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Nick Viall preps for the Women Tell All on last night's episode of "The Bachelor." (PHOTO: The Bachelor Twitter)

The Bachelor Rose Rundown: Three hours, two finalists, one dull nightmare

Karma, like Nick Viall, can be an asshole.

After hearing me complain about last week's hour-long non-episode, the fates must've decided, "Well, if he didn't like that super-short episode of 'The Bachelor,' surely he'll appreciate THREE HOURS of it!"

As it turns out, Fates That Be, I did not – though, in fairness, while it may have been three hours long, it only felt like 14.

Monday night's "Bachelor"-pocalypse began as all network television airing at 7 p.m. should: with a gleeful orgasm montage. Yes, rejoice America, because during her fantasy suite date with Nick in Finland, Raven finally got to visit Valhalla – and celebrated by awkwardly prancing around Finnish streets, high-fiving the locals and behaving like she was trapped in the opening credits of some terrible, overly cheery children's sitcom. I mean, good for her; she deserves to be satisfied, but did we really have to reenact "(500) Days of Summer" in the most fake, uncomfortable and immature way possible?

Meanwhile, Nick went off to have sex with two other women.

Yeah, the show tries to make it seem more romantic and meaningful than that, but putting the sex right up front made it impossible for last night's episode to hide its inherent sleaze factor.

Rachel was next, with the two galavanting through Finland on a reindeer-drawn sleigh and talking about love and life. She talked about how guarded she can be about love, so Nick – a three-time "Bachelor" loser, remind yourself – mansplained love to her and also jokingly called himself a minority in one of his more tone-deaf moments. And this is the same guy who shipped a woman off almost immediately after talking about her dead ex-fiance, so the bar for tone-deafness is so low, it's underground somewhere by Earth's mantle. Apparently, all this works on Rachel, because she coyly says that she's falling in love with him, and the two canoodle in the fantasy suite.

The next morning, while Rachel wears the most delightful penguin onesie, Nick leaves to boink his third different woman in as many days. Such a swooning romance on this show!

Vanessa gets the final date, which was revealed to be chilling quite literally in a pool of freezing water. Vanessa's reaction that she wanted to "murder Nick, chop him up and feed him to the reindeer" didn't, uh, exactly inspire confidence in the date, but she warmed up to it by the end. And admittedly, it was pretty cute initially. By hour five of the two bouncing back and forth between an icy pool and a sauna, however, I was rooting for hypothermia to strike.

But while Vanessa no longer wanted to ax-murder Nick "Fargo"-style, the date still remained icy – especially after Nick talked about how "traditional" Vanessa is, by which he means ... she has traditions? Like eating lunch with her family on Sundays?

What Nick is trying (and desperately failing) to say is that she's Canadian and he's American, and he doubts either of them wants to move – especially him because "he's proud to be an American," where at least he knows he's free, presumably. One would've thought moving was a consideration after going on a nationwide televised search for love four times now. The two eventually progress and spend a night in the fantasy suite – but, judging by next week's clips, this conversation is far from over.

"The Bachelor" finally wrapped up with a rose ceremony – and I don't want to blow your mind, but Rachel didn't get a rose. That's right: The woman who we've known for weeks couldn't win Nick's heart just failed to win Nick's heart. What a dramatically inert shocker. I wonder what watching this show would've been like without the "Bachelorette" self-spoiler; like if we'd all be AMAZED Vanessa was still around.

But while "The Bachelor" may have ended, the night was only one-third over, because it was Women Tell All time – and boy, what a nightmare. Before watching, I had been told by a colleague that the Women Tell All episodes tended to be the most entertaining of the bunch, and that colleague is now burning in hell for lying.

It was two hours – TWO HOURS! – of the women inaudibly bickering over one another about nothing, Nick visiting the few "Bachelor" viewing parties that wouldn't spend the night just vigorously slapping him and the producers dragging out lame fights from the past season, while Chris Harrison awkwardly tried to plug a new Katherine Heigl movie. It was beyond bad television; at points, it was a sensory assault, two hours of dull loud squabbling – so much so Harrison had to condescendingly whistle everyone quiet at a few points – that eventually settled into loud droning static.

