Ever feel like there's a random national celebration for every single day of the year, hashtagging its way across Twitter and giving publications excuses to list things? (Hi, it me.) Well, that's because, according to the National Day Calendar website, there is – often times a solid handful of random celebrations packed into just one 24-hour period.
Some of them make sense. Groundhog Day on Feb. 2? A classic. National Drink Wine Day on Feb. 18? Any excuse to knock back a bottle of pinot at my desk in the middle of the day is fine by me. (Wait, I still can't do this?) National Wisconsin Day on Feb. 15? WOO! But some of them are just bonkers, either obviously contrived creations or merely evidence that the shady Illuminati society behind all these national days might have too much time on its hands.
Here are the 10 weirdest days you can technically celebrate in the month of February.
1. National Football Hangover Day
When: Feb. 4
Yes, this is a real thing – a day of rest and recuperation after the Super Bowl, coined and made official by ESPN host Katie Nolan. Back in my day, we just called this a "sick day" with those sarcastic air quotes in 72-size bolded font. But if the New England Patriots win Sunday's big game – and make no mistake, they will, because this is 2019 and everything is awful all the time – I'm one thousand percent behind this. We, as a nation, will need a day of mourning and of hiding from Boston fans.
2. National Hemp Day
When: Feb. 4
So here's a story: Back when I was in college, I had a pair of Toms Shoes – because, for some reason, well-intentioned footwear that looked like old yoga mats folded and stapled together were very popular, and I am very susceptible to peer pressure due to my lack of a spinal column. However, nobody warned me that these particular shoes were at least partially made of hemp – and therefore smelled aggressively like weed when I wore them for some time. And if they had warned me, I would've hoped for it to happen BEFORE I walked into the OnMilwaukee office for the first time, meeting my co-workers and bosses in-person for the first time while reeking of that good kush. Thankfully nobody noticed (apparently) and I still got the gig that I still have today. Ditched the shoes, though.
Anyways, thanks for indulging this bit of story time – and a reminder that the only true National Hemp Day will always be 4/20.
3. National Create a Vacuum Day
When: Feb. 4
The perfect holiday for outer space, the guy who invented the Dyson (it doesn't lose suction!) and literally no one else.
4. National Shower with a Friend Day
When: Feb. 5
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... what? Whoever invented this needs to be a watchlist or registry somewhere.
5. National Toothache Day
When: Feb. 9
Oh great, a national day dedicated to insufferable, annoying mouth pain that affects your every chew and breath, and can only be fixed by going to the worst place on the planet: the dentist. (No offense to the dentists of the world, but actually offense very much intended because I hate you.) I look forward to National Stubbed Toe Day and Papercut Appreciation Month as well.
6. National Clean Out Your Computer Day
When: Feb. 11
But what if I like all my 471 mostly unused tabs? After all, I never know when I might once again have to remember who played in the 2011 Beef 'O'Brady's Bowl (it was Florida International and Marshall) or who won Best Sound Editing six years ago ("Zero Dark Thirty" and "Skyfall" – that's right, a tie!). I need that info at my digital fingertips.
Same goes for all of the files and photos saved on my desktop, making my home screen look more cluttered than a map of the stars copied on top of the world's hardest connect-the-dots puzzle. THE CLUTTER MAKES SENSE TO ME! It's called organized chaos. Plus, I like knowing I have the photo of Jason Kendall's 1999 injury ready and raring to go whenever I need it. (Which so far has been never, BUT YOU NEVER KNOW!) In short, I reject this national day.
In unrelated news, it takes seven minutes for my laptop to load the Google homepage. That seems normal.
7. Singles Awareness Day
When: Feb. 15
As one who's easily spent a majority of my Valentine's Days single and alone, who once spent the most romantic day of the year in a sold-out movie theater watching the latest Nicholas Sparks love story while eating a large pepperoni pizza all by myself, I very much approve of a day dedicated to singles. Valentine's Day can be a stressful, excluding and lonely experience for those unhitched, and it only seems fair to have a reminder that being single isn't a blight to your worth.
That being said ... couldn't we have called this Singles Appreciation Day? Or National Singles Day or even just the nice and clean Singles Day? "Singles Awareness" sounds like it should be attached to a medical PSA for some contagious illness. "Do you binge through every new Netflix show the weekend it's released? Have a repulsion toward wearing pants around the house or apartment? Then you may suffer from a common condition known as single-itis? But hope is here – ask your doctor about Tinderix."
8. No One Eats Alone Day
When: Feb. 15
Another well-intended national day, No One Eats Alone Day is a nonprofit-invented initiative aiming to teach kids in school to welcome new people and new friends into their lives and embrace inclusion. That's good!
But can we talk about the phrasing of "No One Eats Alone." Feels kind of like an overdramatic way to put it – and its snappy declarative-ness reminds me way too much of You Only Live Once/YOLO. You just know this was concocted by a "hip" guidance counselor who sits backwards in his chair during school assemblies and says things like, "If someone offers you a joint, just be like Ariana Grande and say, 'Thank you, next,' amirite?" Terrible. You just know he wanted to turn No One Eats Alone Day into a hip acronym with NOEA, but realized there's no way to say that without sounding like you're suffocating on your own tongue.
9. National Do A Grouch a Favor Day
When: Feb. 16
Allow me to speak for all the grouches in the world and say that our favor is "go away and leave me alone."
10. National Public Sleeping Day
When: Feb. 28
Or, as it's known to pickpockets and thieves, Christmas.
As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.
When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.