The NBA Finals may have delayed the new episode of "The Bachelorette" for just a week, but it sure felt longer. I missed these dudes ... wait, who are half of these dudes again? And Whaboom Guy and the aspiring drummer's feud might as well have happened during the Obama administration, rather than just two weeks ago.
Lee picked up right where he left off, however, moving on from pestering Eric to pestering Kenny – which HOW DARE YOU. First, he rudely and drunkenly snaked into the fan favorite's time with Rachel, earning the audience an outstanding direct-to-camera "really?" face from the wrestler, and then followed that up with a dismissive and condescending attitude when Kenny took him aside to chat. Lee clearly loves riling others up – and sadly Kenny took the bait, yelling to the point that Rachel and, uh, one of the generic B-named dudes (maybe the one with a cinder block for a chin?) even noticed.
And she was not pleased.
With everyone's loud drama, Rachel had a mini-breakdown, suddenly feeling the pressure of being the first black Bachelorette – very suddenly. Honestly, it was a weirdly unearned emotional break. It's not that what she was saying – about knowing her decisions would be extra-analyzed as the show's first woman of color star – didn't make sense; it just felt oddly out of place and unrelated to the macho-bro drama unfolding at the time. Maybe this was the "Bachelorette" producers' attempt to hint at the racial issues surrounding Lee? Either way, it was peculiar.
Clearly, Rachel was actually rattled by the disappointingly dramatic evening, cutting the cocktail party short and hopping straight to the rose ceremony. When it came down to the last carnation, dapper Diggy noted (accurately) that "Lee leaving would probably end a lot of the drama in the house." So, obviously, Lee was offered the rose and Diggy was offered the exit. Poor, sweet Diggy. You guys should really watch the show before coming on.
So not a great start of the episode for Rachel, but things improved immensely during the one-on-one date with the surprise star of the night: Dean.
Even before the date, Dean was scoring points, speaking for America in actively rooting for Kenny to punch Lee in the face. Dean knows Team Kenny is the team to be on. Then again, Team Dean probably recruited a lot of new fans Monday night. His picnic date (eh, more of a liquid lunch) with Rachel was cute and fun, especially when the afraid-of-heights Dean had to take a ride in the Goodyear blimp. Good timing, blimp PR department!
Big Blimpin' with Dean! #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/uQDlPDnotk — The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 20, 2017
After landing, the two had a romantic dinner under a light-covered tree where Dean opened up about losing his mother to breast cancer. At 25, he may be one of the younger contestants, but after what he went through, he's clearly much older than that. And unlike Nick last year, Rachel seems genuinely invested in these conversations, listening and asking questions. Overall, it was a big night for Dean and Rachel – and that was even before the (wait for it) surprise concert from a little-known country/rock musician. WHAA!?
After you picked your jaw off the floor from that SHOCKING surprise concert, it was group date time, with the rest of the dudes – minus JACK! STONE!, who'll have a one-on-one next week – headed onto a boat with Rachel. There was some dancing, some rapping and some realizing that Jonathan the tickle monster is still on the show. He dances just how you would expect a professional tickle monster to dance: hauntingly.
Do the Tickle Monster! #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/wlug90U64u — The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 20, 2017
The real excitement, however, began with an actual surprise: a spelling bee. Indeed, Rachel still cares about spelling in this world of spellcheck and Google. Kenny flopped on "champagne," while Peter botched "coitus" – he'll want to explain the context of that in the future. I feel your pain, guys; I've still never lived down the shame of biffing on the word "business" in the second grade. At least neither of them irrevocably destroyed a word like "facade," ERIC. Where the hell would a Y go in there?
😳#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/Dab3oYQ4xW — The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 20, 2017
After a cavalcade of French words, Josiah came out on top, earning a sweet trophy that he quickly turned into the world's largest brandy snifter.
Unfortunately, perhaps feeling some goblet envy or just pissy that Josiah got a basic word like "stunning," Iggy complained to Rachel about Josiah. After last episode's Eric debacle, this is two times now Iggy's snitched off to Rachel for reasons known only to himself, low-key making him the worst.
That is, if Lee wasn't still around.
The Nashville singer and Kenny are nowhere near done, as a (seemingly VERY hammered) Lee told Rachel about their confrontation, making sure to overemphasize Kenny's aggressiveness and underemphasize his own douchebaggery. Rachel then took the info to America's favorite semi-pro wrestler, who, after a slick freestyle, actually handled the conversation well. This wasn't a Corinne v Taylor or Whaboom Guy v Aspiring Drummer situation, in which the offended party just makes everyone hate them instead. Kenny just calmly explained what happened, accepted his responsibility in escalating the drama by yelling – and then sternly took Lee aside after his one-on-one time with Rachel.
