It's time once again for the most extravagant day in sports. And at the center of all the excitement is ... ugh, oh god, not THESE TWO again!
Yes, if you're wondering why there seems to be a black hole sucking away all the enthusiasm at the center of this weekend's Super Bowl, it's because it's the Chiefs and Niners in the big game. Again. Huh, I wonder what happened the last time these two teams played each other in the Super Bowl at the start of an election year? Oh, that's right: It was 2020, and a month later, the world imploded, everything shutdown and we all went so crazy that we pretended "Tiger King" was good. Not foreboding at all!
Even putting that all aside, outside of Arthur Bryant's and Rice-A-Roni country, we're just exhausted of these two teams. Just when we thought we were done with tiresome dynasties, here come the Kansas City Chiefs showing up in the Super Bowl every year and feeling annoyingly inevitable – even in years like this when they don't seem that good. They're like the Patriots if they could handle something slightly spicier than mayonnaise. And then there's the Niners, who – and I say this as a totally unbiased, totally not-bitter Packers fan – should not be here. Brock Purdy is just Trent Dilfer 2.0, the phrase "Kyle Shanahan coaching tree" should be thrown into a woodchipper and the Lions deserve another 50 years of incompetence for letting the NFC Championship, and a more interesting Super Bowl matchup, slip away.
OK, there are some intriguing subplots and questions on Sunday night. Will Patrick Mahomes win again and step closer to reaching GOAT status? After three Super Bowl failures since 1994, will the Niners finally upgrade from bridesmaids to brides? Will Taylor Swift show up, and will the internet be hyperbolic about it? (Well, we know the answer to that one.) Will there be any ads that haven't already been revealed five days ago?
And the most important, pressing question: How are we all supposed to endure this sober?!
Thankfully, we don't have to. To help us endure all the Mahomes praise, all the attempts to make Brock Purdy seem like a good quarterback and all the commercials for terrible-looking CBS shows that are somehow on their fourth season, the fine folks at NFL Memes created yet another tremendous (and tremendously not-serious) Super Bowl drinking game.
Let's take a swig:
But why stop there!? There's gonna be a lot of Tony Romo howling and potential Jackson Mahomes appearances to endure, so let's add even more (fake) liquid therapy prescriptions to the night:
- Take a drink whenever you see an obviously expensive commercial starring famous TV actors sweatily trying (and failing) to recreate the charm of their old hit shows
- Take a shot every time a broadcaster mentions that Brock Purdy was Mr. Irrelevant – aka the last pick – in the NFL Draft. DID YOU KNOW?! IT'S NEVER BEEN BROUGHT UP BEFORE!
- Take a shot every time Jim Nantz sounds old and confused referencing Usher and Lil Jon
- Eat a chimichanga when the "Deadpool 3" trailer debuts on screen (and because you probably need a soaker pad from all the drinking)
- Take a drink every time Tony Romo gets very loudly excited about a potential fumble (that is very clearly not a fumble)
- Throw your drink any time somebody at your Super Bowl watch party tries bringing up Taylor Swift conspiracy theories or tries to blame any Kansas City struggles on her
- Pop a bottle of champagne every time a commercial makes fun of crypto, just a few years after the Super Bowl went all in on crypto
- Take a shot of Malort when you remember that Tom Brady is going to be in the Fox broadcast booth next year, because Tom Brady is inescapable
- Take a shot if the Chiefs win and the broadcast manages to cut to something other than Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce
- Chug another bottle of booze when realize football is ovOH WAIT! the
XFL 3.0USL debuts next month, so let's make that a bottle of The Rock's Teremana tequila
- Chug a bottle of booze if you're a Vikings or Bears fan, and you remember that the Packers found ANOTHER franchise quarterback without missing a step
And with that, cheers to a great game, cheers to an entertaining halftime show from Usher and cheers to some new teams and faces in the big game next year, please.
As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.
When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.