The only thing I love as much as music is television. With the new fall season upon us I look forward to the return of "The Shield" on FX, "Lost" on ABC, NBC's "Chuck" and new shows like "The Mentalist" and "Dexter."
But everything great on TV comes with complete garbage. I found this out while on vacation, when I started watching shows that earlier I've ignored or avoided.
Some of these TV crimes include "Around the Horn" on ESPN, "Wifeswap" on ABC and evidently coming this fall to WGN, "The Bob & Tom Show" (finally radio on television!?). Oh, and don't think I didn't notice your "Coach" marathon last weekend WGN -- who needs THAT much Craig T. Nelson? Even sarcastically, I can't say I do.
But instead of complaining, I quickly and at times drunkenly went into action to devise my own fall lineup:
"Law and Order: For Cats"
Probably on Animal Planet but possibly NBC. This show takes audio from any of the three different L&O franchises and sets them with cats dressed up as lawyers, convicts, judges, etc. When a feline version of deceased character actor Jerry Orbach as Detective Lennie Brisko shows up, there won't be a dry eye. I've come up with lyrics to the theme song, as well.
Pro: People love cats, people love "Law and Order" (see current TV Guide and syndication).
Con: Finding cat wranglers and getting tiny costumes.
"Milwaukee Police Department: Underwater Investigation Unit"
Finally a police show based right here in Milwaukee! The MPD: UIU is an branch of the PD that solves underwater crimes in Lake Michigan. I've already written about three episodes of this (one dealing with "Lake Pirates" and another dealing with drug-dealing scuba divers trying to ruin Summerfest! A lot of drama...and boating.
Pro: Cop shows always work.
Con: Underwater chase scenes are SLOW -- and costly!
"My Two Dads ... Are Gay!"
That's right! The late 1980s NBC sitcom starring Paul Riser and Greg Evigan is back, but in reality form. Two men raising a child, and dealing with all of the issues that entails. Since NBC threw it out the first time, they can have first crack at this, but it'll probably go to LOGO.
Pro: A TV show that appeals to gay people.
Con: Straight people who found "Will and Grace" non-threatening may be more judgmental in a reality setting.
"Get a Job!"
Teams of two (one go-getter and one slacker) compete to find gainful employment for America's laziest people. Details are not hammered out for this one.
Pro: Helping the economy
Con: Tough getting a slacker off the couch.
"Guess-nithity"
Contestants guess the ethnic background of three people (each contestant gets to ask one question) with the opportunity to win a trip to each country. I'm guessing the Travel Channel or Discovery would grab this.
Pro: People learn geography!
Con: You could end up in Libya!
"Dog Catcher"
Hosted by beloved game show host and friend to animals everywhere, Bob Barker. Teams of two untrained animal enthusiasts have 24 hours to catch as many stray animals as they can.
Pro: Helping the stray animal population.
Con: Rabies and lots of dog bites -- wait, that's why people are gonna watch, never mind.
"Si-fun (Siphon)"
Two teams race across the country ("Cannonball Run" style) in a car but with no money. Hence, they must siphon gas from wherever they can to make it from N.Y. to L.A. Congratulations Speed Channel!
Pro: See Cannonball Run I or II.
Con: Theft of gas and personal property is frowned upon by our society ... whatever.
"Chicken"
Game show where two teams of two play a game of chicken in a swimming pool (on each others shoulders), then on bicycles (whoever turns away first loses), then in cars. Probably a good Spike show.
Pro: People love crashes.
Con: None.
"Polar Bear or John Tesh's Hair?"
I came up with these next few while on vacation, so admittedly I was drinking at this point but please stay with me. Two people guess by a photo and then by reaching their hand behind a curtain which is the fur of an Alaskan polar bear, and which one is the hair of new age musician / former "Entertainment Tonight" co-host John Tesh.
Pro: You get to meet John Tesh, and he sings the theme song!
Con: You could lose a hand to a polar bear.
"What Would You Do For a Klondike Bar?"
In the 1980s the Klondike Ice Cream Bar people came up with this amazing slogan and TV commercials. Well, this half-hour show is simply a pathetic half-hour-long commercial turned into a show where one person goes around and asks people what stunt they would do for ice cream.
Pro: If this works, the endorsement money pays for the rest of my shows.
Con: Selling out to "the man."
"Hee Haw 2000"
Sidenote: I came up with this in 1998 and sent it to TNN (The Nashville Network) which is now Spike TV. I received no response.
I love the original "Hee-Haw," it's campy, silly and growing up if it was on, I knew it was 6 p.m. on a Saturday. In the late 1960s and 1970s country music was nowhere near as popular as it is now, but the show still KILLED!! My recipe was / is simple: Hee-Haw name + Jeff Foxworthy-like comedian host + NASCAR racers + Country musicians (both old and the new ones) + hot girls + the worst skits and sketches ever written = TV GENIUS!
Pro: See above equation ... and Roy Clark and his banjo is still alive! Kid Rock as possible replacement.
Con: Buck Owens is no longer alive.
"Celebrity Name Drop"
Two famous people with the same last name change jobs for a day. Simple concept, potentially hilarious results. For example: St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Adam Wainwright and singer-songwriter Rufas Wainwright. Actress Rosie Perez and Hartford, Conn. Mayor Eddie Perez. Tennis star Venus Williams and Country rocker Hank Williams III.
Pro: Seeing celebrities in wildly uncomfortable situations.
Con: A rough first couple of innings for the Cards and the potential destruction of Hartford, Conn.
