By Matt Mueller Culture Editor Published Nov 06, 2020 at 6:46 AM

Make sure to play along with "The Bachelorette" with Kesslers and SportClub's Bachelorette Fantasy League!

I really wanted to write this week's recap as a defense of Clare Crawley – that it's not her job to fall in love with multiple guys, that the various anonymous stubbles on the show weren't putting forward much of an effort, that it's the show's job to create storylines not hers. But at the end of the day, I don't care to defend any of this season. Not the messy Clare half – and certainly not this "shocking" new Tayshia half, which wastes a very good "Bachelorette" candidate on sloppy seconds, a secondhand season that diminishes the starring role of the show and is more about serving the guys done wrong by Clare's emergency evacuation than serving Tayshia. 

That's the story of this whole episode: Harrison desperately trying to salvage this season and put a rose on a turd, and making it somehow stink worse in the process. 

There's one part that I liked about Thursday night's episode: For two hours, I got to forget about one hot mess of a selection process and get lost in one with significantly lower stakes. If I'm gonna watch people tear down a system or explode a legitimate result after not getting the ending they want, I want it to exclusively impact the residents of one sprawled-out La Quinta and also feature two puppies.  

Speaking of these La Quinta residents, the assorted Generic Handsome Stubbles are sitting around sulking after Clare discovered what a roast is and learned she did not like it. Kenny the boy band manager is particularly grumbly – and deservedly so, talking about she spent the entire group date distracted by defending Dale's honor, then revoking her group date rose for not learning enough about the guys on the date. But really, her rationale was that none of the guys on the group date were Dale. 

And in case you need evidence of this, the show cuts over to Clare sitting on the couch and scribbling in her diary – probably not sentences but just Dale's name over and over in fancy cursive and maybe drawing a bunch of hearts around his name in her diary. Eventually, Harrison pops in and brings up that things aren't going well – to the degree that he says we can't continue like this. This is the same guy who let a racist hijack a not-insignificant part of Rachel's season – but this tomtoolery? This has gone too far. 

Clare's in agreement, though, as she really likes Dale and thinks he's the one – and has thought that for a while. You see, before the show, she Facebook stalked him and creeped on his Instagram, beginningg to fall for him before the show even began. She never reached out to talk to him – at least that's what she tells Harrison, and he insists that she doesn't f*ck with him on the truth – but she snooped around enough to know that she wanted to sniff those trousers above all the other pants on the show. I wonder how much the bonus COVID delay played into this; normally the show would start pretty quickly after cast announcements, but since she had this long hiatus phase and a short pre-show quarantine where she knew the guys involved – and like all of us, couldn't leave the house much or do anything else – she had a lot of time to waste. And clearly she spent that time Insta-stalking Dale and falling in love with his thirst posts. Maybe things go differently if the show starts on schedule and everything runs like normal.

That's not this universe, though. In this timeline, she pre-fell for Dale and locked in on him during her four episodes because, as she insists, she knows what she wants. On one hand, I totally understand all of this. She's a more mature Bachelorette who probably has no interest in wasting time test-driving other people when she knows what she wants and already knows how she feels. An older, wiser person doesn't want to play the games – especially if she's already in love. That being said, THEN WHY DID YOU GO ON A SHOW ABOUT PLAYING RELATIONSHIP GAMES?! If you're a person who can fall in love with a guy after maybe two weeks – and that's a generous estimate – of knowing him beyond his Instagram account, then maybe "The Bachelorette" wasn't for you. 

Anyways, she and Harrison agree to call it a season because "I don't want to disrespect the guys or waste their time." LITTLE LATE FOR THAT NOW!

Oh yeah, there are the rest of the guys on the show too. Harrison finally ccomes in to inform them of where things are at. Sorry, I said "inform" when I meant to say "make things even more confusing and frustrating." He announces there's no cocktail party tonight. There's not even a rose ceremony tonighht. Oh, and Clare exclusively wants to see Dale right now. ANYWAYS, SEE THE REST OF YOU TOMORROW KTHXBAIIIIIII! Kenny the boy band manager blinks in disbelief; he hasn't been this stunned since the first time he heard O-Town. Meanwhile, Blake Moynes – who's gotta be happy the Dale and Clare drama has totally overshadowed that he broke the rules and reached out to Clare during the interim – says that he's not convinced Clare's already made up her mind. CUE THE SAD TRUMPET SOUND, CANADIAN BLAKE!

Yes, because despite what Blake sayd, Clare has very much made up her mind as she and Dale have a long one-on-one dinner date to make sure they're right for each other. And I mean LOOOONG. The show is clearly trying to pull some rehab on Clare and Dale's image and make this all feel like a happy result, so Thursday night gives them about an hour to flirt and have "charming" conversation that's supposed to make us believe they're truly in love and like them more. Instead I was just really, really bored – which is saying a lot because they talk about hitchhiking and how Clare feels like the place is "haunted but in a good way." (So ... like "Ghost"?) Clare's also scared because she doesn't know how Dale feels right now. YEAH, NO DUH; THAT'S HOW DATING AND LOVE WORKS!

Thankfully, she has nothing to worry about as Dale also says he's falling in love with her too, so the two go off to a signature surprise concert from ... Chris & Bri? Where do I recognize them from? Aww, that's cute; Harrison and company think anyone remembers "The Bachelor: All Jeds Edition" from 45 years ago earlier this year. Well, congrats to the winners of "The Bachelor: A Star Is Bored" for booking a gig. Still looking forward to that all-seniors edition of "The Bachelor" you were pitching earlier this year too, Harrison! Anyways, after the performance, Clare and Dale go to the bedroom to sniff more trou. 

