But my bosses inform me that my recap should actually include some, you know, recapping – so let's talk about the new episode, where after weeks of sitting with bad vibes, worse rumors and the worst contestant (hi Victoria!), the chickens finally came home to roost. Actions finally had consequences – sweet, sweet consequences.

So the ladies are getting ready for the night's cocktail party. Anna's putting on her finest Stepford hair while Victoria's joking about how the hazing process hasn't even begun yet for the new arrivals, so clearly this is a person who's wracked with guilt and thinking about her actions. "I don't even think about them," says the person who spends every single moment of this show thinking, heckling and complaining about other contestants while only on rare occasion acknowledging that Matt is also on the program. 

Thankfully, Matt is about to acknowledge her – just not in the way she'd like, as he arrives to the cocktail party in a very serious mood, addressing the concerns about bulling and rumors by saying neither of those things are what he's looking for in a wife and that he'll be spending most of the night getting to the bottom of who's been doing and saying what. The ladies start sweating – in particular Anna, who seems shocked and amazed that words and actions have consequences. (Take a drink every time I say that in this article.) In what will become a common refrain Monday night, she insists that her rumor-spreading behavior isn't who she is and that she's sad her character is being questioned. Welp, if that isn't who you are, Anna, then who was that very Anna-esque lady who spread unsubstantiated, potentially life-altering rumors about Brittany last week, HMMM!? She feels bad – but really, as Katie points out, she and others at the cocktail party are just upset that their crappy behavior is about to deliver crappy repercussions. 

Matt talks with her for a brief bit, as Anna owns up to spreading the bad rumors. And despite Matt seemingly having some feelings for her, he decides to walk her out of the house and into an SUV because he can't have women feeling unsafe and at risk of her behavior. No hex eyes can save her tonight. While she drives off to go cry in a shower, the rest of the original women shower the new arrivals with faux apologies now that they've seen that – uh oh! – actions have consequences and the stakes for their mean-girlishness are suddenly very apparent. 

So with one bullying villain gone, it's on to the main event: getting Victoria out of here. New arrival Ryan goes to talk with Matt and says that the queen's been a problem for all of them since they first showed up, calling her a "ho" for merely being a dancer, taking Catalina's crown literally off of her head within moments of entering the house and (*keeps reading from a file of complaints the size of a dictionary*) the list goes on. Matt sees what Victoria has to say for herself, and – surprise! – it's nothing good. She tries to argue that her ho comment was "taken out of context," to which Matt smartly follows up with, "In what context would calling someone a ho be OK?" Victoria is rendered speechless while Bachelor Nation has a good cackle and throws confetti in the air. It's just delicious, much-deserved comeuppance, and I could watch it for HOURS. 

Humbled by facing consequences and the harsh words of Matt, Victoria comes out of her meeting a changed person, going up to all of the women she wronged thus far on the show and sincerely apologizing to NAAAAH JUST KIDDING SHE REFUSES TO LEARN ANYTHING AND COMPLAINS ABOUT HAVING TO OWN UP TO HER BEHAVIOR. She goes off to a corner to call Ryan "the shadiest bitch" in the house and berate everyone in private ... or seemingly in private, but actually everything she's saying is echoing into the main hall so the ladies hear her every vicious and vindictive word. In case you thought she'd finally gain self-awareness on this show. But still, despite it all, I was afraid that she might not actually get the axe because, during her chat with Matt, he accidentally revealed that the person who brought the bullying issues to his attention was Katie – and I wondered if the show would keep Victoria around to milk that drama. 

Thankfully, even Harrison and company had enough, and after she has a little cry session and panic attack – accompanied by the world's smallest violin – Victoria doesn't get a rose at the evening's ceremony. Instead, most of the new girls get roses first while Victoria, Lauren and Miss Puerto Rico are sent packing along with Mari – who I thought would go a lot further this season. Or at least certainly get better treatment that an almost non-existent goodbye entirely overshadowed by a delusional narcissist's final whines. But that's exactly what happens as Mari disappears from the show without a trace while Victoria gets one big final moment, turning down a hug from Matt in order to tell him off, saying she's sorry for him and throwing out some more insults on the way out. Glad to see this was a learning experience for her! "I'm never dating another Matt again," she triumphantly exclaims at the end – and I think I speak on behalf of Matts across the planet when I say that's a 100 percent win. 

The next day, moods are still low from the tense night before – except for Rachael, who gets the day's one-on-one date, complete with a freaking footman coming to summon her to a fancy car. From there, she meets Matt at the mall for a big shopping montage, trying on all the clothes. Even Matt gets in on the action, wearing a black suit with what appears to be a massive white cumberbund on the outside. Is that a look these days? And if so, must I live in this society anymore? Anyways, this isn't just a fun '80s movie reenactment; Rachael actually gets to keep all of these clothes, returning home looking like the movie poster for "Confessions of a Shopaholic." Who needs Matt?! She's already won! Worse comes to worst, she's at least going home to a brand new fancy closet – not that she has to worry about going home anytime soon, because the dinner portion of their date goes well too, her opening up about her confidence issues and Matt giving her a rose.

