By Matt Mueller Culture Editor Published Jul 10, 2017 at 11:36 PM

I don't know if this counts as a scoop – I definitely haven't seen much about it – but did you know there were two contestants named Adam and Matt still on "The Bachelorette"? I know; me neither!

We definitely found that out during tonight's delayed episode – thanks a lot, America's birthday – as much of the episode was dedicated to the less-than-dynamic duo fretting about getting sent home before hometown dates, and Rachel deciding between the two, a scintillating and thrilling human drama on par with Rachel picking between Crispix and Puffed Wheat for breakfast.

The surviving six studs were quickly whisked off to Switzerland and into some tense drama: Rachel has three one-on-one dates, as well as one triple date, planned before next week's hometown visits. This is where we meet Matt and Adam, who are both eager for hometown dates but also nervous about how much time they've spent with Rachel. Adam's pretty confident he'll get a one-on-one date, though, probably because he hasn't been watching the show. If only you knew your creepy baby mannequin has had more screen time than you. 

Anyways – surprise! – Adam doesn't get the first one-on-one, instead it went to Bryan (again!). He quickly changes into a GQ magazine cover, and the two head off to a Breitling watch shop for some product placement. There, Rachel buys them both watches, which REALLY turns Bryan on. Bryan must really like watches – and his clock says it's business time, so the two intensely make out right there in the watch shop. Who knew wristwatches were such an aphrodisiac? Never read that in Cosmo (not that I read Cosmo ... I regret this joke). 

The newly be-watched Rachel and Bryan then head to dinner, where Bryan talks about his family and how his mom thought he was a rebellious troublemaker because he wanted an earring (nice save, Bryan's mom!). Also: Bryan's really into the idea of Rachel's private schoolgirl uniform. We're learning a lot about Bryan's fetishes tonight. That aside, though, the two have shockingly smooth conversation, ending in them dancing and very slurpily smashing their faces together in what looks like a set from "Beauty and the Beast." 

Meanwhile, Adam and Matt talk about how much they want a one-on-one and to take Rachel to their hometowns. Literally nobody cares.

Despite Adam's confidence, however, once again Rachel picks someone else for the next solo date: Dean, who got a RAW DEAL on the dates this week. Bryan got a freaking free watch and dinner in a candle lit palace; Peter goes into gorgeous mountains. Meanwhile, Dean goes to church and then on a Sunday walk through a creepily abandoned Swiss city. Maybe the locals heard a semi-sleazy reality show was coming to town and boarded up all the windows. No matter the case, it's a lame time.

Dean didn't exactly help his cause, though, thanks to the fact that he is TERRIFIED about Rachel meeting his family. There was a shot where Rachel is in a clock tower, looking out on the city in wonder, while next to her Dean is staring straight at the camera PETRIFIED IN FEAR. He's so awkward that, when Rachel gets to asking about his family and life, he artfully dodges by asking about the tooth fairy. Then he blankly laughs a lot. I was convinced his brain died.

Thankfully, Attorney Rachel shows up and pries some truth out of Dean – and it's intense and surprisingly sincere for this show, with Dean talking about how his relationship with his father soured after his mom died. It's a conversation so real, things turn around, he gets the date rose and the two even make out a bit in front of approximately the 47th shot of a giant water fountain in Geneva.

About 13 fountain shots later (fun fact: it's called the Jet d'Eau), it's time for the final one-on-one date. Surprise! It still isn't Adam. Nope, it's Peter, which means Eric and the two other dudes who supposedly exist are going on the triple date – with only one getting a rose. Or maybe two will get a rose, Adam hypothesizes, because Peter isn't coming back. He must've seen the previews for this episode that make it look like Peter leaves Rachel in a teary mess!

Unfortunately for them, the people who edit the teasers for "The Bachelorette" are big stupid liars, and Peter's date – a trip into the Alps where the fountain establishing shots can't find them – goes fine. He's almost overly honest about his reservations, past experiences and concerns, but really, the only troubling moment came when he tried to assure Rachel that his parents will be fine with him dating a black woman, and he seemed inches away from saying that his parents would've voted Obama for a third term if they could, a la "Get Out." This ends with Rachel yelling at Peter to give him the damn keys and somebody taking some deer antlers to the chest. 

