Ever feel like there's a random national day for every single day of the year, hashtagging its way across Twitter and giving publications excuses to list things? Well, that's because, according to the National Day Calendar website, there is – often times a solid handful of random celebrations packed into just one 24-hour period.
Some of them make sense. National Milk Day on Jan. 11 and National Cheese Lover's Day on Jan. 20? I'm from Wisconsin, so of course there's no argument here. National Hangover Day on Jan. 1? Well, that just makes too much sense. National Religious Freedom Day on Jan. 16? A noble cause if ever there was one. But some of them are just bonkers, either obviously fake creations or merely evidence that the shady Illuminati society behind all these national days might have too much time on its hands.
Here are the 10 weirdest days you can technically celebrate in the month of January.
1. National Fruitcake Toss Day
When: Jan. 3
A Christmas fruitcake has many uses. You can use it as a doorstop. You can use it as a dartboard. Save up enough loaves, you can use it as building material for a small shed. Heck, if you're real desperate, you can even eat it.
But I think the fine people of Manitou Springs, Colorado, found the best possible use for this impossibly dense holiday dessert: shot put!
Ever since 1996, the city has hosted a fruitcake toss, seeing who can hurl the technically edible snack the furthest. There are five categories – balance, accuracy, speed, distance (as tossed by hand) and distance (as tossed by slingshot contraption) – and while I don't know what the winners receive, I'm quite positive the losers have to have their cake and eat it too.
2. National Thank God It’s Monday Day
When: Jan. 7
Ugh. The Calendar Illuminati may be some super secret organization, but you know EXACTLY who came up with this day. His favorite cereal is Shredded Wheat – not frosted, just the grain squares – and when he brings bagels for the office, they're all plain and he didn't bring any spreads or cream or butter or jelly. He wears an off-white shortsleeved collared button-down. Yes, there are pens in the front pocket; yes, that pocket is protected. He's way too excited for the work holiday party. He uses all of the word effects for his PowerPoint presentations. His favorite part of any video game or DVD is probably the menu screen. He loves "NCIS." And his name is definitely Doug.
Well, fine, DOUG, I will love Monday. But I hate you – and anybody else who is thanking the heavens for Monday. If you're excited for Monday, you're a cop.
3. National JoyGerm Day
When: Jan. 8
There are plenty of ways to say "be nice to others." Spread the love. Share the joy. Kindness is contagious. Pay it forward. Good begets good. Why the Calendar Illuminati would go with "JoyGerm," the only one that sounds like a cheap dish soap brand, I do not know. Plus, the word "germ" never sounds good. No one ever sounded happy about catching a germ.
4. National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friends Day
When: Jan. 11
National Step in a Puddle and Splash Lose Your Friends Day. Fixed it.
5. National Vision Board Day
When: Jan. 12
Instating a special day dedicated to creating a vision board, a place to put your goals and aspirations? Makes sense. Putting that day right when everyone's definitely given up on their New Year's resolutions? TOO much sense.
6. National Dress Up Your Pet Day
When: Jan. 14
About two months ago, my girlfriend and I bought our first puppy. His name is Charlie, he's a Jack Russell terrier/whippet mix and he's not just a good boy – he is the best boy. (Sorry, all other dogs, but there's no arguing with cold hard biased opinion.) Before we got him, however, I laid down one rule: We would not dress up our dog. Dogs already come with their own sweaters; it's called fur.
So, of course, Charlie now has a larger wardrobe than yours truly – including a hoodie that says "Oh Snow You Didn't" on the back.
But here's the real twist: I'm completely, 100 percent FOR IT. I am a total convert. Puppy clothes are absolutely adorable, they keep your doggos warm during the winter, and when you take your pooch outside, they help distract from the fact that you're probably going to have to pick up its poop in a bag any minute now. Oh snow you didn't, indeed.
7. National Nothing Day
When: Jan. 16
Again, if you don't have an idea for a made-up national holiday, then just DON'T HAVE A MADE-UP NATIONAL HOLIDAY! We already have a National Just Because Day! The National Day Calendar says it was created to "provide Americans with one national day when they can just sit without celebrating, observing or honoring anything." So you made up a national day ... in honor of having no national day. To celebrate ... not celebrating anything? MY BRAIN HURTS!
Plus, there ARE still national days on Jan. 16, including National Religious Freedom Day. So that's either rude – or some snarky commentary from the resident atheist in the Calendar Illuminati.
8. Library Shelfie Day
When: Jan. 23
This silly day, dedicated to arranging your book collection, seems innocuous enough. Plus, I'm total weirdo who loves neatly organizing things – well, only the stuff that matters, like movies or sports teams, not like my apartment or my finances – and it comes with a cute little pun. What's to dislike?!
Then I read the National Day Calendar's description, which says, "However our books are organized on the shelf, on Library Shelfie Day, they are meant to be photographed and shared on social media." Nope, pretty sure they're meant to be opened and read! Finally – the perfect holiday for anyone who completely misunderstood the library scene in "The Great Gatsby"!
9. National Have Fun At Work Day
When: Jan. 28
DOUG STRIKES AGAIN! Seriously, dude, stop trying to convince people to enjoy grinding away another day at their job. In the immortal words of Don Draper ...
10. National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
When: Jan. 28
So here's a holiday story, just in time for no longer the holidays: One Christmas Day, while opening a gift, a little boy – let's call him "OnMilwaukee culture editor Matt Mueller" – noted that he liked bubble wrap so much, he would accept a whole box of the packing material. The boy didn't mean the statement seriously, just as joy-drunk joke and exaggeration for dramatic effect. However, cut to the following Christmas, the boy opened a new gift – and not just any present, but the largest one under the tree that year – to discover not the LEGO set he wanted or an Gamecube but sheets upon sheets of plastic packing bubbles. And at that moment, the boy learned a valuable lesson: never say you like anything ever again.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my villain origin story – and I hope you enjoy National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day. I know I can't, UNCLE AL!
As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.
When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.