"Of course Vegas is the place to roll the dice on love," says Becca in the opening moments of Monday night's new episode of "The Bachelorette." Have we really learned nothing from Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, Becca? Las Vegas is the place you roll the dice on love – and then within the following 24 hours, sober up and get an annulment. So actually, yes, this is the perfect destination for "The Bachelorette," resume show, as you were.
After five minutes giving viewers a guided tour of the Aria hotel and its incredible views (money well spent, Aria advertising department!), it's time for the episode's first date: a one-on-one with Colton, who keeps surprising me every Monday night by not being Blake Griffin.
He's excited for this date with Becca, but he admits to the camera that he's maybe not as experienced in relationships as others may be. And in case Colton's being too subtle about what he means, the producers cut away to a shot of a road sign that says "Virgin River." Truly a work of art, ABC. I look forward to when we're on fantasy suite week, and you start busting out your "North By Northwest"-inspired symbolism.
In case that wasn't enough, the two spend the first half of their date humping (no, that's not right) riding humps (come on, Matt, focus) riding humped camels, who keep pulling them apart during their gallop across the desert. Thankfully, they come back together in time to cool off – and what better way to cool off after an adventure in the desert than ... a hot tub? This is just irresponsible; these two are going to get a heatstroke and die.
Becca and Colton, however, manage to stay hydrated and continue their date into the evening, where he opens up his past relationships – mainly that he struggles to say "I love you" because he said that to a former girlfriend who shortly after broke his heart. Pain is love for Colton ... and not just because he's still a massive Ja Rule fan. (Timely reference, Matt.)
But why are talking about Becca, Colton and the co-founder of the infamous Fyre Festival when we could be talking about the episode's main event: Summon me Michael Buffer, because Zoolander Jr. and Chicken Man are READY TO RUMBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL! (*plays Jock Jams on repeat*)
After weeks of tension and jabbing at one another, of course there's a two-on-one this episode between the two biggest rivals amongst "The Bachelorette" bros: David and Jordan, who are invited out to "the valley of fire" (this episode is incredible) with Becca. David, in particular, seems very cocky coming into the head-to-head date, constantly pestering Jordan and nagging him with pointed questions. He seems very smug for somebody who, just a few weeks ago, broke his face while sleeping.
The tension only continues to simmer as they head out on their date, awkwardly enjoying the silence of the desert before David decides to make his killer move: He pulls Becca aside and immediately goes into a rambling speech about how Jordan's not there for the right reasons and how, earlier during their Vegas arrival, he was talking about all the models he could be with and how being with Becca is "settling." Apparently, this is the rare case of what happens in Vegas actually staying in Vegas, because at no point did we see any of this Jordan douchbaggery. Is David a liar? Or is ABC withholding? Oddly enough, I kind of think it's the former – and even if he's not a liar, Chicken Man's coming off like quite the smug weasel. Is Jordan ... the good guy here?
Becca takes Jordan aside to give him a chance to explain himself – and boy, it's like Zoolander Jr. was waiting all day for this moment. He immediately starts going into a motor-mouthed speech like he's pitching himself to her in a boardroom meeting. I half expected him to pull out a powerpoint presentation. And despite Jordan's potential honesty about his family's history of mental illness and poverty, it's hilarious – because every single sentence out of Jordan's mouth sounds like he has no idea how it will end. All he knows is that the topic is him, the best topic.
Between the two, I nominate Becca leaves them both in the desert, doomed to be hunted down by Immortan Joe on the Fury Road. But instead, after having to play kindergarten teacher, settling the two man-children down and taking several long annoyed walks into the mountains (it's quite possible she'd rather take her chances wandering aimlessly in the desert than have to hear the two dudes bicker anymore) Becca decides to say goodbye to David. He's left to become fried chicken out in the desert, with only a bungalow to protect himself from the elements and the nuclear smugness radiating off of Jordan.
While Jordan may be out of the desert, however, he's most certainly not out of the woods. Becca kept him around, but she's not convinced he should get a rose on this date, so the two go out for dinner. There, Jordan's personality can hopefully shine without the rivalry with Chicken Man getting in the way. Unfortunately (but delightfully) it's Jordan getting in Jordan's way this time, immediately diverting every conversation toward himself. Here's a taste of this glorious conversational chemistry:
Jordan: So what's a weekend like for you?
