Last night, "Dancing with the Stars" hit the stage for its 24th season (how?) and 400th episode (HOW?!), with the usual collection of sports stars and C-listers – and also Nick Viall – dressed in their bedazzled best.

After one dance, is another gymnast coming away with the glorious disco ball trophy? Or will it be another sports star? Or maybe even Chris Kattan? (Ha ha ha, it won't be Chris Kattan.) 

The judges had their say, but here are our rankings – from worst to first – after Monday night's premiere. 

12. Chris Kattan

_{(PHOTO: Official DWTS Twitter)}

Dance: Cha cha

Judges' score: 17 out of 40

Our score: To be kind to the former "SNL" star, it must've been rough coming out so early on in the show – and having to come on the heels of Normani and Nancy's startlingly solid starts. To be less kind to the former "SNL" star, his cha cha was the "Corky Romano" of cha chas. And there wasn't even that much cha cha to mess up; most of the routine was "Night at the Roxbury" schtick. The judges, however, were very polite; hopefully the fans will be, too, and eliminate him before he does a whole samba as Mr. Peepers. 

11. Erika Jayne

_{(PHOTO: Official DWTS Twitter)}

Dance: Salsa

Judges' score: 24 out of 40

Our score: Recent political elections would say that being flagrantly wealthy isn't much of a popular vote deterrent, but the "Real Housewives" star sure didn't win over this viewer by raining money on the crowd and talking about handing out Lambos like after-dinner mints. Her dance did her more favors – there was even a unicorn! – but it also wasn't hugely memorable. Not enough to get her axed first but probably not enough to save her for long. 

10. Charo

_{(PHOTO: Official DWTS Twitter)}

Dance: Salsa

Judges' score: 21 out of 40

Our score: I wish I loved anything as much as Charo seems to love everything. No, the salsa wasn't particularly good, but hot damn did the pop culture icon seem delighted doing it. And delighted getting critiques from the judges. And delighted just being alive and on screen and saying "cuchi cuchi" for our entertainment. I'm already preparing to be sad when she leaves – but that'll be in a week or two. NOT TODAY, AMERICA!

9. Bonner Bolton

Dance: Cha cha

Judges' score: 22 out of 40

Our score: It's probably a bad thing when this was the most memorable part of Bonner Bolton's night:

Oops. When you forget you're​ on live TV. @bonner_bolton @SharnaBurgess #dwts #DancingWiththeStars #teamdenimNdiamonds pic.twitter.com/8FlNpXvx9j — Bre (@bre32aik) March 21, 2017

The professional bull rider's dance was fine – predictably stiff and awkward in places, though not stumbling – but it wasn't personality-rich enough to make him an audience winner or technically sound enough to make him an actual winner. Also: Bonner Bolton or Bolton Bonner? Never trust a man with two first names; but a man with no first names? EQUALLY UNTRUSTWORTHY! I will probably never get it right, but considering I expect him to have a short lifespan on "Dancing with the Stars," I don't think it'd be worth the effort anyways. 

8. Mr. T

_{(PHOTO: Official DWTS Twitter)}

Dance: Cha cha

Judges' score: 20 out of 40

Our score: No, it wasn't good, but Mr. T's cha cha/Tae Bo exercise was fun and charming as hell. He should definitely survive at least this week – though they've already wasted their "A-Team" routine in week one. I doubt he'll be able to amusingly air-box his way through a graceful waltz or bouncy quickstep. 

7. Nick Viall 

_{(PHOTO: Official DWTS Twitter)}

Dance: Cha cha

Judges' score: 24 out of 40

Our score: Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd find myself defending a Nick Viall television appearance ... but here we are: I actually thought the recently engaged "Bachelor" star – with Vanessa in the crowd (for now) – did pretty good last night! Or at least better than the judges made it sound. Their criticisms weren't wrong, but considering the fawning Charo and Mr. T's technically terrible routines received, Viall's critiques sounded like some of the most brutal of the night (next to Kattan, obviously). And then they gave him a serviceable score! Even when he does good, Nick Viall-related TV confuses and annoys me!

Anyway, Nick should stay for a few weeks, but his lack of a nice reason to be there – other than grabbing some more of that sweet, sweet reality TV fame – hurts the fan vote. 

