On this week's episode of "The Bachelor," the cast cracked open a big ol' jug of whine – and just about everyone took a healthy swig.

Taylor complained about Corinne, Corinne complained about Taylor and America complained about both. Jasmine complained about not getting enough Nick time. Danielle L. and Whitney complained about being selected for a 2-on-1. Everyone else in the cast complained about having to play beach volleyball instead of dating and chatting with the man they'd all come to win. And then Nick complained about having to be The Bachelor; man, dating 30 gorgeous women while taking free vacations to scenic locales – rough life, bro.

All of this in the same episode where a contestant opened up about her miserable Russian childhood, getting kicked out of her house as a starving 5-year-old because she tried to eat lipstick and then spending the next seven years in an orphanage. So, sorry if I'm not exactly sympathetic this episode toward, "Waaaaaah, I have to play beach volleyball in literal paradise."

Before we get into the new stuff, we have unfinished business – namely the conclusion of Taylor v Corinne: Dawn of Jacuzzis, which wound up being more of a dramatic dud than the superhero movie I'm mocking. After getting possessed by a vengeful voodoo spirit and marching across the bayou to confront Corinne and Nick, Taylor busts into their barn house dinner and ... clumsily stumbles over calling Corinne a liar ("Hi, uh, first, you're a liar;" SOLID BURN, TAY TAY *sighs*) and then does a final "Can I steal him for a sec?" Hey Taylor: When I joked about you doing that last week, I didn't expect it to actually be the strategy. You had miles of walking to think of your baller entrance line and approach, and THIS is the fire you're coming in with? Really puts a damper on the Exciting Revenge Tour when you politely ask your rival for what you want and then just complain a little extra.

Anyways, Nick – polite but clearly annoyed – lets Taylor talk, and he thanks her for her input ... and then she's pushed into a limo and out of the show, so Nick and Corinne can finish their not-all-that-interesting date (I don't even think we saw them actually converse at any point, so truly there is a connection there). In the end, about three episodes were dedicated to a barely simmering feud that featured exactly no one getting slapped. What a lame vengeful voodoo spirit. 

Finally, we can move on to the latest cocktail party-less rose ceremony, which was just a quirk massacre, with nose-balls Jaimi, Josephine and *sheds a single tear* Shark/Dolphin Girl Alexis all getting the axe. Nick even made Alexis cry; HYOU MONSTER! Still, all these ladies made it much further than I think most of us could've expected – and Josephine even got to slap the bejesus out of Nick during this season, so she's definitely more of a winner than a loser. 

Newly culled down to nine, the remaining contestants were shipped down to St. Thomas – where they were welcomed with a fancy hotel, Nick flying in with an assortment of bro tanks and a solo date, handed off to Kristina. The Lexingtonian by way of Russia has been low-key crushing it the past few weeks – she also scored a group date rose a while back – and Nick seems intrigued by her. Or at least as genuinely intrigued as our leading doof can be. For example: When Kristina edged near talking about her personal history, Nick was all, "Wow, what a fascinating backstoBIKINI BEACH SWIM TIME!" 

Eventually, Kristina did get around to talking about her past – her massively tragic, clearly painful past, featuring starvation, eating lipstick, getting kicked out of her house by her furious mom, spending years in an orphanage and finally making it to America thanks to an adoption. In other words: This sh*t's too heavy for our kiddie-pool-deep Nick – and probably for "The Bachelor," which made it pretty much impossible to feel too bad about everyone else's whining and complaining when somebody avoided a life of sex slavery and poverty. I'd say Kristina doesn't deserve to have to compete with 30 other women for this guy's attention – but then again, if anybody deserves a few weeks of paid vacations to beautiful locales and free fun, it's her. 

Meanwhile, back at "Bachelor" basecamp, the ladies discover who is going on the group date – and, most intriguing, who's going on the two-on-one. The unfortunate trio winds up Nick, Whitney (who ... is a contestant? I guess? Who are you again?) and – surprise! – Danielle L., who was previously seen scoring solo dates left and right these past few weeks. Hmm, who will Nick pick: D. Lo or the mystery woman most of us think is a collective fictional hallucination created in our wine-addled minds? Who could know?!

