I admit I have recorded my share of unnecessarily wordy voicemail greetings, but I pledge never to do it again. Why? Because I have encountered way too many attempting-to-be-clever voice mail / answering machine greetings that are, among other things, just plain annoying.
In my perfect world, here is a list of voice mail greetings that would be against the law:
1. Greetings with music. Trying to record music on an answering machine or voice mail always sounds terrible. If I want to hear music, I’ll listen to my iPod, not my cell phone.
2. Greetings with children. A word or two from a cute-voiced kid is one thing, but having that kid orate the entire message in inaudible toddler speak is another thing.
3. Couples greetings. Maybe I’ve been married too long and forgot about the hand-holding-along-the-beach-shore stage of a relationship, but I find myself miming the international hand symbol for “I wanna barf” whenever I hear couples making answering machine greetings together.
4. Scripted voicemail greetings of any kind. “We’d love to come to the phone right now, but unfortunately we’re too busy changing diapers” or “Can’t come to the phone right now because we’ve relocated to Uranus” or anything remotely like these greetings are a bad idea.
5. Greetings with the computerized voice. Come on, too much personality is annoying, but take two minutes to record a straightforward greeting. The computerized voice makes callers wonder if they dialed the right number. And it’s creepy.
Molly Snyder started writing and publishing her work at the age 10, when her community newspaper printed her poem, "The Unicorn.” Since then, she's expanded beyond the subject of mythical creatures and written in many different mediums but, nearest and dearest to her heart, thousands of articles for OnMilwaukee.
Molly is a regular contributor to FOX6 News and numerous radio stations as well as the co-host of "Dandelions: A Podcast For Women.” She's received five Milwaukee Press Club Awards, served as the Pfister Narrator and is the Wisconsin State Fair’s Celebrity Cream Puff Eating Champion of 2019.
