By Matt Mueller Culture Editor Published Jan 07, 2019 at 9:26 AM

The first big awards show of the season arrived last night, as the Hollywood Foreign Press Association threw its annual party, poured a whole lot of fancy booze and occasionally handed out a trophy. 

By now you've probably already read who won the awards – but who cares about winners and losers when there are REAL winners and losers to note. Who's beginning to write their Oscar speech, and who's realizing they don't have to bother making one at all? Who became a good meme? Who became a bad meme? What are "The Kominsky Method" or "A Very English Scandal," and do I need to add them to the 20-page list of TV shows I'm supposed to be watching? WAS THAT NEW "GAME OF THRONES" FOOTAGE?!

Yep – but let's talk about a show that was actually on television last night. Here are the real winners and losers of the 2018 Golden Globes.

Winners: "Green Book" and "Bohemian Rhapsody"

I'm going to say this a lot – and considering I'm about to write 1,000-some words, maybe I'm just lying to myself – but the Golden Globes don't mean anything. The mysterious Hollywood Foreign Press Association does not share any voters with the Academy, and as far as predictors go, the Globes are only slightly better than a dart throw. 

That being said, winning is never a bad look this time of year – and "Green Book" and "Bohemian Rhapsody" had the most desired looks of the night, scoring the two Best Picture wins for Best Comedy-Musical and Best Drama, respectively. (Yes, "Bohemian Rhapsody" won Best DRAMA. OK then.) The two also performed well in the other major categories, with the race drama winning Best Screenplay and Best Supporting Actor for Mahershala Ali while Rami Malek nabbed Best Actor for the Queen biopic. "Green Book" got to cement itself as a true Best Picture contender amidst a lukewarm box office rollout and some critical shellackings, while "Bohemian Rhapsody" is riding some late unexpected momentum to join the top prize conversation at just the right time.

A lot can change between now and late February – and again, it's just the Globes – but this morning, we're using the words "Green Book," "Bohemian Rhapsody" and "win" in the same sentence, which is where movies like "A Star is Born," "Black Panther" and "The Favourite" wanted to be. 

Losers: "Green Book" and "Bohemian Rhapsody"

Did I mention a lot can change between now and late February? "Green Book" and "Bohemian Rhapsody" now hold the titles of frontrunners – but I'm not sure they're going to want to be there. 

Being the frontrunner means the spotlight switches from warm on Sunday night to harsh Monday morning. Suddenly, is your movie TRULY good enough to a Best Picture? What did your speeches say? Why don't you want to talk about director and alleged sexual predator Bryan Singer, "Bohemian Rhapsody"? (Expect that story to get much louder over the next few weeks; frankly it's shocking it's been this quiet so far.) Both movies ride feel-good, fun emotions to success, but with almost two months now to overthink and analyze, those happy feelings could easily give away to their many, many flaws (the retrograde race commentary of "Green Book"; the bullet-point biopic storytelling, history-bending and borderline homophobic approach of "Bohemian Rhapsody" – not to mention the Mike Myers scene). 

This period of awards season isn't for vetting ... but it's pretty much for vetting, viewing these movies with a sharper eye. And while "Green Book" and "Bohemian Rhapsody" are nice movies, I'm not sure they can hold up to the intense scrutiny of frontrunner status. They're now the movies to beat – and there's plenty of ammunition to beat them with. 

Winner: Surprises

The number of awards and precursors, not to mention the small industry of professional Oscar prognosticators, means that generally, by the time the Academy Awards rolls around, everybody knows who's going to win before the red carpet even rolls out. You want to know why ratings keep going down? Maybe it's because everything feels preordained a month in advance. Sunday night's Golden Globes, however, threw several most appreciated wrenches into the predictable proceedings.

"Bohemian Rhapsody" went from a Best Actor nomination and maybe some technical nods at most to finding itself potentially in the Best Picture race – and speaking of Best Actor, Malek's win is likely making presumed frontrunners Viggo Mortensen and Bradley Cooper sweat. The Best Actress race was always going to be a fun contest between Lady Gaga and Olivia Colman from "The Favourite," but now Glenn Close has staked some ground after the true upset of the night, winning for "The Wife." (A real movie that was definitely in theaters!) Even the very deserved win for "Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse" in Best Animated Feature was a surprise, beating out heavy hitters from the House of Mouse. (We'll see what happens at the Oscars, though, as this category's been notoriously unwelcoming to outsiders and unconventional animation styles.)

All the awards shows and prognostication tends to suck the unexpected out of the season – so I appreciate the Golden Globes making things more interesting at the end of the night, not less. 

Loser: "A Star is Born"

Boy, if there was ever an awards show for "A Star is Born," you'd think it would be the Golden Globes hosted the notoriously starry-eyed HFPA. And yet, by the end of the night, the music industry melodrama came away with just a single trophy (Best Original Song for "Shallow," duh) while another musical swindled the spotlight during the evening's biggest moments.

I doubt "A Star is Born" will have such bad luck the rest of the way – the movie's a hit, the names are big and even skeptical audiences walked out moved – though you must wonder if the movie's grip on frontrunner status is as firm as it was Sunday afternoon. People don't feel like they have to vote for a movie and they don't like making predictable picks – and boy, has "A Star is Born" felt predictable and anointed since day one, between a Hollywood hotshot making his directorial debut, a pop queen making her big cinematic breakthrough and the story's inherent legacy.

It's felt like "A Star is Born" just had to show up to win this season. Sunday night showed it'll maybe take a little more work than that. 