In case the ladies weren't jealous enough, while Rachael gets to enjoy all her new clothes, their group date takes them to the glamorous world ... of farming. Rachael gets a whole revamped closet; they get to do a farmer's chores and field labor for an afternoon. ROUGH DEAL ... except for the farmer. Nice swindle he pulled here getting ABC to bring in hired hands to do his work for the day – scooping poop, finding chicken eggs, milking goats – while he gets to sit relax and watch "The Price Is Right." At least he didn't leave them any REAL farm experiences. "Welcome to the farm, ladies. Bess the cow unfortunately hurt her leg last night, so Serena, if you wanna grab that shotgun, we'll take her behind the shed real quick – and Chelsea, grab that butcher's knife. Bess's still got some good meat on her!" ROMANCE!

While they avoid those tasks, MJ still has a rough day on the ranch – and not just because she gets rejected by a goat, menaced by chickens and explodes egg all over her hands. No, she acccidentally walks in on Matt and Pieper hardcore making out during one of her interview segments. "You don't ever want to see the guy you're dating with another girl," she notes, which, sure, true ... but have you heard of THE PREMISE OF THIS SHOW?! Unfortunately this becomes the new drama for the middle hour of the show after Victoria leaves, and it's just really boring as people mope that they just discovered the show about a guy dating multiple people at the same time would involve a guy dating multiple people at the same time. Sure, it's a crappy (and provably unsuccessful) scenario – but then don't go on the show! I don't go on "Survivor" and complain about the lack of toiletries, bathrooms and hardwood floorings.

Eventually, the show dredges up some new drama as Matt remembers he's still got a bullying problem to take care of and takes MJ aside to talk about her not-insignificant role in it all – news to no one except for MJ, who is STUNNED I TELL YOU, JUST STUNNED that she would be accused of calling people names and creating a toxic atmosphere. Never mind that we all saw her cackling about developing the ideas of "JV and varsity teams" on the show. But she's aghast that people would call her a bully just because of all of her bullying, so she goes to the rest of the girls on the group date to find out who told Matt about her behavior.

The answer ends up being Jessenia, who finally gets a speaking role this season. MJ complains that Jessenia doesn't know her character, to which Jessenia accurately notes that "character is based on behavior." DAMN, WE SHOULD'VE GIVEN HER LINES BEFORE THIS! Defeated by logic and people's ability to observe reality with their eyes and ears, MJ resorts to the classic "I am being attacked ... yes, for attacking people, but that's besides the point." Fun fact: People calling you out for being a bad person when you behave like a bad person isn't an attack; it's accountability and (say it with me now!) consequences for your irresponsible actions. THIS IS WHY YOU'RE THE SECOND-BEST MJ IN THE HOUSE BEHIND THE VIBRATOR.

Oh yeah, I suppose that Matt's still trying to find love on this show too. He sure does fade to the background easily. But anyways, he gives the date rose to Abigail as she opened up to Matt about her worries about disappointing him – mainly about how there's a distinct possibility her future kids will be similarly hearing impaired. Her birth father walked out on her when he found out about her condition, and she's afraid history could repeat itself – but Matt says that's not going to happen. 

There's somehow still room for one more date in the episode, this one going to Kit who I was almost positive was getting eliminated tonight. She's seemingly barely made an impression with Matt, and she was very excited about the one-on-one date – which is typically foreshadowing for a sad night. But instead, the two cooked together and actually had a sweet evening – so sweet that I'll ignore that Kit was complaining about how HARD her life is being wealthy and the daughter of a fashion designer. Ugh, MORE red carpet events and fancy cars? Yes, sounds truly exhausting. But somehow the date is so charming and genuine that she actually kind of comes off as a real human person and not the physical embodiment of privilege. 

And so it's time for the cocktail party – or it would be, but Matt throws in a surprise impromptu two-on-one date. Or more like a two-on-one discussion, as Matt's still on his quest to exterminate the toxic atmosphere in the house and that means getting to the bottom of Jessenia and MJ's rift. TWO LUGGAGES ENTER; ONE LUGGAGE LEAVES! Indeed, after gathering their things and taking an awkward car ride together, the two are nudged by the producers into having a sassy argument have a natural argument while waiting for Matt, with MJ unhappy about being "attacked" for attacking others and Jessenia smiling, hopeful that Matt will hear the truth. Uh oh, someone's confident heading into a two-on-one situation; that always ends well. 

Anyways, here's to Jessenia's words not cursing her – and here's to Katie's vibrator being the only MJ still in the mansion next week.