By Matt Mueller Culture Editor Published Jul 24, 2018 at 2:46 AM

I hate fantasy suite night.

Ever since I've begun watching this silly show, each season, I always dread this night more than any other night of the year. (Well, I guess each new season premiere is a little tough too, as I stare in a mirror and ask myself what I'm doing with my life. The wine helps answer that question.)

Instead of making sex a natural part of the dating process, "The Bachelorette" and its ilk make it this weird ritual, this bizarre checkpoint, at the end of every season. And they try to make it seem romantic and sweet and that LOVE IS BLOSSOMING IN THE AIR, but it's really just our lead character boinking three different people, three straight nights, convincing each one that their particular connection is important and intimate and special ... before bailing to tell the next person the same thing. While dating 25 to 30 people at the same time will always be kind of sleazy and gross, fantasy suite night is when "The Bachelorette" can't even pretend otherwise. 

And yet the fantasy suite dates weren't even the worst part of Monday night's Thai-set episode. That would actually be what happened after.

So Becca and company hit Thailand, "one of the most romantic places I've ever been." (Virginia is watching, Becca. YOU SAID IT WAS FOR LOVERS!) As she voiceovers and looks off into the middle distance off a balcony for the 374th time this season, the dudes settle in. Garrett is wandering around the city, taking in the beautiful country and its culture. Jason is also wandering around the city, taking in the beautiful country and its culture. And Blake ... is wheeling his luggage into his hotel. Poor Blake, can't we get the guy some proper B-roll?

He does get the first of the fantasy suite dates, however: a trip to a sacred Thai temple. The one catch: The two can't touch or kiss each other throughout the grounds unless you plan on desecrating some important cultural lands. And while "The Bachelorette" may be find with desecrating romance and the concept of quality television, another nation's sacred landmark is just a bridge too far. On one hand, there's something romantic about having to withhold yourself and contain yourself, one's passions and physical attractions creating a buzz of sensual tension. On the other hand, Blake hasn't seen Becca in a while and now the two literally can't touch. I feel like the producers are trying to tell you something here, Blake.

After the two finish their Thai remake of "Arrested Development" and gain some wisdom from a temple monk, they head out for dinner. Blake's a little stressed out about Becca dating several people and that, while their connection may be close and may be one of a kind, what's her connection like with the other two guys? But as Blake sweetly says, he "looks for a reason to stay, not a reason to go." Plus, he spent all afternoon not being allowed to touch Becca under punishment of karmic death, so no, he's not turning down the fantasy suite. The two have their intimate night, and Blake wakes up amazed that he cares about her even more than he did before. YES, THAT'S GENERALLY WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE SEX. That's why it's an important emotional and physical step in a relationship, not just, "It's We Can Have Sex Week on 'The Bachelorette.'" 

Anyways, time to leave, shower up and head off to her next date, this time with Jason. The two wander around a market and nosh on some crickets. That's somehow not the most troubling part of the date, however. (Though I'd probably be shook if I'd crunched down on a cricket, too.) While Jason and her are meandering around the city, she casually says something about her future – and realizes she's picturing it without him. That doesn't seem like a great sign! She excuses herself to think privately (with a camera person and a producer to help serve as therapists, too, natch) and eventually returns. But Becca is still off her axis. 

And if you think dinner would help, well, sorry Jason, but it did not. Jason keeps saying things about his confidence in their relationship and – nope, she's gotta go again. IT'S YOU, JASON, NOT THE CRICKETS. It's pretty obvious that Becca doesn't feel like going any further with Jason – not because he's a bad guy, but just because it's not working out, the feelings just aren't there – so she withholds the fantasy suite invitation and sends him home right away instead of playing him along and dragging things out.