Becca: Depends –
Jordan: (interrupting) Me too!
When he's not mastering the art of flirtation, he's also talking about – what else – his modeling career, desperate to show Becca his portfolio and noting that "Zoolander" is much more realistic than you's expect. He would know: He's still haunted by losing several of his closest friends in a horrible slushee/gasoline fight explosion.
In general, it's a hilarious date – but Becca's not there to be entertained. She's there to get engaged, and there's no hope there with Zoolander Jr., so Jordan's shown the door as well. He takes his dumping well, disappointed that Becca didn't see his great qualities – including his ability to walk and talk. (Real missed opportunity there, Becca.) Some tragically ironic fireworks go off on the Vegas strip, while word of Jordan's demise gets back to the rest of the bros at the hotel – and they start celebrating like they're just won the World Series. I wouldn't be surprised if there's clips somewhere of them spraying champagne all over the place.
Honestly? I'm kind of sad. Jordan was a terrible partner for Becca and an idiot – but boy, was he a glorious idiot. He was a terrific villain and delightful quote machine, and I will miss his nonsense every week.
But you know what they say: When one douche closes, another douche opens. Enter Chris R.
For the group date, the remaining fellas meet up with Becca on Wayne Newton's giant peacock-strewn mansion, where Mr. Las Vegas himself comes riding in on a valiant steed. He takes the fellas aside to teach them about the power of song, crooning his classic "Danke Schoën" twice – once just to the guys and the camera, then once with feeling to his wife. He asks which one is better, and it's definitely the latter – partly because of the emotion performing to his loved one, but mainly because he's no longer staring straight at the camera, unblinking and unmoving, haunting my nightmares.
Now it's the fellas' turn, as they must write new lyrics to the famous song for Becca. Leo, aka Jason Fauxmoa, tries one of his lyrics on a nearby horse, who immediately bails. Not great! Wills is also struggling, but he's also wearing a man-romper so he's doing fine. For Chris R., however, this is all easy; after all, he's already had to write Becca a song under the eye of a famous singer this season, so the guy's basically Bob Dylan at this point.
But that's not all! Summon the tuxedos, because the dudes also have to perform their newly written songs at an actual Wayne Newton concert. And boy, are they awful. Their nervous and pitchy voices don't exactly help turn the lyrics into poetry, and I think we set a record for most awkward pacing back and forth on network television. Much like Las Vegas itself, it's an assault on the senses. I'm not complaining, though; over-testosteroned dudes humiliating themselves in the name of fake televised love is exactly why I am here.
Chris R., however, manages to survive with his dignity marginally in tact. His song sucks, but at least he tries getting the crowd into it and selling his lyrics with performance. He does so well, though, that he thinks he doesn't need to, you know, actually converse with the woman he's supposedly dating. And – surprise – when it comes time to hand out the date rose, she forgets the couch potato and hands it over to Blake.
Thus begins Chris R.'s descent into villainy.
After immediately complaining that he's going home, he hogs all of the time with Becca at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party – including trying to steal some extra time from Wills. Being the better man, Wills allows it for a few minutes – but when he comes back to say time's up, Chris R. refuses to leave. With a stone-cold killer attitude, Wills finally gets Chris R. to just go away, immediately turning on the charm with Becca like a champ and then returning to the fellas sipping on tea like Kermit the Frog's somehow sassier cousin. You could say where there's a Wills, there's a way – and for Chris R., that way is toward the exit.
Or so I thought. Apparently after killing off Jordan and Chicken Man in one foul swoop (or perhaps ... fowl swoop?) the producers must've decided they had to at least keep one annoying dude on the show. So instead of sending Chris R. home, John gets the axe. You remember John; he was ... around. Anyways, R.I.P. John. As for Chris R., "The Bachelorette" is clearly grooming him to be the villain for the next few weeks – but he's really not much of a bad guy. He's just irritating and whiny and witless.
In short, he's no Jordan. I miss you already, you golden-haired, golden-underpantsed genius moron.
As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.
When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.