By Matt Mueller Culture Editor Published Jul 25, 2017 at 1:06 AM

For the better part of two reality-show seasons now, I've been on Rachel's side. Whether as a contestant or as the star, the Texas-based, Marquette-educated lawyer has kept her head on her shoulders and her feet on the ground, while still managing to spark authentic chemistry with guys all over the show. She even made Nick Viall seem natural and fun last season, a blessed miracle up there with walking on water or only having an hour-long episode of "The Bachelor."

But tonight, at the end of tonight's very busy episode of "The Bachelorette," I found myself firmly baffled by Rachel. For probably the first time, I didn't get her.

I'm getting ahead of myself, though, as we head off to Texas to meet Rachel's family. And the boys are visibly NOT thrilled – especially Eric, who's never really fallen in love and hasn't had to meet another person's family in a long time. 

Lucky for him, Peter's up first – but before they meet anybody, they've got to go baby clothes shopping for Rachel's pregnant sister Constance. Taking the supposed commitment-phobe shopping for baby clothes? I see what you're doing here, "The Bachelorette." While they talk shopping strategy, Bryan and Eric gossip back at the hotel, with Bryan revealing that Peter might not propose at the end of this whole thing. "I don't want to knock him," Bryan starts, before then knocking Peter. THIS IS WHY PEOPLE DON'T TRUST YOU. 

Peter knows, however, that his conversation last week with Rachel wasn't exactly a confidence booster, so before they pop into her family's house, he quick chats with her on the porch about his feelings and where he's at. With everyone now calm, we can proceed to meeting the family – sans Rachel's dad again, which I guess is more "sensible policy for judges to remain off TV" and less "I can't believe my daughter is on A SECOND SEASON of this stupid dating show."

And it all goes well! Rachel's family asks about how his parents met, and Peter responds with a LONG emotional speech about his feelings on love. There have been shorter wartime State of the Union addresses, but it works.

The family still has a few questions, of course (this is still reality TV; they're not going to just play "Mario Kart" for the next 20 minutes). Rachel explains that she's still concerned about the potential lack of a proposal; but you know who's NOT concerned? Rachel's mom, who talks with Peter about about why he'd want to marry Rachel, and he explains his very rational, level-headed reasoning for wanting to wait. And her mom gets it, because – really – it all makes a lot of sense, and she passes on a kind-of blessing.

But, truly, the most important development from Peter's visit: COPPER LIVES!

Next it's Eric's turn, and he's obviously nervous, so Rachel calms him down by taking him up the TALLEST FRIGGIN' BUILDING IN THE CITY. Yeah, let's add vertigo to the situation; that should knock the stress right out!

Afterward, they head home, where Eric does his "first meeting on the show" dance, which is losing its charming effect over time but isn't completely powerless quite yet. Constance and Rachel's cousin are not fully convinced (DRAMA!) ... though they're quickly brought to Eric's side after some quick chats (NEVER MIND!). Eric asks for her mom's blessing, and she gives a good answer – one very similar to Peter's but whatever; only so many ways to say, "Sure" – and we leave the house happy.

That takes us to Bryan, whose visit the ads teased as going poorly, with him having to excuse himself from the family table – though knowing this show's methods of deception, he probably just had to go to the bathroom.

After first meeting Rachel's friends – who like his confidence and charm, as well as the fact that they can talk about him like he's not there, and he doesn't complain – it's off to meet the family. And OOOH BOY they've been saving their daggers for this dude.

Rachel's mom peppers Bryan with questions about who would take precedence: his mom or his wife (verdict: the wife, though Bryan still REEEEEALLY likes his mom). Constance and Rachel's cousin can't stop side-eyeing the whole time, and then another family member asks Bryan an SAT question: What does Rachel bring out of you? Discuss. Please elaborate, using at least two sources. 

Judging by her laser stares, Rachel is NOT A FAN of the family's tactics. Meanwhile, the family is not on board with Bryan, who's a little too smooth for them. Still, they eventually calm down – and her mom even gives Bryan her blessing, though it sounds more like Rachel is getting the blessing if anything.

