You feel that? That's the feeling of a brand new Green Bay Packers football season less than a week away – which means there's a new excitement in the air, new memorable highlights to be made, new players to make their mark and new optimism. Oh, and of course a new installment of everyone's favorite part of the NFL preseason: Why Your Team Sucks, here to pancake our Packers positivity into the turf like the 49ers do in the playoffs seemingly every other year.
Yes, every year Defector writer and poet of profanity Drew Magary introduces the fresh NFL season by explaining – in painfully accurate and impressively detailed fashion – why each team sucks. And today was the Green Bay Packers' long-awaited turn in the barrel.
But how could Magary POSSIBLY mock the Packers, after yet another uneventful season!? It's not like we lost to a hapless Jimmy G in the playoffs ... again. Or like our star wide receiver fled the state for Las Vegas so we replaced him with pocket lint and guys who sound more like a USFL practice squad. Or like our special teams this year could be a literal slice of Swiss cheese blasted with buckshot – and that'd still be an improvement over last season's unit. Or like our quarterback holds us hostage every offseason in between midlife crisis tattoos and unspeakable cleanses he found in the scariest corners of YouTube, all while we try to convince ourselves Jordan Love isn't the second coming of Brett Hundley. Nope, none of that happened at all, said Matt, doing his best impression of Leonardo DiCaprio at the end of "Shutter Island."
Indeed, Magary comes in hot per usual, happily replaying our most recent playoff bungling and calling us "walking udders." (And that's one of his nicer insults.) Most of his bile, though, is reserved for Rodgers, who gets called "Tony Romo without the personality" and "the 1990s Atlanta Braves of football." And then there's this:
"You know how many touchdowns Rodgers threw in that loss to the Niners? Zero. Know who his leading receiver was that night? A running back. Know what his QBR was for that game? It was 18.7, and he lost to QB whose own QBR was somehow even lower. In fact, that wasn’t the only time that an underwhelming Jimmy Garropolo bested Every Football Hipster’s GOAT. Garropolo did it in the NFC title game two years before that, too, despite posting just 77 yards passing. And Tom Brady? He threw three picks against Aaron Rodgers in the 2020 NFC title game and STILL beat him. Wanna know why LaFleur opted to kick a rinky-dink field goal at the end of that game? Because he knew that Aaron Rodgers – darling, darling Aaron Rodgers – couldn’t win a big game even if Joe Rogan was hosting the trophy presentation."
Welp, I'm sad to report that I can't find the lie.
The whole piece, as always, is a hilarious and humbling read – so make sure to give it a look and have a self-depreciating laugh over at Defector. And after that, be sure to read the entire rest of the Why Your Team Sucks series for 2022, because as always, they're all equally savage and equally delightful – including the Vikings entry, which might be the most vitriolic of all since that's Magary's team of choice. That would explain the anger.
And hopefully he's even angrier after week one when the Packers prove that they actually don't suck and punt the Vikings in Sunday's season opener. And then punt the other 16 teams on the schedule. And punt all the teams in the playoffs, all the way to – finally – a Super Bowl return. I mean, the Cincinnati Bengals were just in the Super Bowl – stranger things have happened!
As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.
When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.