Sexy Halloween costumes. Some people love 'em. Some people hate 'em. Some people want Halloween to remain rooted in terror, while others love the inherent liberation in pretending to be something they're not (or something they wish they could be).

There is a lot of chatter around the internet about which costumes SHOULD never be made sexy. But I'm telling you these costumes COULD never be made sexy. Try as you might, no amount of midriff, no length of skirt, and no hue of lipstick in these costumes will ever inspire arousal from the opposite sex.

1. Excel spreadsheet

Individually it would be easy to think that the words "spread" and "sheet" could lead to something sexy, but put them together and physics takes over, changing the chemical properties of the two words into a costume that could not possibly be made sexy.

2. A pea

I like peas. I eat 'em every week. But even I have to admit the taste of peas might best be described as a dull funk. And let me tell you, dull funk are two words that have never come near the word sexy. I could imagine a two peas in a pod costume could be made sexy. A singular pea, though? Sorry buddy, but you might as well put on your "staying in" pants.

3. Jabba the Hutt

Some people find power sexy, but one of Star Wars' most powerful gangsters, Jabba the Hutt, can not possibly be made sexy. Try as he might, licking his lips and waggling his tail, it's hard to imagine anything arousing about an oversized, turd-shaped worm.

4. Portable toilet

You're at an outdoor festival. You've had a few beers to drink. You excuse yourself to "take care of some business." Does anybody ever approach a port-o-potty with anything less than a hint of dread? One ingredient of sexiness is anticipation, but you'd be hard pressed to find anybody who would find one of these mobile waste stations sexy. If this was your plan, maybe grab some red spray paint go as a sexy Tardis instead.

5. Rubik's cube

Sexiness comes in all shapes and sizes, but how does cubed sound to you? Maybe not. Sexiness requires a few more curves and a little more finesse. Even Jabba the Hutt has a little bit of a slither that I rubix cube could never pull off. And besides, try these pick up lines on for size:

• "Hey, baby, I'd twist your blocks."
• "What's say you and I go back to my place, solve one side and see where it goes from there?"
• "How about I break you apart with a hammer so I can figure out how you work?"

See? Not sexy.

6. Pet hoarder

Cat costumes are sexy. Cat lady costumes may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I will grant that there is still a possibility of sexiness. But a pet hoarder? Not sexy. The costume would include a cat-created cowlick, a mouth slathered in dog kisses, a sweater covered in pet fur, and the light smell of stale ferret pee. No matter how short the skirt, it all acts as a negative charge to attraction.

7. Webinar

The word "webinar" may rank as the worst portmanteau in history. It also may rank as the least sexy costume of all. What does a webinar costume look like? I'm not sure, but you'll have to actualize constant email reminders, stuttering video, an echoy, droning lesson in marketing, and an inadequate amount of coffee to get you through it.