Oh, and Corinne discovers their St. Thomas hotel comes with a nanny. And if you're feeling uncomfortable about the racial undertones of a rich white lady excitedly bossing her black nanny around for giggles, it's OK; the producers had Vanessa quickly read off some fun facts from the St. Thomas Wikipedia page. See, they care about the people of St. Thomas! So, thumbs up; not racist!

While Whitney and Danielle L. talked about their awkward head-to-head date, the rest of the gals headed down to the beach for their group date ... of nightmares. It was bad enough when Nick started doing impressions of a drunk dinosaur strutting around (actual thing that happened!) but then things went particular sideways – and side-eye-filled – when ol' Nick busted out a volleyball for the girls to play with for his amusement. 

As it turns out, the girls would rather, you know, chat with Nick and date him rather than putz around awkwardly on a volleyball court. Throw a small monsoon of booze onto the situation, and everyone was a sobby, annoyed mess. Vanessa was sad and crying. Danielle M. was sad and crying. Corinne was drunk – but also probably sad and crying. At least Jasmine threw Corinne into the sand, but other than that, it was the worst volleyball game since that time in "Meet the Parents" when Ben Stiller bloodily spiked the ball into his soon-to-be relative's face.

Even Nick can tell that his idea is going poorly – what part of the half-dozen women in tears might've given that away? – so for the nightcap (which I will choose to call Nick at Nite) he tries to give everyone some conversation time. Jasmine, however, feels like she's not being given enough time – which may be true and deservedly irritating, but she also spent approximately five hours of the episode's two-hour runtime complaining about it. Yes, mathematically, that's impossible, but that sure feels right.

Plus, when Jasmine finally got her Nick time during Nick at Nite, she spent it – you guessed it – complaining about her lack of solo flirting time and – you probably didn't guess it – awkwardly trying to choke him. Surprisingly, threats of suffocation aren't Nick's thing, so he politely tucks Jasmine into a limo and sends her off the show, where Jasmine will have even less Nick time. Also: Raven gets the group date rose off-screen. 

Finally, we reach the two-on-one date with Danielle L. and Wendy Winnie Wilhelmina(?). Nick chats with Whatshername, chats with Danielle L., realizes he knows the name of one over the other and decides to leave Whatchamacallit behind on the island in favor of Danielle L. Before getting ditched, however, Good Queen Wenceslas asks Nick about his relationship with Danielle L., if he believes she's really ready for a relationship with her and if he feels the same way. Was there some low-key beef going on between those two we didn't know about, or is this just Too Wong Fu, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar's romantic survival instincts kicking in?

Either way, her question seems to stick with Nick going into his dinner date with Danielle L., as he refuses to make eye contact during their scintillating conversations about ... I'll be honest; I have no idea. I zoned out. Even after a bunch of seemingly solo dates, Danielle L. and Nick have about the same fiery romantic chemistry as two damp planks of wood – and they're so bad at making eye contact while talking to one another! Honestly, it was like they both had boogers hanging out of their noses, and neither one wanted to look.

Anyway, in the end, Nick decides that, while D. Lo is nice, he's not feeling it as an actual relationship – he sends her home too. TWO GIRLS ENTER; TWO GIRLS LEAVE! Nick, buddy, you're starting to run out of women to send home.

That might be his mission, though. After giving D. Lo the heave-ho, Nick drops by the survivors' hotel room to sobbingly talk about how he's really struggling with this whole finding love thing and that he's not sure this is genuinely working. The women are confused and kind of convinced Nick might just end this season right here. Well, Nick, on behalf of America, I would just like to say GO FOR IT. BURN IT TO THE GROUND AND SALT THE EARTH SO NOTHING GROWS BACK.

Gone

It was a god damn pre-Valentine's Day massacre on last night's episode, with Taylor (officially), Jacquejosaphineline, Jasmine, Jaimi, Whitney (oh, that's the name; are we still ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I haven't just made this person up?), Danielle L. and sweet, wonderful, glorious Alexis all leaving us. The end credits have already suffered greatly from her absence, with bizarre Nic Cage freakouts and boob birthday parties replaced by the ladies trying dark chocolate. 