And they didn't even rip on Nick enough – even people like the Danielles and Kristina, who had more than enough ammo to just demolish Nick for our collective joy and amusement.

The only things to take away:

1. Taylor is still bad at debate. The Women Tell All spent about half its runtime fanning the dead embers of Taylor v Corinne: Dawn of Jacuzzis, and Taylor continued to dig herself a hole – somehow seemingly getting all of the ladies more mad at her than Corinne.

2. What is everyone's problem with naps?

3. SERIOUSLY, WHY ARE YA'LL SO MAD AT NAPS!? I did not like the amount of anti-nap sentiment coming from my television last night. Of all the terrible things Corinne did on the show, napping would not make the bottom five.

4. Who the hell was Elizabeth? Why was she talking so much last night and saying things like "unleash your Khaleesi" and "slob kabob"? Were you even on the show? SHE DOESN'T EVEN GO HERE!

5. Liz – the one who hooked up with Nick at a wedding before the season started – had, like, three inspirational speeches during the night. I know I was supposed to go "YAAS QWEEN!" at the end of them all because she was making astute feminist points, but my reaction was more this grumpy lady in the corner:

And it stayed that way for the rest of the night. Last night was a waste of everyone's time – but I suppose if I had four words to describe this past season of "The Bachelor" ...

Gone

Rachel, finally – and I feel terrible for feeling that way. Rachel was a bright, awesome contestant who actually brought out some personality in Crispix-bland Nick; and for the past two or three episodes, "The Bachelor" rendered her absolutely pointless. Her goodbye with Nick was one of the more genuinely emotional moments of this entire season (not too difficult a feat, but still), though you barely felt anything because it was the most predictable thing to happen on this show since somebody not being there to make friends.

I'll never understand why the show sabotaged her – and itself – for the "Bachelorette" announcement. And speaking of things I'll never understand: HOW COULD NICK VOTE HER OFF AFTER SEEING HER IN THAT PENGUIN ONESIE!? She should've worn that to the rose ceremony. No way you could send that adorableness home. Real strategic misfire there.

Contender

1. Vanessa

Readers of these recaps know that I've been predicting (and fingers-crossed hoping) that this season ends with Nick being sad and alone yet again. But the question remains: How? Would he pick none of the women and just walk into the Finnish wilderness never to be seen again? Would he choose that wedding photographer from earlier in the season? Would he get hit by a small meteor?

But here's my official prediction: I think, in the end, he picks Vanessa, but she hard passes because she's not sure if he completely loves her or if he loves her just more than Raven. The show's really pushing Raven hard, with no road bumps in their relationship, while Vanessa and Nick have seemingly been making harrumphy stares and intense conversation for about five years now. But everyone saw from the beginning that Vanessa was one of the favorites, so I think that was all just a smartly edited smokescreen to make the obvious less so.

So there, that's my prediction – though I'm definitely rooting for the meteor one.

Pretender

1. Raven

She may lose, but hey, at least she finally got her orgasm.

Oh hi, Wisconsin!

Yet again, nothing. And the show even set him up to make a Sconnie reference while he was talking with Vanessa pre-Finnish Polar Plunge, but instead, he mentioned the brutal winters ... in Chicago. TRAITOR! WE LET YOU ROLLER SKATE IN OUR ART MUSEUM!

Line of the night

Originally, line of the night belonged to – of all people – Whitney. Yeah, remember her!? After two months of silent, unremarkable "Bachelor"-ing, she came onto the Women Tell All special spitting fire, namely when she tried to settle Corinne v Taylor: Dawn of Jacuzzis by saying, "I think you are both condescending in your own ways."

But then ...

WHY DID YOU EVER LEAVE US!?

Mom-mentary

During Raven's orgasm parade, Madre Mueller politely tuned out of Monday night's episode (thank GOD!). "They're not even being subtle about it anymore," she noted, explaining in past seasons, they just shut the door and let your imagination do the work – maybe they spent the night watching "The Great British Bake-Off" or playing cribbage?

Sadly, nothing that happened for the next two hours and 57 minutes did much to win her back, her only commentary throughout the night just variations of "He's so boring." The only thing that snapped her back into the show was Rachel's removal – not because she was enrapt or feeling any emotions. No, she was just concerned that she didn't have her coat. Once a mom, always a mom.

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