Otherwise, the date goes well, and Peter gets the rose, which means BRING BACK THE "OH HI, WISCONSIN" CATEGORY; WE'RE GOING TO MADISON NEXT TIME! Let's bet: Over-under two shots of dairy cows?

Cue four more fountain shots – seriously, if you did a shot for every glimpse of the Jet d'Eau, you'd be drunk before the first commercial break – and cue the group date to France (man, seriously, poor Dean). Eric, The Guy With The Eyebrows and The Guy With The Eerie Doll sit down at a cozy chateau, where the latter gives a speech about how her date card said their day would be difficult, but he doesn't believe in difficult. Whatever that means, bro. Anyways, everyone politely nods, Rachel grabs Eric for some one-on-one time and *looks at notes* Adam smiles down at the ground like a very proud and very creepy serial killer. Matt was probably in some shots too, but really, who knows.

Unlike the show, which dragged out this non-drama about two cardboard cutouts for nearly the entire back half of the episode, I'll cut to the chase: Matt gets the boot, followed by Adam. Matt takes it like a polite champ, and Rachel cries a lot over a guy who once dressed like a penguin and then never said another word. On the other hand, Adam pouts about how Rachel made such a dumb decision and he doesn't understand how this could've happened. Oh, I know: YOU BROUGHT A CREEPY DOLL TO A ROMANCE SHOW, DUDE. You and Annabelle's twin brother deserve each other.

Anyways, I've already forgotten these guys' names – partly because they're boring guys who the "Bachelorette" editors never did any work to characterize and partly because my brain melted during the preview for next week when HOLY CRAP THAT'S DEAN'S DAD!? I'm very certain Dean's father played that wizard in "The Hobbit" with the bird poop in his beard. Should make for an intriguing episode!

Gone

I'll miss you, Alex and Mark. We've gone through so much together. Like that time ... uh ... well, nothing's coming to mind right now, but give me an hour. 

Contenders

1. Peter

The show keeps hinting at Peter pulling a mild Vanessa from last season, getting all antsy about the concept of the show and about whether he actually truly loves Rachel and all sorts of other fake tension to distract from the fact that he's TOTALLY GOING TO WIN. Either that, or he's the next "Bachelor" – but we know how this drama worked out for Mrs. Viall last year. 

2. Bryan

Bryan had a great episode – but oof, that next week preview clip. Remember how Nick met Rachel's family during hometown dates, and he actually handled the race conversations fairly well? This ... ain't that.

Pretenders

1. Dean 

We all love Dean, and the fact that he's overcome the "I'm ready to go black, and I'm never going back" whoops to become a fan favorite is inspiring enough to be adapted into an Oscar bait drama. But he's just so young – and his behavior tonight when he got nervous about his family revealed that horrifically. I mean, who asks a grown-ass woman if she believes in the tooth fairy? That's the best topic change you could come up with while sitting in the middle of Swiss grandeur!?

2. Eric

The fact that the show lumped him with Alexei and Michelangelo thinking he could plausibly be at risk against them tells me he might be in trouble. 

Line of the night

I very much enjoyed Bryan noting, "It's very romantic," before a smash cut to a weird old Swiss man cranking music out of a cart. But the winner here is Rachel, who responded to Alejandro's nervous question about if she sees a future with him with a blunt and brutal, "Yeah, that's why you're still here." And that's also why he's now gone.

Mom-mentary

Madre Mueller had a nice solution to this episode's boring drama with Aristotle and Mistoffelees – wait, Adam and Matt! I remember now! Anyways, they should've axed at least one of them in the last episode – preferably Adam, since he was such a bro brat on the way out – and KEPT KENNY AROUND! America misses Kenny. Kenny was the best. 

Matt Mueller Culture Editor

As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.

When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.