I don't want to say Arie's season placed the bar pretty low for "The Bachelorette," but my television could turn into a dark portal allowing evil murder children to invade my living room and Guy Fieri to invade my kitchen, and it would still be more enjoyable than Arie's season.

No wonder Becca seemed so relaxed and comfortable for Monday night's debut episode as the star of the show, immediately an upgrade over last season's dead-eyed, disinterested lead. She's effervescent. She's game. The Midwest native has a sense of humor, and she actually interacts and engages with people instead of just blandly taking up space in the room.

She's not just the Bachelorette this season because she has a tragic backstory, dumped in cruelly spectacular fashion last we saw her. (Arie is now attempting to backtrack and say that the producers tricked him into appearing so awful last season, to which I say TOO BAD; WHY ARE YOU BACK IN MY LINE OF SIGHT?!) Becca's the Bachelorette because she's the kind of person you're actually willing to watch for weeks on weeks, rooting for her to find a significant other. 

There's just two problems right now. One, the producers are working VERY hard to make "Let's do the damn thing" her catchphrase, and it's not sticking. It is not as memorable a line as you think, guys. But more pressing: While Becca showed up charming and ready for some televised match-making, no one else with a personality bothered to show up for episode one. Admittedly the first night of "The Bachelorette" is always a bit of a slog, having to introduce two-dozen suitors in a single evening and barely getting to draw a brief sketch of any of them. But even with a guy in a chicken suit, the mansion welcomed very few characters inside last night and even less drama. 

Before we meet all of them, however, Becca had to sit down with former Bachelorettes Rachel, Kaitlyn and Jojo to glean some of their wisdom – and also to say f*ck off to Arie a few more times. Several months after "The Bachelor," it's still extremely cathartic. They also light some sage and gas the ghost of Arie out of the house – and, thanks to Rachel, out of Becca's nether regions. Gotta be thorough, I suppose. Don't want to risk leaving a trace of the Dutch d-bag anywhere. Kaitlyn, meanwhile, is confused about why everyone just lit a gigantic doobie in the house. Honestly, leave the dudes at the airport and let's just make a "Girls Trip"-esque TV show hanging out with these four instead. 

But, unfortunately, finding sweet televised love is the name of the game, so BRING ON THE GENERICALLY HANDSOME GENTLEMEN!

First up with the special video package is Clay Harbor, a former football player. He seems nice. Then there's Garrett, who's way to excited to be from Reno. Besides doing a Midwest accent for approximately seven hours, he seems nice too. Everyone seems fine and nice, and I've already forgotten all of their names. Male model Jordan is next, who describes his brand as "pensive gentleman." I may have broken my TV in rage at that sentence. He also says he has scruff and five o'clock shadow in his resume – and I don't think he's joking. Even Derek Zoolander is like, "Get a load of this douche."

The rest of the introductions are fairly uneventful, though there is a guy incredibly named Jean Blanc who owns so many colognes that his profession is listed as "colognoisseur," which is certainly not a word and definitely not a job. But when your name is Jean Blanc, you can get away with these things. 

Now that we've met a few of these dudes, it's time for Becca to get her introductions. First out of the limo is Colton, who brings confetti cannons and a "let's get this popping" pun. As soon as he's off screen, I've forgotten he exists. Grant, an electrician from Georgia, is next; he will literally never be seen again. Clay comes next and seems adorably nervous; in fact, every time the show cuts to him inside the mansion, he seems very uncomfortable with the entire situation. Because who hasn't tried to win over somebody's heart alongside 27 other people while cameras watch your every move. I like him.

Technically more contestants show up as the night continues on, but for the life of me, I cannot remember who any of them are. They're a blandly handsome blur. Leo, a long-maned stuntman who must be Jason Momoa's stand-in, says it best when he calls everyone "highway patrol officers." Otherwise, no one makes a particularly exciting entrance or says anything clever – or embarrassingly not clever. It says a lot about the evening that a guy going the wrong way into the mansion after meeting Becca counts as a memorable moment.

The closest thing to drama is that Pensive Gentleman Jordan is enraged at the state of the guys' fashion in the mansion. No ties? NO SOCKS!? Heathens! And that's all before the guy in the chicken suit shows up. Sorry, David, but Shark/Dolphin Girl from Nick's season did it better – mainly because she was funny with or without the costume, while David's personality began and ended at the chicken suit. 

With Chicken Man, however, all of the dudes have arrived, meaning it's time for Becca to actually meet the fellas. Connor – who introduced himself by getting down on one knee – immediately swipes in for the first one-on-one time. The man is clearly not wasting time – though, again, I could not pick him out from a lineup, even if that lineup was only him. Clay takes Becca aside to play with ... clay. One guy has a Harry Potter tattoo, which depending on your taste leapfrogs him to the top of the leaderboard or makes him an immediate dismissal. Becca loves it, though, because they're both nerds. Nothing says being a weirdo nerd like loving the most popular book of the 21st century! 

Other than Christon dunking on Becca – not a turn of phrase; he literally dunks on her as he's a former Harlem Globetrotter – the night's a real dramatic dud. No one's of real interest, and even the show's few attempts at drama feel half-hearted. At one point, a guy named Chris R. feels compelled to question a fellow generic handsome dude because he got a text from Whatshisname's ex saying that Noreallywhoisthat wasn't there for the right reasons – which I'm calling BS on that. Nobody says "He's not there for the right reasons" unless a "Bachelor" producer is feeding that line to you. But after a brief chat with each other, and with Becca, that beef barely hits the grill before it's extinguished. 

There's also Jake, who Becca actually knows from back in Minnesota – and sends him back there as soon as possible. She doesn't like that he's never shown interest in her during their past interactions, but apparently now that she's on television, he's getting in line. So he's gone – very politely, though. (This is, after all, a Midwestern Bachelorette.) So even a dude getting the boot on night one is STILL not entertaining drama. Where's the sparking romance? Where's the villain? Where's the side eye? It says a lot that the guy who receives the First Impression Rose is Garrett, who made no first impression at all and drove up to the mansion in a damn mini-van. THIS IS THE PEAK OF THE PERSONALITY AVAILABLE?!

Thankfully at least we're culling down some of this studly duds with a rose ceremony – six to be exact. Gone is Joe the Chicago grocery store owner, who seemed like a nice guy. But he was probably also a Cubs fan, so GET HIM OUT. If you watch "The Bachelorette" for the local connections, well, you get to quit early this season, as former Wisconsin Badger Darius Feaster got the axe after an approximate zero seconds of screen time. Not quite a new Peter there. Most important, though: A guy named Kamil gets kicked off who claims his profession is "social media participant." So he's definitely unemployed. If he made it to week two, his lower third should've read "Kamil, 30, New York, owner of a LinkedIn account." (Upon further research, it appears social media participant Kamil Nicalek has tweeted less than 300 times, including just twice in the last three years. HE'S NOT EVEN GOOD AT HIS FAKE JOB!)

Even a bigger problem, though, is that the most goofily compelling person on the show so far is no longer on the show. Maybe Jordan will amp up being a finicky fashion goofus. Maybe Chicken Man has some more animal suits up his feathery sleeve. Maybe we'll get to see more Globetrotter dunks from Christon!

But while all the guys arrived tonight, I guess we'll have to wait until next week for some personality or drama to join them.