This kind of drama is far from new for "The Bachelor/Bachelorette," but with Lee's revealed online racism, it's very new – and very much a growing problem. Reality-show villainy isn't fun when it has basis in real-world hate and ugliness – similar to how the drunken sleaze of "Bachelor in Paradise" is no longer mindless silliness in the light of the recent, extremely troubling sexual misconduct allegations. These aren't the conversations "The Bachelor" wants to have, losing its odd reality show innocence in the process.
That being said, I – and I'd guess most viewers – agreed with Will when he topped off this episode by saying, "I don't care about Kenny and Lee ... that said, I will watch." Well said, Will – whoever you are.
Gone
Brady, Bryce and poor, sweet Diggy. If you're having a hard time remembering the difference between Brady and Bryce, Brady was the model who talked about rolling boogers, while Bryce was the guy whose square jaw actually jutted out at 90 degree angles. I checked, using a protractor and everything.
Contenders
1. Dean
You've come a long way since "I'm ready to go black, and I'm never going back."
2. Peter
Being a chill, relaxing, drama-free dude was an easy way to score points Monday night, and that's exactly what Peter did. Just never rap again.
*Peter begins rapping* OH NO PETER! OH NO! NOOOOO! *Peter evaporates into pure whiteness* #TheBachelorette — Matthew Mueller (@aManAboutFilm) June 20, 2017
3. Bryan
The suave Spanish speaker has mostly disappeared since earning that first impression rose in Week 1, but I wouldn't be surprised if that's "The Bachelorette" producers trying to keep their chemistry under wraps and not give too much away. Plus, during their brief time together Monday night, Rachel still seemed totally infatuated as he provided a bit of flirty calm during a testy cocktail party hour. While other favorites are busy falling into drama, Rachel might be busy falling in love with Bryan.
Pretenders
1. Adam
I'm starting to think this is a "Beetlejuice" situation, and if you say Adam's name three times, his creepy Annabelle doll pops up. Then again, people never talk about Adam so OH GOD I SAID IT THREE TIMES!
Adam Jr. hopes you'll join us next week for #TheBachelorette! 🎧 pic.twitter.com/jVdFqnh0sF — The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 20, 2017
*throws holy water* THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
2. Matt
Hey, remember when that guy dressed as a penguin on the first episode? Yeah, he's still around. Apparently his name is also Matt.
3. Jonathan
If anyone ever says you can't do something, just remember that a grown man with the occupation of "tickle monster" made it four episodes deep into a season of "The Bachelorette."
Oh hi, Wisconsin!
Rachel and Peter got to talking about life in Wisconsin – which turned out to be a stealth introduction for Rachel to ask our favorite Madisonian about whether he'd consider living anywhere other than the Badger State. SNEAKY SERIOUS TOPIC ATTACK!
Peter handled it well, though, basically saying he'd move for the right reasons, while Rachel noted that she's technically licensed to practice law in Wisconsin. Rachel Lindsay: coming soon to a courtroom near you?
Line of the night
Josiah was a late contender, saying – in between pulls from his spelling bee trophy/"Game of Thrones" goblet – "With all due respect, Iggy's a b*tch." Points for the hilariously disingenuous "with all due respect" – but points removed for the hard left turn of accusing Iggy of injecting steroids into his man business.
So let's instead give the trophy to last night's overall winner, Dean, who in the midst of casually outing Lee on his racist tendencies, low-key cattily told the camera, "I kind of think Lee is a ... b*tch?" It's the question mark lilt at the end that makes it great, like his brain was thinking, "Do I want to call him a b*itch? Is there a better, more polite word? Eh, screw it." I'm telling you: Dean had a great night.
Mom-mentary
After a "Bachelorette"-free Monday night last week, Madre Mueller seemed a bit out of rhythm this week. My sister, however, picked up right where we left off, figuring out the editing rhythms of the rose ceremony and nicely predicting who would get picked next. "Bachelorette" newbies – *tear gathers in eye* – they grow up so fast.
She also complained about Lee saying, "Yes ma'am" to Rachel early on in the episode, only for Rachel to similarly shut that awkwardly formal nonsense down at the end of the night. These two are on the same brainwave, which bodes well for her pick for Dean to go far. See, I wasn't the only one drinking the Dean Kool-Aid last night!
As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.
When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.