Rachel's mom in this episode, by the way? A-plus. There's a great conversation during this date where it's SO wonderfully obvious that she wants to say, "I don't buy that you can fall in love on a dumb-ass dating TV show." Cheers, Rachel's mom.

But good for Bryan; he survived calmly and got a blessing. Maybe he's not that ... ugh, nope, overly swaggering blown kiss out the window of the SUV. Never mind, Bryan's still the worst.

And then it's off to Spain for fantasy suite dates – aka that part every season where the show tries to pretend it's romantic, but really it's sleazy as hell.

While Bryan plays soccer with some random children and Peter walks past a little girl in a wedding dress (WHAT IS THIS FAKE WORLD!?), Eric gets the first date – and it's great, as the two celebrate the classic Spanish tradition of "helicopters" and go for a stupidly scenic ride over the gorgeous terrain. Then they stop at a beautiful hillside church, where there's a wishing bell of some kind. Eric makes a wish, but it's Rachel who's really got one on her mind: Eric busting out the L-word. 

At dinner, she does everything humanly possible – other than maybe playing the game, "What Words Rhyme With Dove?" – to lead Eric to saying "love" ... and finally it works. Eric says he loves her, and they open up Chris Harrison's envelope for some cozy time in the suite – complete with Rachel in an adorable onesie the next morning. 

Peter's up next at a vineyard, where the two are greeted by the sweetest little Spaniard. He tells the couple cute things and sings them a lovely song ... in Spanish, which Rachel and Peter definitely didn't understand. The show tries to sell that Rachel could pick up key words, but don't play, "Bachelorette"; we know a translator was popping in between sentences to help out. I SAW THOSE BLANK FACES.

Anyways, the man gives them a wine locker and sets them on their way – until a precious little girl shows up ... AT A WINERY?! Sure, checks out – and so does her guardian being totally chill about two random strangers with a camera crew chatting up her daughter and then heading off to stomp grapes together. How spontaneous! So the two stomp around and make delicious grape squeezins, all while reminding me of that legendary viral grape stomp lady video.

Unfortunately, the date doesn't stay all cute and viral video fun. No, the engagement conversation returns – full force.

See, Peter views an engagement as marriage, as a full commitment for the long haul and something of which you're emotionally, 100 percent sure. Meanwhile, Rachel sees it as basically advanced dating but with a fancy ring attached. For her, an engagement is still a time to work things out and figure out how you feel – and I just can't. I can't really register getting on one knee and proposing to somebody with the idea that you'll figure things out more afterward.

I know Rachel went into this show wanting a husband and a family, to start that part of her life – and fair enough! But it seems startlingly short-minded to seemingly put a commitment over certainty, romantic gestures over the genuine emotions they should reflect.

No matter the case, I'm worried Peter's doomed – or at least that he's not going to get any Rachel-in-a-onesie time. 

Contenders

1. Bryan

Bryan got the least screen time of the three finalists, which meant there was little time for him to slurp Rachel's face. Translation: BEST EPISODE IN WEEKS.

2. Eric

He had a good week, and he's flown under the radar enough that it seems possible he could sneak into the winner's role. Yawn.

Pretenders

1. Peter 

I know, I know – it's too obvious! The show's playing the drama between the two so hard right now, it'd be too predictable for Peter to be gone. But really, no one else is remotely close to having the struggles Peter is currently having – and if Rachel wants an engagement now (and apparently got it, according to the tabloids) Peter couldn't be the right pick ... right? 

Oh hey, Wisconsin!

A Wisconsin reference this week, as Peter's parents fell in love in Milwaukee! Never underestimate the aphrodisiac-like powers of beer and cheese curds. 

Line of the night

I guess Peter hates Bryan – and possibly hates Miami too, saying it's the land of "fake boobs, fake asses and fake cheeks." But tell us how you really feel, Peter.

Mom-mentary

The Mueller family ladies were fully Team Wisconsin this week, all fans of Peter taking his time to commit to marriage and his definition of engagement, rather than Rachel's rushed rendition. Also important? Peter brought the best flowers to Rachel's house. Eric's looked rumpled, and we don't even remember if Bryan brought any period. But Peter's flowers? Strong bouquet game.

Matt Mueller Culture Editor

As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.

When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.