The next morning, Dale and Clare wake up happy and snuggly while her dogs do NOT look like they got much sleep last night. Meanwhile, throughout this entire date, the show keeps cutting back to the other 20-some guys Clare's technically still dating as they lay about until morning and ask each other, "WhErE cOuLd ThEy Be?!" Fellas, take a hint. 

As for Clare, after she and Dale part ways, Harrison drops by to find out how I guess their low-key fantasy suite date went, and Clare's glowingly happy about it all. So Harrison pitches Clare the next logical step: a proposal. HOLD ON A SECOND HERE: A PROPOSAL!? Harrison, I know time is moving slowly these days, and I'm not entirely convinced it's either the year 2044 or still March ... but these people have dated for all of 20 minutes. And you're nudging them into an engagement?! OF MARRIAGE!? This is not the next step. The next step after meeting somebody and falling for them is dating – especially when you've met in an isolated bubble, know close to nothing about each other, have never lived with each other, and HAVE BARELY KNOWN THE PERSON FOR A FORTNIGHT. Engagement isn't the next step; it's leaping to the whole next staircase! Most Netflix binges are longer than the time these two have known each other.

But sure, Harrison, desperately drag this thing to a happy bedazzled ending if you must. Either that, or light this relationship on fire in the hopes of wringing some final drama out of this botched season. THE PROCESS WORKS, DAMMIT!

Anyways, somebody should probably tell Clare's other 16 boyfriends that they're breaking up. 

Yes, finally Clare gets around to letting the also-rans go, telling them that she's sorry but she fell in love with Dale, and they're calling it a show. Some of the Generic Stubbles seem a little gobsmacked, but mostly they all appear to have figured this was coming. Blake warns that she might get hurt because they barely know each other, and Kenny the boy band manager wants an apology for wasting their time on dates she was checked out for, but Clare WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR LOVE! The rest of the guys start "I am Spartacus"-ing their approval for her happily found love, and Clare says her goodbye, crying because they're all such good guys that she knew for approximately 40 Dale-distracted minutes. 

But now that the dead weight is cut, we can move onto the next step: calling Neil Lane. My god, we're ... we're actually doing this. We're forcing these two into a two-week proposal. Huh. After ordering a ring from Neil Lane via Postmates, Harrison goes to talk to Dale about how he's feeling. He's happy and content and excited to continue letting their relationship flourish and not stressed at all. WELL LET'S SEE WHAT HARRISON CAN DO ABOUT THAT as Harrison says that there are no more steps: Clare's waiting on a proposal. Again, THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER STEPS! Harrison's like Evel Knievel; either he's landing this risky jump or it's exploding in a fiery disaster. 

Dale looks tense, and the show is sure milking this for all it's worth ... but after a while, you realize the show's running out of crying Clare footage to show, so clearly this ends happily. (For now.) And while the show tries to tease the audience with Harrison walking up to a stressed Clare, awaiting a proposal but instead getting Harrison saying, "I have to tell you something," it's all just crafty editing. Instead, the proposal goes without a hitch as Dale busts out the ring (complete with a glamour shot because Neil Lane didn't spend all that product placement money for nothing) and the two celebrate their happy engagement. Good for them; have fun learning if you can tolerate living with each other beyond a month! At least we're not in a pandemic forcing people to stay inside and spend lots of time with one another with practically no escape, testing even the tightest bonds OOOOH NOOOO...

We'll find out more about them next week; as for the reemaining guys, they're left adrift until Harrison shows up with news. First of all, Dale and Clare are engaged, but that is of little interest to them anymore. The important news: The show's not done as a new Bachelorette is taking Clare's place. And in case you managed to avoid any spoilers because you're the first resident of Mars, it's Tayshia, a great choice who's fun, smart, gorgeous and filled with personality. She will make an enjoyable "Bachelorette."

But this sucks. This fully sucks.

This is no longer "The Bachelorette," a show about serving its star. It's a show about serving the guys who got left behind, while the title character is interchangable. Tayshia doesn't get the glamourous opening. She doesn't get the pomp and circumstance of her own season. She doesn't even hold the cards here as she's kind of auditioning for them, hoping they like her and are interested enouhg to stick around. She awkwardly gets a secondhand season with guys who were there for someone else, a replacement prom date because the first person you asked said no. It's like the "Bachelor" world version of the "La La Land"/"Moonlight" Best Picture flub: Sure, I'm happy a good movie won, but they didn't get their moment. They got the fumes of someone else's moment. That's Tayshia right now, getting to play in the shadow of another person's season.

And how about the optics of finally getting a "Bachelorette" of an older age and casting the show's second ever Black star ... but making them essentially share a season rather than getting their own. 

Even some the guys on the show are skeptical of re-wiring their brains to pursue a new woman. Some of them say, "Clare who? I never met this person you speak of" – which sure makes all of their "wow, Clare's so unique and special" talk from the first few episode feel even more empty now – but then there's poor Jason, who spent a whole one-on-one date with Clare breaking down his emotional walls only to find out that she was basically focused on another guy the entire time. But in the end, they all stay – even Jason. After all, it is a free vacation in one of the safest COVID-free bubbles in the entire country, so might as well! Plus, the show is serving them now. Why bail? 

I, on the other hand, am very tempted to bail. (*checks in on the state of the world*) You know what, never mind; I'll stay too. 

Matt Mueller Culture Editor

As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.

When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.