By Matt Mueller Culture Editor Published Jul 30, 2019 at 6:49 AM

Two nights. Four hours. One man. Countless glasses of wine. Zero will to live. That's right: It's season finale time – which means we have to stretch a little bit of drama into a lot of stalling. (Remember: At some point, we're gonna see Crystal and the Goose get married. Well, you'll see that happen; I will be busy walking into Lake Michigan.)

So Monday night's episode of "The Bachelorette" was most of the lead-up and the uninteresting stuff – a lot of live studio segments (death to the live studio segments) and a lot of Harrison ASSURING the audience that this will be LIKE NOTHING YOU'VE EVER EXPERIENCED BEFORE and THE MOST SHOCKING FINALE you've ever seen. Unless a meteor is involved, I doubt it. But just because Harrison and company saved the big stuff for Tuesday night doesn't mean there weren't any highlights during evening one – most notably two great families and one great mystery.

And that mystery is: WHERE IS JED'S DOG FOOD JINGLE!?

I'm getting ahead of myself (BUT CAN YOU BLAME ME!?), so let's start at the beginning, where the three remaining guys – Tyler, Peter and Jed Sheeran – have been standing in a line for two weeks waiting for this final rose ceremony. Finally, it's time to dish out some flowers, and the first one goes ... to Jed Sheeran. The world is very confused. Tyler gets the other, meaning that Peter the Pilot's love story with Hannah has crash-landed before its final destination. Should've windmilled three times I guess. But Peter handles their breakup like a champion, and the two share a nice cry.

This takes approximately four hours – but don't worry, because we're also going to talk to him in the live studio, where Harrison will softball him some basic questions like "Did you really love Hannah?" and "Did you feel emotions that day?" Again: death to the live studio segments. 

It's not all terrible, though – most importantly, Peter's adorable family is back, and they are feeling all the feels. They're lucky they seem so wonderful because otherwise I would be making fun of them A LOT for crying over a woman they knew for maybe a total of 90 minutes. As for the rest of this VERY long segment, Peter drops bombshells like he did indeed love her, that he fell in love beginning at the fireworks in Latvia and that he doesn't regret anything. Well, yeah, I wouldn't regret two months of free globe-trotting vacations and alcohol on ABC's dollar either.

Eventually they do bring Hannah out, and Peter takes a half hour to ask her why she broke up with him. Spoiler alert: She just didn't like you as much as the other two guys left. Love can be mean and fickle that way – especially when you date multiple dudes. We end, however, with the important revelation that Peter and Hannah didn't actually do it two times in that creepy-ass windmill. They did it FOUR TIMES. Cut to Peter's mom and dad in the audience very enthusiastically applauding their son and making everyone uncomfortable. What I would've done for a live picture-in-picture box of Luke somewhere watching this.

But Peter is in the past; it's time for the final two dudes to meet Hannah's family – most notably Hannah's dad, who may or may not be former New Orleans Saints defensive coordinator Rob Ryan. They start with Tyler, and like everyone else on the planet Earth, they love him – even when he talks about how stupid he was in college and how he failed out of a bunch of classes within five minutes of meeting everyone. I MAYBE WOULD NOT LEAD WITH THAT INFORMATION. But he dances, which is clearly a very exciting detail for Mama Brown. Even more exciting? When she asks Tyler how he would handle a disagreement in the future, he gives a great answer (because of course he does). Rob Ryan loves Tyler too – so much so he gives him a kudo at the end of the day. Not kudos – one solitary kudo. But that's something. Otherwise, it goes perfectly ... almost TOO perfectly. It's almost too obvious he's the right pick, so clearly she's going with Jed.  

Speaking of which, it's Jed Sheeran's turn with Hannah's family – and this may surprise you, but he really wants them to know that he's a musician. And Hannah's family is NOT IMPRESSED. Because of course they're not impressed – Jed's own family was eye-rolling him during their hometown visit. Their daughter did not go on "The Bachelorette" and date 30-some dudes so she could end up with a glorified Nashville street busker. But not just any glorified Nashville street busker, he proudly insists; Jed Sheeran also ... wrote a dog food jingle. THE ONE TIME JED DOESN'T HAVE HIS DAMN GUITAR! ABC, I demand we find this advertisement jingle immediately. I need to know what sultry country chords he used to sell Beggin Strips, and I need to know this information five minutes ago. I don't even care about who Hannah picks or the next Bachelor or any of it. FIND ME THIS DOG FOOD AD!

