For a night and a half, "Bachelor in Paradise" moved on. Dramas had some momentum. Mild chemistry sparked. A joke or two even landed. The DeMario and Corinne drama was now happily in the rearview mirror, and the show could stop handling the scandal in the most tone-deaf and disingenuous ways possible, exploiting sexual misconduct allegations for as much drama as possible without actually wanting to honestly address it.

But objects in the mirror are closer than they appear, and Tuesday night, the allegations roared back in the biggest trainwreck in this unending montage of self-inflicted trainwrecks, a night where the show attempted to distract audiences from sexual assault allegations by throwing both a wedding and now a baby at them. It was a night of surprises, the biggest one being I somehow managed to not break my television and then walk into the lake.

But let's start with the decent part, aka the actual show.

The Krisdeana drama from the night before is still felt, with the one thing she definitely doesn't need is another girl to compete with for attention. So CUE A NEW ARRIVAL. This time, it's Sarah from Nick's season, and she's got her eyes trained hard on Adam, who apparently spent the night with her AND Raven in Dallas during the shutdown. Like ... a sexy threesome night? Raven charges through talking about the night by noting that, the next morning, apparently Adam and Sarah were all cuddling and cute BUT YOU ARE AVOIDING THE REAL QUESTION, RAVEN! Was there sexy threesome time? Did Adam's creepy doll watch? I expect another very special studio audience episode next week to get to the bottom of this.

Anyways, despite Sarah and Adam's post-potential-threesome cuddle session, Raven is falling for Adam and would rather not have to share him on "Paradise," so she and the rest of the ladies sell Sarah very hard on Ben. There's a fire sale on dates with Ben, and EVERYTHING MUST GO. Whether it's just a pity party or they actually see potential between the two, the ladies cannot be more about Ben. So what does Ben do with this golden opportunity, this new lease on love, this prime chance to get a new start and impress a new arrival?

He talks about his dog. Because Ben's brain is filled with dog photos and Beggin Strips. Dogs don't even think about other dogs this much. 

So yeah, the hard sell on Ben gets a hard pass from Sarah. She hands her date card off to Adam, where the two have a nice dinner out on the town – as soon as Adam gets her name right and calls her Sarah to the camera instead of Rachel.

Rewind the tape, cue Adam actually getting Sarah's name right and resume the date, where the two have a nice, natural conversation in which Sarah says she's assertive and goes all in on relationships. She asks if he would've called after their snuggle in Dallas; he uses a kiss to say yes before the two go out dancing. In Sarah's words, it's like "a Nicholas Sparks novel come to life ... plus guacamole comes with everything" – though hopefully it's not like that one Sparks novel where her best friend ends up being a ghost.

Meanwhile, Lacey is having a bad time – and you want to feel bad for her because she's saying super sad things about how the guys are seemingly going out of their way to be not interested in her, but oh lord, she cries and complains a lot. No one feels worse for Lacey than Lacey, and it's exhausting. But things are looking up because she gets her first date card, which she sees as a ticket out of the friend zone.

Ben gets first dibs ... but nope, hard pass, probably because Lacey is not his dog. Matt's turn ... and hard pass again, due to reasons of not wanting to get choked by Jasmine. However, Matt does at least say Diggy would be a good match, so Lacey takes the date card to him – and he's in. Do not adjust your television sets: We're getting extended Diggy screentime this episode!

The couple takes off on one of Jorge's Tourges, a beautiful horse ride through the countryside down to a gorgeous beach. It also means a third wheel who talks about how he was conceived on that very beach. Not the finest ad for Jorge's Tourges. However, our eager tour guide at least figures out how to make an exit, and Lacey and Diggy make out looking upon the lovely beach. 

Lacey comes back happy, feeling great and feeling like nothing could possibly go wrong. AH HA; YOU'VE TEMPTED THE CRUEL GOD OF WELL-TIMED EDITING, who punishes her joy and hubris with another new lady arrival: Dominique, who shows up all shimmying and looking very good to the guys. Lacey, who never needs much of an excuse to be high-strung and crying, is nervous she's already lost her seemingly promising boyfriend – and even more nervous that Taylor is pitching Diggy to Dom as we speak. Which she is. Taylor is low-key devious about hooking Dom and Diggy up, and the two oblige by going on a date where they very sexily eat strawberries and make out in a pool. 

