By Matt Mueller Culture Editor Published Aug 01, 2018 at 7:46 PM

Ever feel like there's a random national day for every single day of the year, hashtagging its way across Twitter and giving publications excuses to list things? (HI!) Well, that's because, according to the National Day Calendar website, there is – often times a solid handful of random celebrations packed into one 24-hour period. 

Some of them make sense. National Taco Day? Any excuse to eat tacos is fine by me. National Beer Lover's Day? Sure, cheers to that, too. National Coming Out Day? A noble cause if ever there was one. But some of them are just bonkers, either obviously fake creations or obvious evidence that the shady Illuminati society behind all these national days might have too much time on its hands. 

Here are the ten weirdest days you can technically celebrate in the month of August. 

National Grab Some Nuts Day

When: Aug. 3

Named by an immature fifth grader, National Grab Some Nuts Day is a tribute to tasty legumes of all kinds – even though there's already a National Peanut Day (Sept. 13), National Pistachio Day (Feb. 26), National Almond Day (Feb. 16) and the list goes on. Seems kind of redundant! The beginnings of this national day are unknown, according to the National Calendar Day website, but I believe it actually originated as National Marshawn Lynch Appreciation Day. 

National Work Like A Dog Day

When: Aug. 5

This holiday makes no sense, mostly because the phrase behind it – "work like a dog" – makes no sense. Did the person who invented this phrase ever actually meet a dog? Because I've had one as a pet and puppy-sat many a time over the years, and they don't do ANY work. (Unless, of course, we're talking about those sled-racing dogs or the dog from "Wishbone.") They just sit and sleep and eat their food and eat YOUR food and bark at any other living creature and go to the bathroom – which YOU have to help them with. 

But in case the phraseology wasn't confusing enough, National Work Like A Dog Day lands ... on the weekend. On a Sunday, at that! Stupid secretive Illuminati society, trying to take away my literally god-given day off. 

National Fresh Breath Day

When: Aug. 6

In a good, just and civil society, every day should be National Fresh Breath Day. Still, taking time to think about oral hygiene (the day's intended purpose) and put a little extra effort into your daily dental care routine is a good cause. Though maybe don't put it on the same day as the cavity bomb of National Root Beer Float Day?

National Sneak Some Zucchini Into Your Neighbor’s Porch Day

When: Aug. 8

Uhh, is this some kind of weird, gross sex euphemism the kids are using these days? Otherwise, this is a VERY oddly specific national day, though apparently zucchini are in harvest during this month. So that part makes sense – but the need to Secret Santa one onto your neighbor's deck to celebrate that fact? Less so. Also, how the hell is anybody supposed to make #NationalSneakSomeZucchiniIntoYourNeighborsPorchDay trend on Twitter?

National Lazy Day

When: Aug. 10

Another excuse to mail it in at work on a Friday?! DEAL!

National Presidential Joke Day

When: Aug. 11

Oh dear. Well, this one just writes itself. Also: Has the Calendar Illuminati heard of Twitter?

World Honey Bee Day

When: Aug. 18

OK, this one's not that goofy. Honey bees are important – and they're legitimately in trouble. But there's just no way I can hear of this holiday's existence and not immediately think of this: 

Never Bean Better Day

When: Aug. 22

Never Bean Better Day, that famed national holiday dedicated to – yes, you guessed it – dogs. Apparently one dog in particular, named Bean, who is a very good boy serving as a therapy dog in Pennsylvania, but the love extends as well to all therapy dogs, and dogs in general, helping their owners and their communities with unconditional love and support. Boy, now don't I feel like a jerk for all that stuff I said about dogs before ... 

National Just Because Day

When: Aug. 27

OK, this one is just a lack of effort. The Calendar Illuminati just weren't even trying on this. If you don't have a reason to come up with a national holiday, then JUST DON'T MAKE UP A NATIONAL HOLIDAY! Back in my day, we walked uphill to school both ways in the rain, the TV only had three channels and we only had one holiday every fortnight – and we were fine! Harrumph! 

Plus ... aren't ALL of these randomly assigned national holidays basically National Just Because Day?

National Diatomaceous Earth Day

When: Aug. 31

Why not end the month on a celebratory note with that time-honored holiday: National Diatomaceous Earth Day, a day dedicated to that natural mineral you use to filter your swimming pool and repel insects. Who doesn't remember, as a child, working on your National Diatomaceous Earth Day costume (aka a big slab of construction paper made to look like a rock)? And gathering the family around the table for that classic National Diatomaceous Earth Day meal (aka licking rock salt)? And reading those beloved holiday stories (aka Peter Kasten's "Thesis on the Absorbency and Stabilizing Qualities of Diatomaceous Earth")? 

All jokes aside, you should definitely still throw a party for this holiday. For one, this stuff is commonly used in the filtration of beer. And secondly, it opens the doors for a lot of tremendously groan-able "rock this party" puns. 

Honorable Mentions

  • National Wiggle Your Toes Day (Aug. 6): Are Rex Ryan and Quentin Tarantino in the Calendar Illuminati?
  • National I LOVE My Feet Day (Aug. 17): But seriously, ARE THEY!?
  • National Kiss and Make Up Day (Aug. 25): A sweet sentiment, as well as thankfully not on the same date as National Garlic Day.
Matt Mueller Culture Editor

As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.

When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.