According to the internet (always trustworthy), this is the bit:

Yep, sounds about right – which is to say it sounds terrible and hilarious. Let me tell you: As soon as I heard this jingle, I sped off to the grocery store, inspired to buy my dog a big ol' bag ... of Purina. The only thing that would've been better was if the jingle turned out to be his "Mr. Right Guy" song he's been plucking for Hannah this entire season. 

As you may expect, Hannah's parents are not wildly impressed with their daughter's jingle-singing boyfriend – especially since he seems very locked in on being a musician with a whole bunch of rambling and indirect answers when asked about how he's going to help provide for her in the future. Not that Hannah needs providing for, as she astutely points out, but a struggling Nashville musician who's biggest gig thus far was crooning about dog pellets is not exactly a beacon of job security and stability.

Hannah doesn't want to hear about these logistics, however. She wants her mom and dad to just tell her if she thinks Jed truly loves her. But too bad, Hannah; all you're getting from them is some delicious Southern-fried passive aggression directed at Jed. 

There's still time to make up her mind, however, as it's time for each guy's final date with Hannah. For Tyler, the two take on their hardest challenge of the season: riding a horse. Thankfully the ponies comply this time, and the two share a gorgeous picnic in the scenic hillside. It's perfect and romantic and wonderful – and he is so screwed. It's just too obvious that he's the perfect choice – they've tilted the scales in his favor just so much – that there's no way "The Bachelorette" would come to such a predictable conclusion. Poor guy. They do go up to a hotel room, however, and have a Fantasy Suite 2.0 – this time seemingly with the physical. WHAT, NO CUT TO PETER'S PARENTS THIS TIME!?

Then it's Jed Sheeran's turn, which involves Hannah going on a boat ride for approximately the 47th time this season. Jed, however, was not told about this, so he did not pack a swimsuit and instead lounges around in khaki shorts and a belt like a real dad. Between that and the rocking boat, Hannah gets seasick and spends most of the date perched over the railing waiting to hork into the Aegean Sea. I, too, would have that reaction as a result of spending time with Jed – especially when he starts complaining about the day before and coming THIS CLOSE to saying that her parents don't understand him because HE'S AN ARTIST, DAMMIT! It all definitely reminds Jed of this Kibbles and Bits commercial he once played on the kazoo.

Still, even with the pukey boat ride, the date ends nicely enough. But as Harrison intones, will Hannah get the happy ending she deserves – or will she get the most shocking finale in "The Bachelorette" history? GOSH, I WONDER WHICH ONE IT WILL BE, HARRISON! Oddly enough, Hannah gives a little statement before we call it a night, explaining that it's been an emotional journey for her (we know; we've seen the swimming pool of tears) and that there's been a lot of rumors swirling around, but all questions will be answered Tuesday night.

Boy, does that sound like a preemptive apology for picking Jed. 

At this point, there's two ways I see this season ending. Option one: She chooses Jed and sticks by him, even with the reports that he went onto the show only to  forward his music career (Jed!? WHAA?!) and that he had a girlfriend waiting for him back home after he was done. But much like Becca and Garrett's finale, the two spend the After the Final Rose segment apologizing and explaining that away. Then there's option two – and what seems like the clear choice considering how much we're being promising a "shocking" and "most dramatic" ending: Hannah picks Jed, then dumps him after these reports come out and goes back to either Peter or Tyler. There's no scenario in which she just simply picks Tyler and that's that. Too perfect; too obvious. 

Will I be proven right or a hilarious fraud with a serious wine problem? Will she end up choosing Tyler? Will she resurrect her romance with Peter? Will Jed play a cover of James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" but about Purina Beneful? Hopefully Hannah's season sticks the landing – and doesn't end with America saying, "Woof."

Matt Mueller Culture Editor

As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.

When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.