Recently, I had many versions of the same conversation with my kids. I have tried to explain to them that just because something is true, doesn't mean it needs to be stated.
One of them is a vegetarian who loves to remind you of this fact and asks, almost every time you prepare something, "Is that vegetarian? Because I'm a vegetarian."
I tell the kid: You can say that, but you will sound like a jerk.
My other kid is a know-it-all – just like I was (am?) – who consistently corrects the grammar of other kids his age. For example, here's a typical comment from him:
7-year-old friend: I felled down the stairs.
My kid: You mean you "fell" – not "felled" – down the stairs.
On the one hand, he is simply taking advantage of a teachable moment with little Jimmy, but let's face it, if he really becomes that kid, he's destined for a good ol' fashioned locker stuffing.
I tell him this, but he insists that "it's true" and therefore OK for him to correct Jimmy's grammar.
You can say that, but you will sound like a jerk.
It's the same with adults, too. I don't have a television, but (even though I am about to state this here) you will rarely hear me say, "I don't have a TV" because it sounds pompous and self-righteous and like I sit around translating ancient Greek literature into Swedish every Saturday night or writing 300-page e-books about chess openings.
Plus, the few times I have said, "I don't have a TV," people usually follow up with some borderline shameful comment like, "Well, we don't watch very often. In fact, we rarely have it on. Come to think of it, I have no idea where it's even located in my house."
(I watch Hulu, people. You think I was going to miss Will Ferrell on "The Office?")
The same goes for natural childbirth. Unless you are certain another mom had one, don't bring up yours. I mean, sure, you can brag about your beautiful, drug-free waterbirth with the Native American flute music to the mom who had the 88 hours of labor followed by the triple epidural and the puke-inducing c-section, but you will sound like a jerk.
I recently became a fan of Hannah Hart's "My Drunk Kitchen" episodes which feature the adorable 24-year-old getting drunk on whatever's in the house while "cooking" whatever's in the fridge. And she's the one who says that when people tell you they made something from scratch, they are actually saying they are better than you.
You can tell someone you made those dark chocolate bacon pumpkin pistachio cupcakes from scratch, but – say it with me – you will sound like a jerk.
Molly Snyder started writing and publishing her work at the age 10, when her community newspaper printed her poem, "The Unicorn.” Since then, she's expanded beyond the subject of mythical creatures and written in many different mediums but, nearest and dearest to her heart, thousands of articles for OnMilwaukee.
Molly is a regular contributor to FOX6 News and numerous radio stations as well as the co-host of "Dandelions: A Podcast For Women.” She's received five Milwaukee Press Club Awards, served as the Pfister Narrator and is the Wisconsin State Fair’s Celebrity Cream Puff Eating Champion of 2019.