Winner: Sandra Oh

The jury's out on Andy Samberg and Sandra Oh as a hosting pair, but when it comes to just the latter, Sunday night's verdict was unanimous: She rules. Her dry deadpan helped cut through some of the blandly friendly "We're just so happy to be here" humor of the opening bit, which she also closed out with a nice shoutout to the increasing diversity in the room that made the internet swoon. But her real winning moment came during, well, her winning moment, accepting the award for Best Actress - TV Drama with her parents standing and applauding at their table.

In a night low on real memorable moments, Oh noticing her proud parents from the stage was an obvious high. 

Loser: Chrissy Metz

Normally the drama is reserved for the stage – though this is the Golden Globes and they do pour generously – but poor Chrissy Metz found herself in the middle of the worst kind of excitement before the show even began. As the red carpet was wrapping up, rumors began flying that the "This Is Us" star was caught calling "GLOW" lead Allison Brie a "b*tch" on a hot mic – and everyone ran with it.

The truth eventually won out, with the audio clearly hearing Metz say "babe" and most of the inflammatory tweets and articles corrected or deleted, but surely receiving a few celebrity stink eyes and having to tweet out a saddened clarification is not how Metz wanted to spend her Golden Globes night. Plus, if this was a real tiff, we would've gotten Metz and Brie on stage at the same time as the cast of "This Is Us" announced Brie's category of Best Actress. Because fate is just a manipulative drama queen that way. Alas, not to be – because there was nothing there to begin with.

Winner: Fiji water girl

Listen, she just wanted to make sure everyone was properly hydrated. It's very important to drink water when you're out drinking – and Fiji water girl was THERE. Most of Hollywood woke up fine this morning thanks to this mystery hero. Well, not Bill Murray. Bill Murray, and his buddies Moet and Chandon, appeared to be having a night.

Loser: Hosts

Nobody wants to host awards shows – it's a thankless gig, trying to be funny while also not stepping on the wrong people's toes, and everybody thinks you sucked the next day no matter what. Did you see the look on the celebs' faces when Samberg and Oh joked that one of the winners would have to host the Oscars? Legitimate fear. 

And you know what, awards shows shouldn't want a host either. I don't need 10-15 minutes of mediocre stand-up comedy to kill any awards show hype I had coming in. I don't need people to "wittily" present the presenters. I don't need to be wondering, "Hey, whatever happened to (enter hosts' names here)?" at the show's two-hour mark. It's all just keeping us away from the reason we're there: honoring great art – to the point that the Oscars will give out some awards during commercial breaks instead of cutting some 20-minute comedy schtick. 

Ditch the hosts and focus on the movies. Show clips of the nominated performances and films – actual clips, not just basically the trailers like the Globes did Sunday night. Awards shows are just ads, anyways, so stop being so coy with the product – and stop paying hosts to do a job nobody wants and nobody needs. Unless it's some combination of Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph. Then host away!

Winner: Satan

Typically awards shows are god's party; he gets all the shoutouts and appreciation on the stage, while the devil is left sulking by himself in the back of the room at the CBS table. But last night found the Most High and the Prince of Darkness on an oddly equal level as, for probably the first time, Satan scored just as much gratitude as God thanks to an oddly Cockney-ed Christian Bale tossing in a shoutout to Lucifer during his acceptance speech for Best Actor – Comedy or Musical for his transformative turn as Dick Cheney in "Vice."

Unusual – but what else would you expect on a night when a Bryan Singer movie wins big?

Loser: Christian Bale's kids

When he wasn't busy thanking Satan for his inspiration, Bale also gave a shoutout to his two kids, "Banana and Burrito." His children's names are actually Joseph and Emmeline ... but try telling their classmates that. Their nicknames shall be Banana and Burrito FOREVER.

Winner: Carol Burnett

The word "icon" gets thrown around pretty loosely these days, but when it comes to Carol Burnett, the term is utterly earned – and she lived up to her legend giving her speech for her lifetime achievement in television. Her words were funny, earnest and all too true when it comes to not letting the past disappear and the value of entertainment's predecessors. "The Carol Burnett Show" tragically vanished from television or any streaming services – partly because comedy changed, partly because the variety show doesn't even exist anymore or make sense to younger generations – but Burnett herself better not be going anywhere. 

Loser: Dick Van Dyke during Burnett's speech

Dick Van Dyke, who is 93 years old, was last seen happily tap-dancing on a desk in "Mary Poppins Returns," while I was last seen laying on my couch, trying to train my dog to bring the remote control to me so I wouldn't have to get up and find it. He's doing better at almost 100 years old than most people at half that age. But for one brief cutaway shot during Burnett's speech, America got real concerned for him.

Winner: Jeff Bridges

Jeff Bridges seems like a top five famous person who'd be a delight to have a beer and hang out with – and his speech receiving the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award was all of that and more. It was the Jeff Bridges-est speech, charmingly rambling from the traditional thanks (even his longtime stand-in got a nod!) to the far less traditional long-winded boat metaphors. At least ... I think it was a boat metaphor? All I know is that Chris Pine loved it – and if the best Chris is happy, then I'm happy. 

Loser: Anybody trying to learn anything about the Oscars 

Just a gentle reminder that nobody who votes for the Golden Globes also votes for the Oscars! Also just a gentle reminder that "The Revenant," "Avatar," "Babel," "Les Miserables" and "American Hustle" won Best Picture in their respective years at the Golden Globes – feel free to ask them about the awards show's predictive powers. Just last year, "Three Billboards" and "Lady Bird" won the night's big prizes ... and then went on to lose to "The Shape of Water."

So don't freak out; awards season is long, and we've only just begun. 

Matt Mueller Culture Editor

As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.

When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.