The Super Bowl is finally here, much to the excitement of the New England and Philadelphia metro areas ... and the apathy of literally everywhere else around the country.
No matter who wins, the nation loses. And you'll try to convince yourself that you won't watch the game, that you'll do something else instead – hey, maybe this will be the day you finally start watching "The Wire"! – and not waste four hours of your life watching two squads battle for the title of the NFL's most insufferable team. Maybe you'll even post a snarky note on Facebook and Twitter about how you're not watching the game, that you scheduled your colonoscopy during the Super Bowl tonight because you wanted to partake in something less painful.
But don't lie to us – and don't lie to yourself. When the clock strikes 5:30 p.m. tonight, you'll be in front of the television, grumbling about having to watch yet another Super Bowl of Bill Belichick's joyless face accomplishing the greatest joy in sports and yet another one of those damn "Dilly, Dilly" Bud Light ads.
But thanks to the good people at the NFL Memes Facebook page, we've found a way to tolerate this evening's Super Bowl: a drinking game!
And for added fun, may we suggest adding these rules:
- Take a drink every time you have to sit through highlights from the Patriots' comeback against the Jacksonville Jaguars last week.
- Take a drink every time the broadcasters marvel at Tom Brady's one-of-a-kind ability to complete a dump-off pass to his running back or earn a pass interference flag on a desperation heave to a triple-covered receiver.
- Take a drink when Justin Timberlake's halftime show begins ... and then just keep drinking until it mercifully comes to an end. Especially if he plays anything off "Man of the Woods."
- Take a shot any time somebody almost, but doesn't quite, mention Deflategate.
- Take a drink every time a player gets concussed and you begin thinking, "Why do we watch this game?"
- Take a shot any time a vaguely political and very meaningfully artsy ad plays on TV, probably for Pringles.
- Finish your drink at halftime when the Eagles are only down 17-9 and you start thinking maybe there's still hope that the Patriots might lose, but then you remember that these are the New England Patriots, and joy and hope don't exist.
- Drink an entire bottle of Jack Daniels anytime you think about what might've been this season if Aaron Rodgers hadn't broken his collarbone.
The Super Bowl LII drinking game: end your Sunday night puking from all the alcohol, not from the sight of Tom Brady holding up the Lombardi Trophy again!
As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.
When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.