6. Nancy Kerrigan

_{(PHOTO: Official DWTS Twitter)}

Dance: Viennese waltz

Judges' score: 28 out of 40

Our score: No "WHHYYYY!?" necessary after the champion ice skater's performance last night. (Too soon?) Kerrigan's steps looked a little clompy on her Viennese waltz, but there were several moments of lovely grace and smooth arms that reminded you that her job was basically being a professional ice dancer. She could stay for a while – as long as her partner doesn't catch hypothermia from all the shirtless ice rink practices. PUT A SHIRT ON!

5. Normani Kordei

_{(PHOTO: Official DWTS Twitter)}

Dance: Quickstep

Judges' score: 27 out of 40

Our score: As the first one out of the gate – and a contestant with dancing in her background – the Fifth Harmony member had a lot of pressure on her quickstep, but it was a surprisingly strong start to the night. She could make a strong run on "Dancing with the Stars" – especially if the Fifth Harmony fanatics manage to pull themselves from their tear-stained Camilla Cabello shrines and vote. 

4. Heather Morris 

_{(PHOTO: Official DWTS Twitter)}

Dance: Viennese waltz

Judges' score: 28 out 40

Our score: Who would've guessed the former professional dancer would crush it on "Dancing with the Stars"? The former "Glee" star and Beyonce backup dancer tried the whole false modesty, "Oh, I haven't done this old thing in a while," but *eyeroll* suuuuuure. Unless you got your memory wiped, "Eternal Sunshine"-style, no one's feeling pity.

We are feeling impressed, though, because her Viennese waltz was mighty pretty. The judges were lukewarm on it, with Carrie Ann saying Morris hid her personality, but that feels like a "first night out, can't make the winner too obvious" critique. If she doesn't make the finale, I'd be amazed – but maybe people think she's above being on this amateur hour. 

3. David Ross

_{(PHOTO: Official DWTS Twitter)}

Dance: Quickstep

Judges' score: 28 out of 40

Our score: How dare ABC force me to watch Nick Viall yet again on my television AND listen to "Go Cubs Go." This network should be tried for war crimes. Other than the soul-punching music choice, however, Old Man Ross – the charming veteran catcher for the World Series-winning Cubs – impressed in his first "Dancing with the Stars" at-bat. It's no shock anymore that football players succeed on this show (see below), but baseball players are a much less-proven hit – with a sport that doesn't require as much fancy footwork. So Ross' strong quickstep, full of personality and quick enough for the first night of the season, was a fun surprise.

Also a fun surprise: Jake Arrieta saying "balls" during a post-dance congratulatory Skype call with Anthony Rizzo and making the network get all squeamish. ABC, you do remember the show in this exact time slot last week spent 30 minutes across two episodes on orgasms, right?

2. Rashad Jennings

_{(PHOTO: Official DWTS Twitter)}

Dance: Cha cha

Judges' score: 31 out of 40

Our score: After Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith, Donald Driver and Hines Ward, you'd think it wouldn't blow people's minds to discover that football players are pretty dance-capable. But Monday night, Jennings surprised the crowd by delivering a technically solid cha cha, all while beaming a bright, winning smile. I think he still has to prove he has the big, fun personality that helped Driver and others cross the goal line – I'd say Jennings is nowhere near as famous either; even playing in New York, he's a name mostly known by fantasy footballers – but if can do that and keep up the dances, he could steamroll to the finale. 

1. Simone Biles

_{(PHOTO: Official DWTS Twitter)}

Dance: Tango

Judges' score: 32 out of 40

Our score: America's sweetheart from the Olympics is now a "Dancing with the Stars" sweetheart – and deservedly so. On a night where most celebs wasted their gimmick dance, Biles' tango was focused on the footwork, instead of backflips and a five-minute uneven bars routine. That footwork was impressively sure, and with all the understandably stiff and stilted performances, Biles' dance featured several moments of legitimate grace and smooth beauty. 

As one of the show's biggest and most beloved names, Biles was already a frontrunner. Coming out of the gates so strong last night has cemented her there, which means just one thing: inevitable dance-off between Biles and last season's winner/Olympic teammate Laurie Hernandez. MAKE IT HAPPEN, ABC!