(Editor's note: The following blog is intended for mature audiences).
When I started this sexy little endeavor a few weeks ago, I envisioned it as a dialog and not a monologue. Well, the first letter has arrived in the inbox and it was worthy of attention. As always, if you have a question or a comment, feel free to e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.
In the meantime, here is our first letter:
I am not currently in a relationship. I don't have a lot of close female friends. Therefore, I don't have anyone else to ask a question that has been puzzling me for a long time concerning masturbation. I'm not talking about it from a male standpoint. I'm practically a Ph. D. in that department. I want to know about your side of the ledger:
I know women masturbate. I've heard the jokes about toys, vibrators, etc.
My question is about the particulars -- frequency, fantasy and urgency. How often do women feel the need "rub one out?" Do women use porn in this endeavor? Do women still feel the need to when they are in a relationship and "getting some" on a regular basis?
Are "toys" always involved, or is that only for "special occasions." Same question applies, I guess, to lubricating agents. Do women fantasize about specific people they know, strangers, co-workers? Do women ever feel the urgency to "take care of themselves" in the car or in the office bathroom, etc. What about the timing? Is this something relegated to the end of the day? Is a nap required afterward or can it be a way to jump start a day of shopping, working out, etc.
These are the questions that try men's souls.
Well, they make me curious, anyway ... I'd appreciate your input.
It's interesting to hear that female masturbation is such a curiosity to men. I guess it's not all that surprising, but thanks for bringing it up. I hope the following answers some of your query on the topic.
You've heard all the terms -- "assault on a friendly weapon," "milking the monkey," "juicing the mango," "flute solo," "ménage a moi" and, in honor of tomorrow's opening day game, "batting practice."
All right, are we all finished giggling now?
Masturbation is one of those things that make us blush. It always has and probably always will. When I brought your e-mail questions to the attention of some female friends, they laughed then got really quiet.
When I asked some male friends the same questions, I sat back and waited for the jokes to fly. Much to my surprise (and relief), they started telling me that they had tried bringing up the topic with girlfriends in the past and got little to no response.
Jeez ladies, no wonder they have so little idea about what they are doing down there. If he's asking, TELL HIM!
Clearly, you're not alone in your curiosity. One of my girlfriends did finally open up and said that she thinks men are curious about female masturbation not because they are intrigued, but rather that they are intimidated.
"They feel like they are being replaced" is the phrase she used.
Have little fear guys, the majority of us will still chose you over batteries.
Like men, the particulars of self-pleasure for women depend highly on the individual. How sexual a person you are is definitely a factor. And unfortunately despite the fact that it will give no absolution to your questions, it's probably the answer to most of them.
How often do you have the opportunity? If you're swamped at work/at home, unfortunately sex often takes a backseat and likely so does double-clicking your mouse. I don't know many women that would put off paying bills, grocery shopping or hitting the gym for a quick touch and go. Maybe during a quick shower when we get back home ... otherwise it's not something most women plan an afternoon around.
Female masturbation, or "petting the kitty" as I've heard it fondly referred, has undoubtedly become a more accepted topic in recent years. The Kinsey Report, released more than 50 ago, claimed that "92 percent of males reported having masturbated as opposed to 62 percent of females." I can say with very little reservation that far more than 62 percent of the ladies are "slippin' the kitten" these days.
Here's why I'm so confident with that statement -- maybe you know women that have gone to or hosted a sex toy party or two in the past couple of years.
If you've never heard of this or attended one, here's the premise: After a couple cocktails, a room full of women sit around laughing and chatting while a saleswoman toting a suitcase stuffed to the gills with sex toys, lubes and vibrators shows us the ins and outs, shall we say, of tricks and tools for great masturbation and sex.
Though we giggle and tease each other while passing around vibrators shaped like petting zoo animals, when it comes to the point of purchase, we really think about this stuff.
"Do I want the little rabbit-shaped one with the whiskers that tickle the clitoris? Do I need the pocket vibrator for long flights? Are anal beads really something my boyfriend could get into?"
Seriously, we not only think really hard about what we want, but we spend a ton to get it. You'd be amazed what a dolphin vibrator and some tingling lube will cost a girl these days.
But we're out there, we're spending and it's not because we thought a nice shiny gold vibrator would look great with our new shoes. It's because we, like you, like to get off.
Unlike men, our orgasms are not that easily defined.
For some of us, it's more elusive that just stepping into the office restroom and rubbing one out, as you so eloquently put it. If these toy parties are any indication, not only are we women masturbating, but many of us do need or at least like the assistance of a toy. Some women need clitoral stimulation while others need G-spot stimulation, anal, top, bottom, whatever, and the variety of toys out there that get the job accomplished would boggle your mind.
The same applies to lubricants. Some women need them, some don't. They are often recommended depending on the toy, but if a woman is generally more "self-lubricated" when she's turned on, it's not a necessity.
As far as porn or imagery goes, there is little doubt men are the ones driving the multi-billion dollar porn industry.
That's not to say that women don't enjoy or spend money on pornography, but most guys are far more visual when it comes to sexual desire. Ninety percent of the history I have with porn has been watching it with the guys I've dated. I don't find it to be a necessity when I'm on my own. And if porn isn't a turn on you can always use the power of your own imagination.
When you're getting down and dirty with yourself, you can think about whomever you want to and believe it or not most women don't fantasize about the pizza guy, the mailman or the gardener you find in porn movies. I'm sure Brad Pitt, Matthew McConaughey and yes, President Obama make their way into the dirty imaginations of plenty of women, but people we know aren't out of the question, either.
Long story short -- each woman is different in her needs, desires and preferences when it comes to orgasms and masturbation. Rumor has it you guys think about it every 10 seconds or something unbelievable like that. (And they say women are the multi-taskers of the species.)
Honestly, it's a wonder to me how you guys get anything done walking around like that. I certainly don't think about it every 10 seconds, not even every 10 minutes but again, I am just one woman; you may find plenty of women out there that do indeed spend much of their days thinking about sex and masturbation.
Happy hunting, TechGuy. Happy hunting.
No, the OnMilwaukee.com sex columnist's real name is not Sarah Foster. (Foster is the model/actress that played an ex-lover of Vincent Chase in the first season of "Entourage.") In reality, our sex columnist is a Wisconsin native with a degree in journalism and a knack for getting people to talk to her.
Sarah never considered herself an "above average" listener. Others, however, seem to think differently. Perhaps she has a sympathetic tone or expression that compels people to share their lives and secrets with her despite how little they know her. Everyone from the girl that does her hair to people in line at the grocery store routinely spill the details of their lives and relationships to Sarah, unprompted but typically not unwanted. It’s strange to her that people would do this, but she doesn’t mind. Sarah likes that she can give advice even if it is to complete strangers.
So why the pseudonym? Simple. People tell Sarah these things because for some reason they trust her. They believe she cares and therefore will keep their secrets in a locked vault the same way a best friend or therapist would. Sarah won't name names, but that vault is now unlocked.