Jason handles it ... well. (When she says that she wants him to find his happiness someday, though, he does drop a very salty "sure." Oooooh, spicy AND chilly.) And because this is Becca's season, there's some bonus Arie shade tossed in as Becca cries about how "I just did to him what Arie did to me." Uhh, no you didn't. Breaking up with somebody and breaking off an engagement, making somebody your choice but then going back and saying, "Ummmm, but actually" – all while allowing cameras in to capture your cruel prank – are two different things. But sure, I'm still here for the Arie dragging. I'LL NEVER GET THOSE 20 HOURS BACK, YOU DIPSTICK!

So Garrett's up next – unbeknownst to him without the tension of the rose ceremony anymore, since we've already eliminated our person this episode. So the show mainly just has fun, as the two attempt to take a quiet rafting trip down a river ... but instead end up in the middle of a big, festive Thai national holiday/splash fight. I, too, hate when I try going on a romantic dinner at a nice restaurant and then somehow end up at Summerfest. It does seem like hella fun – though I imagine we had to cut about an hour of footage of a nervous and untrained Garrett accidentally crashing his raft into every single stranger along the way and muttering profanity the whole way through. 

They have dinner, and it goes well. Garrett was once nervous about getting engaged again, but he felt better about it by night one – leading him to officially say that he's in love with Becca, not just falling in love. Stupid "Bachelorette" semantics. Unlike Jason, Garrett gets offered Becca's Sex Hallmark Card and the two enjoy their fantasy suite – a cute treehouse in the middle of the Thai rain, which does actually sound all romantic and steamy. 

And alright, so we've got our two finalists: Blake and Garrett. I guess we'll call it a night then ... oh, wait, we're only at the 90-minute mark of the episode? We still have 30 minutes of television to fill? Couldn't we just call it early and run some America's Funniest Home Videos instead? No? We're contractually obligated to shove Chris Harrison somewhere into this episode – regardless of whether he has anything important to say or do? I hate you, TV show. I hate you so much right now.

So yes, even though everything's all settled and we've clearly run out of dramatically compelling TV to make, "The Bachelorette" dragged on for another 20 minutes. They brought back Jason – which is generally creepy and weird and crappy, because dudes storming back to their ex's hotel room to demand answers is just a real stalker-y look – but he actually comes out looking pretty clean, as the two have a talk about why she let him go early. He also gives her a relationship scrapbook. I'm sure it was very emotional for him to watch the producers make that for him. 

And then, because that only wasted about 10 minutes of screen time, we're still having a rose ceremony. Never mind that we already have two roses and two guys. Never mind that there's no tension or drama or anything resembling compelling television happening. Nope, we need to have Chris Harrison briefly interview the three individually for about 20 seconds each, and then have them stand dramatically for a ceremony that's basically already finished. Also, Harrison: What ... do you do here? Follow-up question: WHY IS THIS EPISODE STILL HAPPENING?!

Because the excitement is just so palpable, we still go through the whole rose ceremony, with Becca giving out roses to Garrett and – TWIST! – camera operator C. (Nah, just kidding, she gives the other rose to Blake, duh.) And we're finally ready to call it an episode about 30 minutes too late. I used to harrumph at "Bachelorette" episodes that were only an hour long because they clearly didn't have enough material – but boy, that is much preferred over a regular two-hour episode where they ran out of TV 75 percent of the way through. 

So here we are: the final two dudes. Blake versus Garrett. And boy, does it seem obvious – from the way they're talking on the show to the way ABC and the cast reacted to his controversial Instagram findings – that Garrett is the winner here. The two talked serious future stuff this week – where they might live, concessions the two might have to make – whereas Blake and Becca just talk cute honeymoon stuff. He's definitely the winner – and they're definitely trying to set up Blake or maybe even slick-haired Jason as the next "Bachelor." AS IF PETER, KENNY, WILLS AND THE GROCERY STORE GUY ARE NOT ALL AVAILABLE, WAITING PATIENTLY BY THEIR PHONES. 

Make the right choice for the next season, ABC. Don't waste my time like this episode did. (Which is to say even more so than usual.)

Matt Mueller Culture Editor

As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.

When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.