The debate rages on over abstinence-only education. But here’s what we really need to be teaching our kids: safe sex isn’t just about condoms. It’s also about the importance of not getting your freaknasty on with a hive of lethal hornets.
A 35-year-old Swedish man named Hasse, who we can only assume was a very, very lonely guy, met an untimely demise this week when he sustained mortal injuries after having sex with a hornets nest.
Shockingly, this heart-wrenching tale of forbidden love later proved to be untrue. Still, I think we’ve all learned an important lesson. Because if you do have sex with a hornet's nest, your face will probably look like this.
If the thought of that urban legend and those who perpetuate it makes you lose your faith in humanity, here’s a little something to restore it: an 8-year-old Girl Scout sold over 2,000 boxes of cookies to help her uncle get a computer.
After all, having a computer is essential in this day and age. Because most brick and mortar stores don’t sell jeans that feature a makeshift picnic table in the crotch.
This is great news for people who love to have wine and brie at Jazz in the Park, but bad news for all the girls who will now have to deal with the inevitable "there’s a picnic in my pants and you’re all invited" pick-up attempts.
And without a computer, how would you be able to take to Craigslist to find your dream man who can ride a lion AND a horse at the same time? Bonus: he doesn’t like murder.
Just remember: when you take the plane out to DC to meet this Craigslist Casanova, don’t sing Whitney Houston on the flight. You will wind up on YouTube, and we will all laugh at you.