Meanwhile, Lacey cries. Even that monsoon from last night's cocktail party was like, "Jeez, can we settle with the water works?" Still more tragic, though, is that nobody seems particularly bothered by it. She may not even go here; she might just have a lot of feelings. And with Diggy and Dom's date going so swell, she may be having those feelings from home very soon.

While we're on the topic of feelings, Danielle M. is not particularly feeling the vibe of the show – and while she and Wells are talking cute at the bar and making relationship pacts, she's also received word of an opportunity to travel to Africa and help communities there as a nurse. So, with that offer on the table and no real tempting offers keeping her on "Paradise," Danielle decides to bail from the beach and head on a much more magnanimous trip – all the while sounding modest and understanding about how this experience turned out.

At least on the way out, though, the show gives her a little taste of love, as dear off-limits Wells walks her out and seals her time on the show with a kiss. She swoons. America swoons. It's great. 

And then those swoons immediately die into silence as – god dammit – we're talking about Corinne and DeMario again. We're FOUR EPISODES into this season; the time to give something resembling real answers was a long time ago. By now, the world has tried to move on and simply enjoy your very silly, very stupid dating show – and you won't let them. And even on its fifteenth attempt to address the situation, Chris Harrison and "Bachelor in Paradise" still can't come out and do it right, starting the segment off by awkwardly having Derek, Diggy, Robby, Raven and Jasmine on a studio stage together, seemingly picked at random, to discuss their time on the show – not the controversy at first, just their time on the show.

Eventually, Harrison stops smirkingly asking softball self-congratulatory questions like, "How was 'Paradise'?" and asks about the controversy – but no one's saying anything particularly different from that awkward meeting on the beach last week. And none of these people were involved in the actual incident, so it's all a waste of time.

"I'm sorry," the show chimes in. "Did you say waste of time? Because we haven't even gotten to this extra half hour dedicated to Evan and Carly!" Indeed, after two minutes of conversation about the controversy, "Bachelor in Paradise" literally throws a marriage at the audience in the hopes that they don't have to talk about the scandal anymore. And in case that wasn't enough, Evan and Carly use the moment of discussing sexual misconduct allegations to announce to the world that they're pregnant – complete with a live ultrasound taking place on stage and WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING ON THIS SHOW!?

Evan & Carly's kid: What was it like when you found out about me?
Evan & Carly: Well sexual misconduct shut down the....#BachelorInParadise — Matthew Mueller (@aManAboutFilm) August 23, 2017

Listen, "Bachelor in Paradise," don't feign honesty and then buffer it with weddings, babies and infomercial-esque user testimonials. Either have this conversation about the allegations or don't. Preferably don't, because it's clearly well beyond your depths. 

So yeah, after oohing and ahhing at a baby, the show gets back to the topic of sexual assault, bringing out DeMario to explain himself. The whole thing is queasy: hearing the studio audience laugh at DeMario saying that the two "got turnt up" before the alleged assault, and then wet-eyed listening to him quote Michelle Obama in talking about how he's overcome the sexual misconduct he allegedly committed. If you're looking for solid, new and honest information, "Bachelor in Paradise" once again fell short, providing little more than emotional pleas and elusive attempts at answers. On the other hand, if you wanted to watch a room apologize to DeMario for his own actions and praise him for moving on from his own alleged sexual misconduct ... 

Once again, the segment takes a moment to make sure the world knows this was all the media's fault for blowing this out of proportion and gossiping – never mind that the show is STILL exploiting the entire situation for viewers, kicking the story down the road for yet another week as Corinne is set to hit the studio couch during next week's episode.

Listen, nobody expects a silly, light and fake show like "Bachelor in Paradise" to handle this topic particularly well – much less at all. Nobody needs "Bachelor in Paradise" to go all Zapruder film on its own controversy. And nobody is still talking about this story, as the investigation is over. Nobody except "Bachelor in Paradise" – whether it's for the headlines or for exonerating its own conscience.

And now the season that almost didn't exist feels like it barely exists anyways. 

Gone

Danielle M., who was always too good for this show.

Mom-mentary

Still in Europe. Still abandoning her son to watch this mess on his lonesome.