Contenders

1. Danielle M.

Danielle M. has been the crowd favorite ever since week one, and while she's disappeared for a few weeks now, she's still around. My money is still on her. And hey, she now has the title of the most successful Danielle this season! *throws confetti*

2. Kristina

Kristina's had a good few weeks – but she still feels like she's on a lower tier than Danielle M., Vanessa and Rachel. Nick kept saying things about trying to break down her walls and struggling to learn more about her, which might not bode well in the long haul. We shall see. 

3. Raven

I believe she's still the only contestant who's met Nick's family, and that has to count for something, doesn't it? I mean, it's no bouncy house, but what is?

Pretenders

1. Corinne

You know what, I'd say there's no way an overt villain like Corinne could win this season, but I just lived through 2016 and then watched the Patriots win the Super Bowl on Sunday night, so you know what, who knows? I'm this close to taking any hope I had of justice in the world out back and putting it out of its misery. Just look at the rabbits, Belief In Good In The World.  

2. Vanessa 

Vanessa – who's one of several remaining contestants who is too good for this show and particularly this guy – seems real done with this ish. Me too, Vanessa. Me too. 

3. Rachel 

I'll be the first to say I want Rachel, my fellow MU alum, to win. She's had the best actual chemistry with Nick, and she's one of the most mature and appropriate candidates for him. That being said, I think it would be mighty awesome if Rachel, instead of winning doofy Nick's heart, got to be "The Bachelorette" – aka the first non-white lead in the show's history. The show's producers have even said the next Bachelorette likely wouldn't be white, so Rachel, help guide this silly show into the 21st century!

Oh, hi, Wisconsin!

Nothing. It's almost as though, as soon as the girls left Waukesha for warmer, sexier climes, they completely forgot Wisconsin and pushed it as far out of mind as possible. But we had so many intramural soccer games and roller rinks!

In memoriam: Alexis

I will remember you

This year, be the girl on #thebachelor that's definitely in a shark costume but won't let anyone tell her she's not a dolphin. #confidence pic.twitter.com/4J9pOhBBz4 — Omri (@Omri_Rawrlan) January 3, 2017

Will you remember me

Alexis is full of surprises! Amazing and wonderful surprises. #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/IgRVE86X7D — The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

Don't let your life pass you by

Alexis is the only reason I watch this season of The Bachelor pic.twitter.com/pCKSZaRJUf — Erin (@oriordan_erin) January 24, 2017

Weep not for the memories 

Fantasy update

Once again, I failed to answer my questions before the episode started. I am the Cleveland Browns of The Bachelor Fantasy League. Somewhere, everyone else competing is drinking wine and laughing at my misery. This is fair. But let's see how I would've done!

I did not know sainthood also involved getting an island named after you. Also: Isn't that last one a delicious sparkling water beverage? See, "The Bachelor" is an educational experience too!

I still can't answer this question AND I JUST WATCHED THE SHOW. 

I'm pretty sure this is "Adventurous and raw," which I would know even if I hadn't watched last night's episode because it's the objectively worst of all of the options. Oh Nick, you wordsmith.

There was no hot tub, but Nick's definitely feeling like he's in HOT WATER these days! Eh!? EH!? Reminder: I am paid money for this content.

Wait, we could've gotten badminton last night!? We could've had drunk, angry women whacking at each other with badminton rackets and giggling at the word "shuttlecock" for 45 minutes!? This god damn show ... 

Line of the night

Nothing particularly spectacular tonight – an annoyed "Agggh, open your eyeballs!" from Taylor, a snarky "Cats have nine lives; bitches have two" from Corinne – but the important thing is ... it's coming. We're almost there! The "My vagine is platinum" line is within reach! IT GIVES ME LIFE!

Mom-mentary

First, any thoughts on Nick's statement that he sees potential in Corinne, Mom?

"Oh, he's so stupid."

Glad we're on the same page!

Meanwhile, a surprising amount of fashion discussion took place during last night's episode between my mother and me – mainly about the prevalence of rompers during Monday's "Bachelor" block. There were a lot of rompers! I don't know what this means, but I thought the world should know. Also: She was not a fan of Danielle L.'s or Corinne's dresses, as both were obviously struggling real hard to keep things together. 

In addition to noticing Nick and Danielle refusing to make eye contact, Madre Mueller would also like to propose Chris Harrison as the next bachelor. I think that's fair. He deserves a season of the show where he's not disappointing a room of attractive women every time he walks into it.