My youthful colleague Matt Mueller wrote a thoughtful column last week about the fact that he thinks there are too many college football bowl games.
To say I was surprised is a massive understatement. Matt comes from highly-honed athletic stock, being the son of WTMJ’s Gene Mueller who at one time ran the best sports talk show in the nation when he was headquartered at WSTP in Stevens Point.
Obviously the apple fell a long way from the tree in this case.
Far from thinking there are too many bowl games, I am of the firm belief that we need more bowl games – especially ones in Wisconsin. The possibilities are endless!
The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel Bowl
We don’t need a lot of seating capacity for this one. We could play it at Shorewood High School, which has a few bleachers on only one side of the field. Then, after every play, 10 people would have to voluntarily leave the game. I figure by the time the fourth quarter rolls around, there would be fewer than 100 fans in the stands. And they would all be older than me, and I’m almost 72.
The Chris Abele Bowl
Bowl officials would send a private chartered plane to pick up the teams. They would get rooms at The Pfister and Potawatomi Hotels, the two highest end spots in the county. Tickets to the game would be free. The winning team would get $1 million for the school’s scholarship fund. The losing team would get $1 million for the school’s scholarship fund. Normally each player on every team in a bowl game gets a few souvenirs to mark the occasion. The Abele Bowl would give each player a bag of Milorganite, a thermostat from Johnson Controls and each player would be able to take home their choice of any animal from the zoo.
The Tom Barrett Bowl
The teams would arrive at the field. They would suit up in the locker room. They would get a pep talk from their coach. They would warm up. But they wouldn’t play the game. They'd just sit on the bench.
The Whitefish Bay Jeweler would provide rings for the winning team. But only the white players would be able to get them at the field. The black players would have to go to the police station and provide three forms of identification to pick up their souvenirs.
The Silk Exotic Bowl
This game has some site problems, I know. But we could play one quarter in four different stadiums. One interesting sidelight will be that none of the players will actually want to go in the game. They want to stay on the sideline, near the cheerleaders.
The Shops at Grand Avenue Bowl
There will be no advertising or any effort to draw fans to the game. Consequently, there will be hardly anyone in the stands with the exception of Walgreens clerks on their smoke break. The game will be played indoors, on the first floor of the Boston Store, which will remain open. Souvenirs for the players will come from T. J. Maxx.
The Ald. Bob Donovan Bowl
Academic records of each athlete will be examined before the game to determine eligibility. Any player who has a B or above scholastic average will be banned. Any athlete who has a C+ or better on two consecutive report cards will also be banned. Souvenirs will include hair mousse that has the stiffest ingredients known to man.
The Sheriff David Clarke Bowl
The bowl game will not be football. It will be taser gun bowl, played on horseback. And instead of helmets, they will wear cowboy hats. And it will be covered live by Fox News. Megan Kelly will do play-by-play. The winning team will be determined by which team can yell the loudest the longest. The decibel meter will be run by Greta Van Susteren.
The Russ Feingold-Ron Johnson Bowl
One team will want to play flag football. That team will refuse to block or tackle. They will announce their offensive play to the defense each time they line up. The other team will sharpen their cleats to a point. They will put 20 men on the field and ignore the penalty flags. If a referee tries to restore peace, all linebackers will run over that referee. The first team will have a 27-page playbook. The second team will have one page.
The Bowl Bowl
Need we say more? It’s Milwaukee’s favorite recreation.
So, take that Matt Mueller!
With a history in Milwaukee stretching back decades, Dave tries to bring a unique perspective to his writing, whether it's sports, politics, theater or any other issue.
He's seen Milwaukee grow, suffer pangs of growth, strive for success and has been involved in many efforts to both shape and re-shape the city. He's a happy man, now that he's quit playing golf, and enjoys music, his children and grandchildren and the myriad of sports in this state. He loves great food and hates bullies and people who think they are smarter than everyone else.
This whole Internet thing continues to baffle him, but he's willing to play the game as long as OnMilwaukee.com keeps lending him a helping hand. He is constantly amazed that just a few dedicated people can provide so much news and information to a hungry public.
Despite some opinions to the contrary, Dave likes most stuff. But he is a skeptic who constantly wonders about the world around him. So many questions, so few answers.